New Blog for Bachelor/Bachelorette Purposes

For everyone who follows my Bachelor Blog, I have a new website for this season and every upcoming season.  The first post is up:

http://thefantasysuite.wordpress.com/2013/05/19/the-bachelorette-2013-preview-part-i/

Learn all you need to about this year's crop of men there.  Should be a fun season.

The Bachelor - Catherine or Lindsay?

Now that the mystery of the monkey picture has been solved, I think it's time we dropped that cover photo for one that is more applicable to this week's blog and upcoming episode.  Yes everyone, Sean is ABSolutely ready to choose a temporary fiance!

In this week's blog I sit down with Sean and try to explain to him, and you, who he should choose in Monday night's way-too-long three hour finale.  

Introductions

Why don't we pick up right from the beginning?  Catherine's introduction was normal, but I don't remember it at all.  Lindsay's introduction, however, was very memorable, but memorable in a bad way.  I lean towards the classy introduction vs. the crazy one.  

Catherine 1, Lindsay 0

Ability to hold down their liquor

It would appear it doesn't take much to get Lindsay drunk.  This was the first of Lindsay's drunken escapades, but let's not forget that time she told Sean they weren't allowed to kiss, only then to subject us to five minutes of them playing a silly game of back-and-forth.  This is the wrong show to be on for the easily-drunk.

Catherine 2, Lindsay 0

Bachelor Profiles

This category is based on their profile picture (above) and all the other information that is listed in their online bio (occupation, age, etc.).  

I'd call the profile pictures a draw but for one thing: the color of their shirts.  Green means this.  Red means this.  

Catherine's occupation is a graphic designer.  Google tells me the average salary of a graphic designer is about $48,000.  Not too bad.  Lindsay's occupation is a substitute teacher.  Basically, she's unemployed.  

Catherine is 26 and Lindsay is 24.  

Catherine 3, Lindsay 0

Kissing skills

You might be asking how I could possibly compare Catherine' and Lindsay's kissing skills when I've only ever kissed one of them.  Well, the answer lies in their ability to control the beast.  You'll notice Sean's tongue is running amok in the picture to the right.  To the left we find that Catherine has tamed the slimy monstrosity that is Sean's tongue.  

Catherine 4, Lindsay 0

But, you say, what about this?  What about this lack of control as Catherine lets Sean lick her face like a dog? You're right, I do need to take that into consideration.  I award Catherine one sympathy point for having to endure this heinous crime against humanity.  

Catherine 5, Lindsay 0

How they look after a long day at the beach

Catherine 6, Lindsay -1

How they look normally

Catherine 7, Lindsay -1

More traumatic story

Umm, Catherine's friend got killed by a tree.  The tree fell down and landed on her friend.  Then she died. Enough said.

Catherine 8, Lindsay -1

Athletic Ability

Catherine can do a back flip, and a really good one at that.  Let's look at Lindsay's athletic ability.  

Well, at least I think it's Lindsay.  Yeah, for purposes of this comparison that's definitely Lindsay.

Catherine 9, Lindsay -1

Vocabulary

Catherine does use words like "beefy" and "hunky", but in my book that's okay.  Especially when she bites her lower lip like that.  Don't know why, but I love that.  If you're not a fan of those 8th grade words, remember that she did use the word "visceral" a couple episodes back.  That's pretty impressive for someone on a show that doesn't necessarily attract Rhodes Scholars.  

Lindsay, on the other hand, has two words in her vocabulary: "Amazing", and "Like".  "This is, like, so, like, amazing."  No, what's amazing is our score so far. 

Catherine - 10, Lindsay -1

Love for others

You remember when Lesley went home?  Who felt her pain?  Who wished for her happiness more than her own?  That's right, Catherine.  Did Lindsay show any concern for her fallen comrade?  Not at all.

Catherine 11, Lindsay -1

Tattoos

Lindsay has a tattoo on the top of her foot.  Who gets foot tattoos?

Catherine 12, Lindsay -1

Family

If we were simply comparing Lindsay's family with Lola (she's going to get him!), then we have a tough decision to make.  However, we have to take into account Catherine's skank of a sister.  Speaking of siblings, let's not forget Lindsay's little brother, my favorite person on this show so far.  Okay, I concede.  Family goes to Lindsay.  

Catherine 12, Lindsay 0

Who's on my fantasy team

Once the captain of the One-Arm Bandits went down (Sarah), Catherine put my team on her back and carried us to the promised land (by promised land I mean second place - curse you Derek Welling!).  

Catherine 13, Lindsay 0

Catherine is the winner of our completely unbiased comparison of Sean's final two.  In reality, the only thing that Lindsay has going for her is her family, so this should be an easy decision for Sean.  But we all know that the Bachelor rarely does the right thing or chooses the right girl, so we're in store for yet another decision that is the "toughest of his life."  But at least you'll know who you should cheer for.  

Episode 9 - The Fantasy Suites

I'll bet you didn't even notice anything different, did you?  I didn't think so.  What you should have noticed is that the picture above is not the same photo-bombing monkey picture I've been using all season long.  The episode with the monkeys finally aired, and it was a big disappointment.  It was a disappointment because it was Lindsay who has been the one in the picture all this time.

I realize this post is many days overdue and it's very likely that the memory of the fantasy suite episode has left your mind completely.  Since that's the case, allow this post to jog your memory before my personal favorite episode of the season, the Women Tell All.

Yes, this week we introduced the fantasy suites and the invitation to forgo your individual rooms, which invitation is accepted whether you're a born-again virgin or not.  There's nothing I like more than hearing our love-deprived contestants skirt around what really happens in the fantasy suites, using vague phrases like this:

"This week the dates have the possibility of becoming overnight dates, and I'll have the opportunity to spend more time with each woman in the fantasy suite."

The idea they plant in our heads is that the fantasy suite is used to "spend more time" one with another. If that's the case, then why is it called a fantasy suite?  I mean, I love "spending time" with a woman as much as the next guy, but I don't have fantasies about chatting life away on a couch.  Your next question might be, 'Well Craig, if that's not your fantasy then what is?'  Fortunately for all of you, this post has nothing to do with my fantasies, so I choose not to answer that question.

In this, the season of the born-again virgin, I submit that the name "fantasy suites" should be replaced by something else, like the "make-out motel rooms", since that's all that goes on there, right?  Either way, whatever happens in the fantasy suite stays in the fantasy suite.  Well, not all the time.  Anyway, let us begin our review of Monday's episode of Sean's journey to find amazing love with an incredible woman.

I don't think we've ever seen so many shots of Sean looking like a bro.  Lose the shades, lose the tank. Not your look, bro.  

Sean described his relationship with Lindsay as a "spark that has grown into a massive flame", which leads me to believe that what we see in this picture was the spark, and what happened in the fantasy suite was the flame.  

Don't you have anything else to say, Lindsay?  The most awkward moment of last episode was waiting for Lindsay to say "I love you."  It got so bad that Sean actually had to ask Lindsay, "What're you thinking?"  Just say it woman!  Don't you realize that it's nothing more than a milestone to hit, a box to check off?  You don't need to mean it on the Bachelor, you just need to make sure you say it.  

The Bachelor over-emphasizing the importance of the "I love you" phrase is yet another example of how different this show is from reality.  If a girl was telling me she loved me after a month I'd call her crazy and I'd be gone.  But when I go on the Bachelor, I'll be telling the Bachelorette I love her sooner than you can say fantasy suite.  It's the name of the game.  It's apparently so important that Sean kicked Lesley off just because she didn't say it, claiming it would have been, in his words, a "game-changer."  

Even though Lindsay hadn't said "I love you" at this point, Sean wasn't about to lose out on the opportunity to spend more time and talk with her all night long.  I've beat this horse to death, but I don't know that hanging out alone in a fantasy suite with no cameras and a willing woman is the smartest thing for a born-again virgin to do.  

Especially when there's booze involved.

And especially when you unleash the beast.

The end result is Lindsay leading you who-knows-where.  It's like locking a recovering alcoholic in a storage room full of beer and telling him he has to stay there all night.  First he'll ignore beer, then he'll start talking to beer, then he'll start biting the beer caps, then he'll start tasting the beer and spitting it out.  Then he'll be dead drunk.  

This was the moment that AshLee's fortunes took a turn for the worse.  Up until the blindfold charade, AshLee was actually one of my favorites.  As a friend pointed out to me, since the blindfold she's been batshizcrazy. Ever since then all she can talk about is how in love she is with Sean, how vulnerable she's become, how much control she's letting go, blah blah blah.  I'm tired of it.  

You know how AshLee loves to take lame experiences and turn them into analogies about her life?  AshLee, this dark, cold cave you entered is much like the black pit of despair you currently find yourself.  

This reminds me of the "I don't like Spam!" video.  That's the voice I imagine her using.  

Speaking of how much I dislike AshLee, her journey from sweet woman to crazy person also includes a dramatic change in her wardrobe.  Has anyone else noticed how she's become, er, very revealing in her outfits?  Look at the rose ceremony dress she wore (shown below) and you'll understand.  You might also vomit.  

As AshLee is reading the fantasy suite card, we can see that Sean has already undone basically every button on his shirt and is now visualizing what the night might look like.  What he sees, of course, is him and AshLee, sitting around and talking.  

And feeding each other.

And making out.  

What he didn't envision was AshLee describing what she wanted her engagement ring to look like and telling him how big her ring finger was.  This probably freaked out Sean as much as when Sarah showed him all those baby pictures of her and invited him to meet her family.  Run away, Sean!

I am now the biggest Catherine supporter out there.  In reality, I don't think any of the women are good enough for Sean (no one's good enough for my Sean-wan), but I do think Catherine is the best of the worst.  I loved the sneaking-up-on-Sean, even if it was totally staged (you can tell when you re-watch it).

However, one thing I don't like about Catherine is her propensity to gaze off into nothingness when she talks to someone.  Has anyone else noticed this?  There's no eye contact, especially if it's an awkward subject like trees that kill humans.

I know what you're probably thinking: "Craig, why would you show the same picture four times?"  No, those are not the same picture.  Sean unleashed the beast four times in quick succession and Catherine is no more.  I really feel bad for her, but at the same time I don't, because she seemed to enjoy it.

"Kissing Sean in the rain is probably the most romantic thing I've ever done."

My definition of romantic does not involved getting my face licked over and over again.  Plus, I wouldn't let just anyone do that.  That right is reserved for one and one alone.

This guy.  

Catherine, like the other ladies, received and happily accepted her fantasy suite invitation.  When explaining the reason she accepted the fantasy suite invitation, she told Sean the following:

"It has nothing to do with THAT, it has something to do with spending time with you."

It also has something to do with making out.

And also making out in the water while wearing very little.

And also pulling each other's hair.

But NOT that.  That's only there so they can be comfortable while talking.  Get your mind out of the gutter.  

In the end Sean was left with these three, constituting the worst final three I can remember.  

Like any good Bachelor, Sean spent the requisite time in front of their pictures, but he also got a special treat - video messages!

Sean's face during Lindsay's video.  He seems very happy.  

Sean's face during Catherine's video.  Look at those pearly whites.  I think he's smiling because Catherine used the words "mega-hunk" and "wiggles."  

Sean's face during AshLee's video.  That look has "guilt" written all over it.  Sean is doing to AshLee what Emily did to him, and he knows it.  

AshLee was much less gracious than Sean was.  She was downright pissed.  Every wall that had come tumbling down, as Beyonce would say, was put right back up when Catherine's name was said in place of hers.  

Those were the only words AshLee said to Sean.  I cannot wait to hear what she has to say tomorrow.

Sean's explanation?  The same as all the others, but I did like when he said that there was a lot of "intensity" with their relationship, aka no fun.  At this moment I was literally on the edge of my seat waiting for AshLee to slap him.  We were really, really close to our first case of physical abuse on the Bachelor. 

Boy, is Sean glad that's over.  You could tell he was stressing out about sending AshLee home.  But he survived without being stabbed, or slapped.  So score one for Sean!

This was one of the strangest shots in last Monday's episode.  After sending AshLee home, Sean was told by the producers to go mourn his loss, which he obediently did.  You can see him sitting with his head down. What's bizarre is that he's doing it right in front of the other two women!  You can't tell me that's not staged.  No one in their right mind would let his other two girlfriends see him mourn when he lets his third girlfriend go. Well, no one would in their right mind would have three girlfriends to begin with. 

And I'll leave you with this.  For all of you potential Bachelor/Bachelorettes out there who, like me, will one day try out for this show, heed this advice: don't let them in.  You keep him or her at bay.  Say all the right things (I love you), do all the right things (put out to stay put), tell all the right stories (my best friend was killed by a willow tree), but you keep them out of the fleshy tablets of your heart.  Don't be another victim.