The Bachelor Episode 6 - O Canada!

Does anyone know what "The Bachelor Nation Party Van" is?  Apparently if you live in the Los Angeles area and you host Bachelor watching parties, you can submit your information to ABC and potentially have Sean and Chris over when you watch.  How did I hear about this?  See below.

Yep, that is Sean and Chris at my coworker's fiance's house.  I almost invited myself, but then I thought about the many times I make fun of Sean and question his judgment while I watch.  Would I be able to do that in his presence?  I'd like to think so.  I'm dying to know what those papers are in everyone's hand.  Maybe Chris has them play some kind of game as they watch.

This is the shirt they made for him, which I thought it was pretty funny.  It reminded me of the Bachelor's ABSolutely campaign, which focuses on Sean's abs and is featured on the official Bachelor tumblr.

Do yourself a favor and check out the tumblr.  There's a lot of gems on there.  In other news, I've missed Sean's dirty blue shorts.

Of course, at the end of the night Sean had to hand out a rose.  Did the girl accept it?  ABSolutely!

Alright, time to get a move on and talk about the second episode we had this week.  You can't start the Bachelor without a shot of Sean being contemplative.  This time, he chose to think atop a pile of rocks. Welcome to Canada, the second crappy destination in the ladies' "worldwide journey to find love with Sean." So far it hasn't been so "worldwide", has it?

We started with Catherine finally getting a one-on-one date.  I feel like the quality of the dates (as far as the activities are concerned) are matching the quality of the location Sean and the women find themselves. Canada isn't the most exotic location you can go to, and consequently this date wasn't the most exciting.

This is what the date consisted of.  Sean pulling Catherine along the frozen terrain in a sled.  Not exactly the kind of date I'd be hoping for if I had just signed up to be on the Bachelor.  Nevertheless, Sean enjoyed himself immensely.  

"Catherine and I are sledding, we're doing flips, we're doing summersaults, we're walking on our hands, we're making snow angels - this is what I want in a wife."

Yes, Sean.  That's exactly when I want in a wife too, which is why I always make sure to take them to some type of winter playground so I can make sure they have those all-important qualities.  Add that to the list of must-sees before you get married, along with a) seeing your future wife in a swimsuit, b) seeing her without makeup, and c) seeing her mother.  Wait a minute!  All of that happens on the Bachelor!  Maybe this show really can produce a relationship that works ...

The abominable Sean.  

Later, we hear the first of two bizarre stories from the one-on-one dates.  In this story, Catherine's best friend was crushed by a falling tree.  It was a thrilling story, notwithstanding the fact that it looks like it's putting Sean to sleep.  

The story worked in the end and Catherine put out, thus securing a rose.  Okay, I believe now is a good time to talk about the elephant in the room: Sean's kissing.  I purposely chose the picture above because it wasn't that grotesque, and I didn't want to give this part of the blog away.  Know that two seconds later Sean's tongue came out in full force.  It's been a huge problem this season and it's time we gave it a serious analysis.  

This picture was taken last year when Sean was on the Bachelorette.  As you can see, it's been an issue for a long time.  

The producers knew that, so they brought in Arie, last year's man-whore.  His advice, as shown above, was to use as little tongue as possible in order to avoid anything sloppy.  Let's see if Sean took this advice.  

I think we've gathered substantial evidence that Arie's advice has been totally disregarded, and Sean's tongue is running amok.  Personally, I've been loving it.  Each and every time he goes in for a kiss I'm on the edge of my seat, waiting for his glistening tongue to slide it's way into another woman's mouth.  It's disgustingly entertaining.  

It's time to move on, and never visit that slimy spectacle again ... until next week.  Sean's group date was as lame as the first one.  He and the ladies jumped in really cold water.  That was it.  Surprisingly, the girls were talking about it as if it had changed their lives, exclaiming that it was "amazing", "incredible", and "one of the best things" they'd ever done.  

This is something that should never happen.  The double high five should not be part of anyone's arsenal.  

And off they go.  It's about time we got to see Sean without a shirt!  We had to suffer through nearly three hours of fully-clothed Bachelor before we were treated to this spectacle.   

And they're back.  Nothing special about this picture, but anytime I can get a shot of Tierra looking Tierrable, I'm going to do it.  

If Lesley doesn't win, at least she'll have a future as a stripper.  

Selma decided to tap out for this activity.  I mean, wasn't rock climbing enough!?  Come on, people.  Selma really deserved to be on the Julia Roberts prostitute date that Leslie went on.  That would be more up her high-maintenance alley.  I believe sitting this one out ended up costing Selma dearly.  That and the fact that she didn't put out.  

Sorry, people.  That is not putting out.  Don't argue with me.  On another note, maybe Sean's tongue problem can be solved.  Before you kiss make sure you tell him, as Selma did, to hold still.    

Look how excluded Selma is.  That's what she gets for not participating.  Everyone else is right there around Sean, even Tierr - wait a minute, where is Tierra?

There she is!  I don't think anyone was surprised by this.  The moment the lifeguards warned the contestants about the possibility of hypothermia, Tierra knew what she was going to do.  Her acting is starting to get ridiculous, yet Sean the producers are insistent that she stick around.

But hey, as annoying as she is, we'll always have this shot.  I'll echo Selma's statement from later in the show: Come on Sean, you're really going to wife that?  While watching the episodes this week, the following doppelgangers came up for Tierra:

• Gollum
• A Dwarf
• A Hobbit
• A Klingon (of course)

Beyond doppelgangers, there are also plenty of ways to make a play on Tierra's name.  Lesley treated us to the second one of the season (the first being Tierrable) when she called Tierra a "Tierrorist."  I'm still waiting for these to surface: a) Jack Russell Tierrier, b) "she's a Tierror", and my personal favorite c) Tierrasauras Rex.   

Nothing hits the spot after hypothermia like a good burger.  

It was, of course, all part of Tierra's plan.  Even Sean is catching on, mentioning to her that she seems to always find time to get one-on-one time with him.  As long as Sean keeps falling on it, she'll keep putting on a show, even if she does have to look like a complete idiot.

Tierra's victory shot.  After every traumatic event that results in Sean giving her attention and showing her affection, she gets this smile once he leaves.  Winning!

And of course she returned for the after-party.  My first thought when she walked in the door: Man, this party really died.

This was a really sad moment.  Poor Sarah was sent home after a stay that was just right.  Any longer and we would start to wonder what the crap Sean was doing.  Any shorter and we'd be calling Sean out for sending her home just because she had one arm.  Well played Sean producers.  

That being said, I did feel for her when she explained how every guy she was ever with gave her the same breakup speech.  What's that Sarah?  You live in LA, only one hour away?  You want to hang out?  Listen, you're an amazing girl, and I know how special you are.  You're sweet and sincere, and I really want to connect with you, but I just don't.  I want it to work, I do.  Someone is going to be really lucky to have you, and I don't want to put you through anything when I know it isn't going to work.  I'm sorry.    

Loved Tierra's rolling of the eyes when Sean came to pick up Des.  

"We're going on a picnic!?"  Another over-the-top reaction to something undeserving.  Due to the length of this blog post, I'm going to skip talking about all the analogies these guys pulled from their repelling excursion. Just know that there were a lot, and they were all awesome.  

This may have been a Bachelor first.  When was the last time we actually watched anyone actually eating on their date?  I can't remember seeing anyone chew their food.  All they do is drink their wine and poke at their food with forks.  We see more tongue enter people's mouths than food.  

Did anyone ask themselves what was up with Sean's sweater?  Who dresses this guy?  Does he have any say in what he wears?  His fashion consultants are probably all laughing behind his back, then saying to his face, "No, Sean, trust us.  It looks great man.  Go get 'em."  

The second bizarre story of the night came when Des told Sean that she spent at least four months of her life living in a tent.  In a tent?  Really?  I can believe the trailer park, small apartments, and whatever other humble accommodations she brought up, but I have a hard time believing she spent that long living in a tent. Maybe she loves camping and the four months were over the course of her whole life.  I mean, if I added up all the nights I've spent camping, I could probably reach a month or two.  

I'm surprised she didn't say anything about living in a van down by the river.  

A teepee isn't quite the same as a tent, but I'm sure Des felt right at home.  

Lindsay was drunk again, just like the first night.  That night drunk-Lindsay was begging Sean for a kiss.  In Tuesday's episode, drunk-Lindsay was refusing to give Sean a kiss.  She's come full circle, folks.  

Selma, after kissing Sean, said she had to pull out the "big guns" for Tuesday's rose ceremony.  I'll let you decide what she meant by that.

AshLee decided to give Sean a blindfold as an analogy that she is "giving up control" and "allowing Sean to lead her."  While I appreciate how vulnerable AshLee was, I'm going to feel terrible when Sean sends her home in a couple of weeks.  Just as Lindsay is the Arie of this season, AshLee is this season's Sean.  She's become completely open and has given her heart to someone, like Sean did with Emily, only to (most likely) have it broken towards the end.  

This week, along with Sarah, we had to say goodbye to Selma and Daniella.  Truth be told, I'll miss the weird face Daniella always makes, and I'll miss whatever Selma is doing.  

And then there were six.  Upon re-entering the room, Sean proceeded to tell the women, "I just knew you six are the six for me."  The Bachelor is one of the few men who can say that exact sentence and get away with it.  Who else can say that during their lifetime without getting slapped?  

I have those six in the following order:

1) Desiree

2) Lesley

3) AshLee

4) Catherine

5) Lindsay

6) Tierra

Is it finally time that Tierra goes home?  ABSolutely!

The Bachelor Marathon: Episode 5, Montana

They say that too much of anything is a bad thing, and I would tend to agree, unless we're talking about the Bachelor.  I'd watch an episode every night if I could.  Why can't the show start with 100 women and have them eliminated one by one?  To finish the season on time, they'd have to play it every day!  Unfortunately, we don't always get what we want, but hey, four hours is better than two.

How can I cover all the great material we witnessed in just one post?  To do so would be a great disservice to Sean and his now six girlfriends.  So you get two posts.  This first post will cover the events that transpired in Montana, the first destination of what Chris called the "worldwide journey to find love with Sean."

Speaking of Montana, this was the ladies' reaction upon hearing they'd be leaving sunny, beautiful Southern California for one of the least populated states in the country.  Has anyone ever been this shocked, excited, and happy when they found out they'd be going to Montana?  No, they haven't.  One of the things that makes me the most angry when watching this show has to be the reactions the women have to things and events that don't deserve those kinds of reactions.  

Lindsay can't believe she gets a tour of Glacier National Park!  A place she just found out existed.  Yet, she gasped and squealed with delight.  Before this date, Sean said, "Today, I want to find out if [Lindsay] could potentially be my wife." That's so crazy.  That's exactly what I say before every first date I go on, too.  Ladies, beware.  

You want to know why Lindsay is still here, even after her wedding dress debacle?  The answer is simple, and is captured above.  She gives it up to Sean all the time.  In Monday's episode she exclaimed, "We get along so well!"  Well, it's because all you guys do is make out.  She is this season's Arie, and Sean is not complaining. This leads me to a very important point the ladies on the Bachelor should always remember:

To stay put, you have to put out.

I know some of you might not like to hear that, but we're talking about the Bachelor, and that's a Bachelor commandment, written in stone and on the fleshy tablets of Sean's pecs.  Selma, stop worrying about shaming your family.  Put out and you'll stay put.  It's as simple as that.  I would argue that putting out early and often will secure you a spot in the top eight without question.  It's not going to win you the show, but it will definitely keep you around longer than you deserve to be around.

Yes, it was another Competition Date, although this one was much less dramatic than the volleyball one. There wasn't enough tension, and there wasn't enough crying.  I will mention that a) someone asked Sarah if she'd rather canoe (wrong question to ask someone with one arm), and b) I was disappointed in Robyn's athletic ability.  I expected more out of her, but she turned out to be a worthless first mate in that canoe.  If Sarah had known how bad she'd be at the canoe, yes, she would rather have canoed.

Poor Des.  It was all for naught.

As Tierra covertly made her way to the group date to which she wasn't invited, did anyone else notice the shirt she was wearing?  I'm pretty sure I saw the blue team wearing those ... Not only is she [insert any bad quality you can imagine], she's also a thief!

Just in case you forgot.

Moving on, what does the word "Klingon" sound like?  Yes, it sounds like "Cling-on."  She's a parasite. She'll latch onto you and she won't let you go.  Didn't invite her on a date?  Doesn't matter.  She'll find a way to surprise you.  About to go make out with Lindsay in the hot tub?  Not a problem.  She'll be waiting right outside the door before you even have the chance.  

Alright, back to the women who were actually invited on the date.  This is how Daniella's night got started.  Like every night, she couldn't seem to find time alone with Sean.  On that note, if I were on a group date and I wanted time with Sean, I would employ a "walking strategy."  Instead of finding the closest couch, keep on walking until you're somewhere secret, somewhere safe.  No one will steal your lover away while you're on the move.  That piece of advice is being added to my personal When-I-Go-On-The-Bachelorette file, along with PUT OUT & STAY PUT.  

No matter how bad your night starts, putting out can always make it better.  And I'm sure there's nothing the ladies like more than Sean's tongue shoved down their mouths (much more on Sean's tongue next post).  You want to stay put, you put out.  It took Daniella some time to figure it out, but it got her a rose and bought her a little more time.  Do yourself a favor and enlarge that picture.  This is classic Sean-tongue action.  

Moving on.  Tierra was so thrilled when she found out she was going to be going on the two-on-one date.  Man, that smile really brings out the dent in her forehead.  

The next day, she changed her mind completely and decided she was ticked off.  In her own words:

"It sucks that the losers get to spend more time with Sean, and I'm stuck on the two-on-one ... It's a huge slap in the face.  No one wants to go on a two-on-one date."

This moment really chapped my a--, and it's a great example of how full of crap Tierra is.  One second, she's filled with excitement because she only has to share Sean with one woman as opposed to a whole group.  The next, she's pissed off about it.  What a manipulating wench!  Looking at that picture and thinking about her is making me vomit.  I have to move on.

But I can't.  As much as I hate Tierra, she provides us with endless amounts of entertainment.  I have to keep watching.  It's like watching the Lakers.  I hate them, but they're such a polarizing group that I always stop and watch when they're on TV.  And watching Kobe do his overbite celebration face is about as awkward as Tierra and Jackie sharing this limo ride.  

No one was surprised when Tierra won the rose.  Her post-rose celebration was eerily familiar to one I remember watching just last year ...

This is one of my favorite auto-tunes of all time.  

She's evil.  

This is what happens when Tierra works her magic on people.  The Robyn on the right is the Robyn from the first couple of episodes.  She's smart, funny, happy, and confident.  The Robyn on the left is the Robyn from Monday's rose ceremony.  We see a dramatic decline in all of the positive qualities listed above.  It's amazing how much of an effect Tierra is having on all the women.  Whenever one goes home, all they do is talk about her.  Whenever the ladies are gathered together at a rose ceremony, all they do is talk about her.  But, of all the women, Robyn let Tierra affect her the most, and because of that was sent home.  Oh, plus she didn't put out enough.  

Yes, Monday's episode was a frustrating one.  Where in the world do the producers find these villains?  Every season they seem to have one woman who is completely off her rocker, and of them all, I think Tierra is the craziest.  But beyond Tierra, what might have been the most frustrating thing about Monday was Sean's insistence that the women speak honestly to him about concerns they might have about other women, only to have him send home anyone who dared speak out against another (see Kacie & Jackie).  Very hypocritical of you, Sean.  No wonder they skirt around your questions and are vague in their answers.  

Because I hate to finish posts on a negative note, I will finish by bringing up the most constant theme of Monday's episode (besides Tierra): taxidermy.  After every single commercial break, we were treated to shots like these:

I don't know what it was about Montana, but the producers couldn't get enough taxidermy.  I was able to get seven shots, and I know I missed a couple more.  Now, after seeing all those pictures you might feel like you need some taxidermy in your own home.  If so, I would contact this guy:

I'll leave you with that.  The next post, with Power Ranking and Predictions, will be out on Saturday.