A Toast to Utah: Farewell, Old Friend

Ten hours, three boxes of Altoids, two Mountain Dews and forty-seven Peachios later, I've arrived in California, leaving behind Utah indefinitely to begin full-time work.  The fact that I won't be going back hasn't sunk in yet, and it might not for a while.  It's sad to leave behind the place I've lived in for 20 of my 26 years of life, but it's also exciting to begin my career and to begin real life (I still call it real life even though I'm living at my parents' house).

When people asked me what I'd miss most about Utah besides friends and family, I couldn't really think of much.  In fact, the only answer I came up with was basketball.  You can always count on finding good ball in Provo.  This led me to the thought that Utah, like anywhere I might live, is only as good as the people I find there.  I won't miss Utah for its mountains, because I'll have the beach.  I won't miss Utah for its weather, because I hate the snow.  I won't miss Utah for its attractions, because I have the feeling that California offers a lot more.  I'll miss Utah because of all the people I care for who I am leaving behind. Unfortunately, you can't always take those you love with you wherever you go.

So although it's depressing to say goodbye, I feel like I made the most of this last summer with those people.  I went to Kanarraville, Utah to see a solar eclipse.  I went camping, went to a rodeo and to multiple carnivals.  I beat down two pinatas and I painted for the first time since Elementary school.  I started this blog, went wedding crashing and won the Bachelorette TV series  competition.  I went on trips to Boise, California, and Seattle.  I passed my CPA tests and I loved more than I ever had before.  It was a great summer.

Last Monday was my final night in Utah, and it was an emotional one.  I hadn't expected the goodbye to hurt so much and be so hard.  Yet there I was, crying like a little girl in the arms of someone I love. Besides the pain associated with leaving, I had some other thoughts during that night.  One thought had to do, of course, with vulnerability (what would one of my blog posts be without mentioning vulnerability?).  Leaving was so difficult because of how deeply I cared about the people I was leaving behind.  This summer I opened myself up and made myself more emotionally available than any other time in my life.  Because of that I felt like I was able to feel happiness greater than ever before, yet on the other hand, it made it hurt that much more when I had to say goodbye.  Brene Brown teaches that the risk of letting "ourselves become vulnerably seen", as she puts it, is that while we open ourselves up to experience real feelings of joy, we are also in danger of feeling real pain.  I experienced that, and it did hurt.  Yet in the process I realized that feeling is in no way a negative experience.  It only meant that I was alive.  It meant that I could feel.  It meant that I was capable of loving and being loved in return.  It meant that I had lived and given all of myself, and although it hurt in the end, I was better for it.  That's what being human is all about!  We're here on earth to build relationships and have real, deep connections with people, connections that only come about when we really invest all of ourselves.  That's one of the most, if not the most, important parts of the human experience, yet we're all so scared to do it because we're scared of "getting hurt", and because of that fear we hold back. We only invest a part of ourselves.  We risk no more than what is comfortable.  In the end, we might not feel as much pain.  But living that way will never bring us real happiness. The only path to true joy is the one marked by the risk of hurt.

If there was one who walked that kind of path and who epitomized vulnerability, it was Christ.  He literally gave all of Himself on our behalf without any guarantee of reciprocation. In fact, He even knew that many people for whom He would suffer would reject Him.  Yet He went through with it anyway.  He didn't stop to count the cost or ask who would love Him in return. Christ's Atonement was the most vulnerable act in all of human history.  I believe that one of the reasons Christ is able to love so purely and feel so deeply for us is precisely because of that vulnerability.  Investing so much of Himself in us exposes Him to great pain, like the kind we read about in Moses 7, where the Lord "looked upon the residue of the people, and He wept" because of their wickedness.  Yet, at the same time, that vulnerability also allows Him to feel great, indescribable joy - the kind which we read about in 3 Nephi 17, where, due to the faith of the people, the Savior weeps because his "joy [was] full."  If we are to be Christlike, we must learn to become as vulnerable as He did.  We must learn to give ourselves to others, to love like crazy without guarantees, and even to cry when we are let down.  We shouldn't run from those feelings and try to avoid them, for they are the very emotions to which we should aspire, and that are most reminiscent of Christ.

So as I say farewell to Utah, I do so with mixed feelings.  I am sad to leave behind people I care about, yet I am thankful that I feel for them so much I cry.  I feel grateful for the chances I've had to learn to love, and to receive love.  I'm thankful I was able to experience humanity.  I'm appreciative to all of the people who made Utah what it was to me.  It's really to them, and not to Utah, that I say goodbye.  So instead of "So long, Utah", what I'm really saying is, "Take luck Jim."  "God speed Bones."  "See you later Brian."  "Bye Em.  I miss you."  And it's those kinds of people to whom I'll raise my glass in farewell.

      

The Bachelorette - What We Can Learn

This week's episode might be a turning point in the Bachelor/Bachelorette series. In the future we might remember this week as the week the show turned chaste.  I give props to Emily for denying all the men the chance to "spend more time" with her so they could "talk" together throughout the night.  Let's recap this week's episode and see what the Bachelorette can teach us about life and relationships.

Sean

I really feel for Sean this week, and that's not just because he was my favorite.  For how good a guy he was, I'm surprised at how few people share my love for him. Sean may not have been as charismatic as Jef or as smooth as Arie, but I still stand by my opinion that he was the best man of them all.  I'll admit that he was occasionally awkward and it felt somewhat unnatural when he tried to express his feelings, but I don't believe that was a result of him not being genuine.  I believe Sean is extremely authentic and is a man of no guile.  I believe his claims that what you see with him is what you get.  Unfortunately he just wasn't as charming and suave as the others.  

I believe that before Emily came along, Sean had never fully given his heart to someone.  He hasn't been in many relationships, and although he dated a girl for three years, it sounded like she was much more invested than he was - he loved her but he was not in love, as he said.  Sean has always been the one in the driver's seat.  Has he ever put himself at risk in a relationship?  Has he ever devoted himself to someone without any guarantee of being loved back?  Until Emily, I would answer no to both questions.  This was Sean's first experience of becoming vulnerable enough to give himself completely to someone and what happened?  His heart was broken.  Therein lies the risk that accompanies vulnerability and real commitment.  Sean put himself in a place where he could be hurt because of how much he had invested in Emily.  But at the same time, he also put himself in a place where he could feel more joy than he ever had before.  When we make the decision to totally commit ourselves to someone, we open ourselves up and are able to feel deeper and more real emotions.  But until we make that decision to go all in, the happiness we can feel in our relationship is limited.  Sean's first experience with true vulnerability in a relationship brought him great joy, but also left him devastated.  So what will he do now?  Will he become ever more closed off than before because of how much he was hurt?  Here's to hoping that through this experience, Sean has learned that the only way to experience real emotion in a relationship is by truly investing yourself, even if it does leave you susceptible to heartbreak.  And here's to hoping that he'll be able to make that kind of commitment again.

Arie

For everyone's viewing pleasure, I present once again Arie with long hair. I can't stop posting this picture because no one has ever looked so stupid.  Arie was one of my favorites early on, but I have lost my love for him.  I don't see enough from Arie, and like I've said before, all he and Emily do is make out.  I believe a total of seven words were spoken between them before they were on the deck of the yacht going at it.  That's all they do and Emily knows it.  That's why she had to ask what it is Arie does on a typical day.  Can you believe that they're on their second-to-last date before engagement and Emily doesn't even know what Arie does in his everyday life!?  Only on the Bachelorette could this happen. Furthermore, I can't picture them together on a day-to-day basis going through the mundane tasks of life.  It's difficult to see them hanging around the house with Ricki living the boring married life.  

If Emily is just now finding out about what Arie does and who he is, why has she kept him around so long?  Because she loves kissing him and he's attractive (now that his hair is short).  That's not much of a foundation for a couple that could potentially be engaged in two weeks time.  This is most likely due to the nature of the show, but they haven't had the time to discover what they should love about each other and what qualities each of them have that will keep them together in the long-run.  Their relationship is based mostly off of physical attractiveness, and so the highlight of their relationship was their first kiss and it hasn't gotten any better since.  If Emily and Arie are going to work, they have to begin to discover the traits and qualities each possess that matter and that will get better over time.  The quality they're investing in right now has a short shelf life, and when it's gone, on what foundation will they be able to stand?  

Jef

"Don't they look great together?

"When we were on the ferris wheel in London I never wanted to come down and when we were on the floor in Prague I never wanted to get up."

That was a great line from Jef.  I am continually impressed by him, and anyone who doubts that he's in the driver's seat right now is fooling themselves.  Arie needs to be taking some notes.  Jef's asking all the right questions, saying all the right things, and denying her the fantasy suite.  Suck on that, Emily!  That was a great move and I'm surprised no one else did the same (even though Arie didn't have a chance, there's no way he would have said no to the fantasy suite - he was built for that).  As opposed to Arie, I can picture Jef living the day-to-day life with Emily. For some reason it's so much more natural to picture them as a married couple, going through life with Emily's horde of kids she wants.  

Despite how well Jef is doing, I can't help but get the feeling that he's not as genuine as he seems and that he's very skilled at winning people over and making them believe he's a certain way.  At the same time, I realize that my opinion is biased because here in Utah Valley we hear rumors and stories from people who "knew" Jef or who "dated" him and who say that he's trouble.  However, in the end I can only judge Jef from what I've seen on the show, and what I've seen so far makes me think he's a good guy.  I have no right to judge the man because of the gossip I've heard, right?  So Jef, I'm sorry I've been judging you.  You don't deserve that. Go.  Take Emily's hand and lead her to salvation.  

Conclusion

As vain and shallow as the Bachelorette is, there are things we can learn from it and things we can decide to do in our lives because of what we have learned.

(1) We can decide to not judge others, but give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  Everyone has a good side, and if that's what we focus on that's what we'll see.  A wise man named Gordon B. Hinckley once said:

"When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it.  But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles."

(2) In our relationships, we can decide to find and focus on the qualities that really matter.  We can choose to look on the heart, rather than on the outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7).  It is those qualities that will matter in the long run.  

(3) And finally, we can decide to truly invest ourselves in our relationships.  We can take the emotional risk that is commitment and decide to love with all we are.  It can be a little scary and for some it can be downright terrifying.  But if we ever want to reach any level of deep intimacy, it's a step we all must take.  

Starting a blog, becoming vulnerable, and the Bachelorette

Starting a Blog.  On many different occasions I have considered starting a blog, but I never have.  The reasons for this are 1) I felt that no one would read what I would write because I have nothing interesting to say (I still feel this way), and 2) I was lazy and too “busy”.  I graduated from college two months ago and still have over three months to go before I enter the workforce full-time.  So being “busy” is no longer an excuse, and since being lazy was never an excuse to begin with, my second reason for not blogging is no longer a valid reason (was it ever?).  However, my first reason for not blogging has been and still is challenging to overcome.

Vulnerability.  This brings me to becoming vulnerable.  If you don’t want to read about borderline spiritual concepts, then please skip this paragraph and get to the good stuff about The Bachelorette.  So, the concept of vulnerability came to me after listening to the viral Ted Talks by Brené Brown called The Power of Vulnerability and Listening to Shame.  Both of these talks are worth watching and are worth pondering.  

Even after watching both of her talks multiple times, it’s still hard to define exactly what vulnerability is and what it means to me.  My favorite way that Brené describes it is that being vulnerable is when we allow ourselves to really be seen.  We completely expose ourselves to others (not like that), and that is a terrifying thing to do.  It is an emotional risk because the outcome is so uncertain.  There’s something in our mind (shame) that tells us that if someone knew everything about us then they wouldn’t accept us, and that’s what makes becoming vulnerable so frightening and uncomfortable.  We settle with being who people want or expect us to be.  To avoid any possible pain we reveal only as much of ourselves as we think people will accept, and their opinions begin to be the things that validate us, and we begin to draw our worth from the wrong sources.  Being vulnerable has to come from a place where we believe that who we are is enough.  When we believe that, we are able to reveal ourselves fully and we are able to let ourselves be deeply seen.  What Brené Brown teaches is that being vulnerable and reaching that point is where joy, happiness, and feelings of belonging and love come from.  We can have no real connection with others and no real, deep emotions until we allow ourselves to reach this point of excruciating vulnerability.  She teaches that becoming vulnerable is our most accurate measure of courage.  That’s funny because when you punch in “vulnerable” in the thesaurus, words like “susceptible” and “weak” come up, and those have less to do with “vulnerable” than “ugly” has to do with Emma Watson.  I have ranted on much too long about this topic, and this ranting comes not from a position of authority, because as much as I believe this, I haven’t really lived it.  So why am I even talking about it?  I promise that these last 400 words I have written have something to do with my starting a blog.  Here is a direct quote from Brené from Listening to Shame: “To create is to make something that has never existed before.  There is nothing more vulnerable than that.”  So in the spirit of trying to be more vulnerable, I have created this blog.  I have created something that has never existed, and I have created something that will hopefully reveal me in a way that will allow me to be seen.  This is a small step in me trying to live a more full life.

The Bachelorette.  Enough of this sappy banter!  Let’s move on to a different kind of sappy – the more worldly kind.  Speaking of being vulnerable … In this week’s episode of the Bachelorette, a number of the guys dropped the L-bomb on Emily and told them that they were “in love” or “falling in love” with her (I believe this was more of a strategic move and less of a bearing of the soul).  This got me thinking about the different steps that Bachelor/Bachelorette take and when they should take them to maximize their effect.  There are four major steps that I could think of: 1) the emotional story of your ex, your family, or something of that nature, 2) the first kiss, 3) the “I’m-going-to-sneak-out-of-the-house” visit after-hours, and  4) the “I love you”/“I am falling in love with you”.  This season has had good examples of each of these steps. 

Step 1: The emotional story of your ex, your family, etc.

This is generally the first step to take in developing a “real” relationship with the Bachelorette.  The ideal place for this is probably on the first date.  This season, Doug came out with it too early, and Wolf came out with it too late.  On opening night Doug read the letter his son had written for Emily, and then did nothing the rest of the show except accept his role as Papa Bear of the house and make fun of Chris (who will be quick to tell you he’s a man and not a boy!).  I believe that dropping the emotional story should be followed by the second milestone relatively quickly.  Doug never did that and then suffered for it.  Wolf waited too long to become emotional in the first place, and even though he followed it with the first kiss, he was already too far behind.  Taking Step 1 kept him around for another week, but there was too much ground to make up.

Step 2: The First Kiss

Besides coming soon after the first milestones, the only other rules is that if you’re Arie, then you do it as soon as you can so that every time Emily sees you from then on out, she’ll be begging you for more (if Arie looked like he did in this blog with long hair, the only thing she’d be begging for is that he go home).  Besides that, just get it done.  That could be sooner rather than later or vice versa, but it has to come at the right time.  Doug waited too long and it killed him.  Jef also waited a long time, but it was the right move for him and it played to his favor. 

Step 3: The “I’m-going-to-sneak-out-of-the-house” visit after-hours

This move locked up the win for Courtney in last season’s Bachelor with Ben.  Ever since the skinny-dipping session, Ben was hooked on Courtney.  This season, both Arie and Sean took this step very effectively, although the whole Sean running around Prague looking for Emily was one of the stupidest things I have ever seen.  This really is a bonus step.  Not everyone has to reach it, but for those who do, it’s very beneficial.  It’s no coincidence that this season’s two favorites have both made an after-hours visit. 

Step 4: The “I love you”/”I am falling in love with you”

Both Jef and Arie made these pronouncements last episode, and Emily swooned.  The way Jef did it with the puppets was great.  I was surprised that the love word was used this episode.  Historically, we usually hear these phrases during the hometown dates.  That’s probably a good place to use them, but as we saw last episode, using them earlier can’t hurt. 

Step 5 (Just added): The Fantasy Suite!

My personal favorite.  “Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms…”