Episode 2 - The Absurdity of the Bachelor

I think every post should begin with the monkey photo-bombing Sean's make-out session.  It's this season's Bachelor logo.  Way better than some montage of roses or this terribly queer photo of Sean.  Man, that's a lame picture.  We're going with the monkey!

Last Sunday I arrived in Dallas, Texas to seek out the Sean, and hopefully get an interview with him for the blog.  Just kidding.  I am in Dallas, but I'm here to attend some work training.  When I say some, I mean a ton.  They've got us here until the 25th of January, which is a really long time.  Thirteen days to be exact.  However, when you're at a place as nice as this (the video doesn't do it justice), you can't complain too much.  Since I've been here I've gone dancing almost every night, solo-karaoked for the first time and raced armadillos (weird, right?).  I bring my stay in Dallas up to apologize for the delay in posting.  We don't have a lot of free time here.  That being said, I'll jump right in with some quick notes from episode two:

1. The Helicopter

Will there ever come a time when the girls don't get totally and inexplicably giddy when they see the Bachelor coming to pick up someone in a helicopter?  "Are you kidding me?  Shut up!  Oh my gosh!"  Have they never seen this stupid show?  Kacie, with complete and utter awe in her voice, said: "Oh my gosh, Sean is picking her up in a helicopter.  Not a car, not any normal mode of transportation ... a helicopter."  She was on the show! She really can't remember the numerous times she rode in the whirlybird with Ben?

2. The Absurdity of the "Height" Date  

Here we have one of the standard (usually early in the show) Bachelor dates.  The one where the Bachelor takes his "unsuspecting" date in a helicopter to a tall location, where she nervously asks what they could possibly be doing at such an altitude.  The Bachelor then explains that yes (cue foreboding music), they will be making their way down there with some sort of apparatus tied to their bodies.  The potential soul mate then cannot believe that they would do such a thing.  Then we are treated to phrases like these, heard last night:

"[Insert Bachelor name] knows I can do it, and he's gonna be here to do it with me."

"As long as he's, like, holding me next to him and we're going to take this plunge together, I'll do it."

 "We're in this together.  My heart is racing a mile a minute, and the only thing keeping me calm is [insert Bachelor name]."

Finally, as the now-bonded couple floats gently to the ground, we hear stuff like this, also from last night:

"Yes, we really just [insert activity here].  It was such a sense of relief and also a sense of accomplishment.  We did this.  We did it together."

"The way [she] handled it, [she's] up for anything. ... It was a nice bonding experience.  I feel closer to [insert potential lover name]."

"There's nothing I'm scared of.  The only thing in the world I could have ever thought I'd be scared of - [insert activity here].  And I did it with [insert Bachelor name]." 

They were only able to accomplish such a feat with each other's support, and because they did, they are now close and probably in love.  Nothing makes me cringe like the dialogue during the "Height" Date.

3. Love vs. Infatuation

Since this season has started, I've had to explain to numerous people the reasons I watch and write about the Bachelor.  I won't take the time here to enumerate those reasons.  Instead, I will explain and clarify one reason I do not watch.  I do not watch because I believe in the process the contestants go through in order to, as the show so often puts it, "find love."  There might be some people who believe us Bachelor faithful actually have faith that true love really is the end result of each season.  But no.

What the contestants go through on this show is most definitely not love, but infatuation.  Take sweet little Sarah for example.  Sarah's dealings with Sean have consisted of a) a small conversation at the opening cocktail party and b) a single date.  After the date she said the following: "I feel like I'm falling in love with Sean." No you're not.  You are infatuated with Sean.  You like him.  You want to get to know him more.  I can assure you that you are not falling in love with him.  Not yet, and probably not ever while your relationship is still being televised for all to see.  I've always wondered how many of the contestants sign up truly believing that, if they won, the resulting relationship would be a healthy one based on real love.  They can't all be that naive, can they?

I believe that love takes a lot more than three months of polygamous dating, and is much, much deeper than anything reality TV contestants experience.  I obviously haven't experienced it, making me no authority on the subject, but I can write whatever I dang well please here, so I will.  I'll give two reasons why Bachelor-produced love doesn't work.

First.  Two people cannot truly love each other unless they are totally committed to each other.  Real commitment cannot result from this show considering the Bachelor is dating twenty women at once, giving a piece of his heart here and another piece there.  You know when the parents of the contestants are concerned about the Bachelor dating so many other woman?  Well, they have a right to be concerned!  They understand what I believe: that dating that many woman messes the Bachelor up for a while.  He gets so used to that style of dating and having that kind of attention that when the time comes for him to settle down with the one he "loves", he's unable to do it for more than a few months.  The irony of the show is that while its "goal" is to finally let this poor, unlucky-at-relationships guy find true love, it actually ruins his ability to love and commit himself to one person.

The second reason has to do with reality vs. life on the Bachelor.  The Bachelor's relationships with the woman do not resemble reality in any way, shape, or form.  They live an insane lifestyle for three months, traveling to exotic places and doing crazy, exciting things.  They don't experience the vicissitudes of day-to-day living. Everything is, no pun intended, roses.  Not being able to interact with the Bachelor in a real world setting, the ladies see the Bachelor only as the perfect man.  In Sean's case, all they see is someone who is nice, family-oriented, sincere, sweet, etc.  In their eyes, he has no flaws.  Then the show ends, and the Bachelor chooses his girl and they go off to live in a world they haven't been prepared for.  Time passes, the winner sees flaws she never saw before, and real life happens.  They have to deal with work, time commitments and everything else that normal people experience.  The relationship falls apart, and another Bachelor-produced couple falls by the wayside.

I know I said two reasons, but let me bring up a third point.  The commitment that accompanies winning this show and the relationship that the winners arrive at don't match up.  The commitment is that they'll head toward marriage.  The relationship they have is no stronger than any two- or three-week relationship in the real world. What happens at the end of the Bachelor is like taking two people who have been dating for three weeks, telling them they're going to get married, and then tracking their every move after that.  Sound like a recipe for success?  I didn't think so.  Before a couple can take that kind of pressure upon deciding to get married, they better have reached a deeper love - one built on commitment and time spent together.  They better have reached a point where they can see flaws and love one another despite them, and, in the words of C.S. Lewis, "have love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other."  

4. Fantasy Bachelor Teams Announced

This now sits at my cube at work.

The teams don't have names yet, but they have been chosen.

Team 1 (Lindsay Queyrel): Tierra, Selma, Lesley, Robyn
Team 2 (Derek Welling): AshLee, Lindsay, Kristy, Jackie
Team 3 (Colleen Johnson): Desiree, Taryn, Diana, Katie
Team 4 (Craig Swindlehurst): Kacie, Sarah, Catherine, Amanda
Undrafted Free Agents: Leslie, Brooke, Daniella

The teams were chosen after the first episode, and I'll be honest, I don't love my team.  I won't get into which team I think will win.  Not in this post.  The next section will give you an idea of which team I think is best.

Power Rankings

No blog post is complete without the Power Rankings.  Here we go.

1. Desiree ( - ).  How is Desiree not the front-runner?  My knock on her (or my knock on the producers) is that there's no way she didn't know the falling vase was coming.  She must of known because her reaction was too calm for that situation, and I think I even caught her looking at the camera.  That's my only complaint.  That being said, can someone tell me the last time the early front-runner ended up winning the show?  The only one I can think of is maybe J.P., and I'm not even sure he was the early front-runner.  The rest (Arie, Kacie B., Chantal) all lost.  So while she might be "winning" now, I don't think she'll be the last one standing.

2. Lesley (+8).  Sean really likes Lesley, and with reason.  I'm surprised she slipped past me.  After last episode, she's right there with Desiree.  That makes my two original picks for dark horses the two front-runners.  Interesting.

3. Kacie (-1).  I'm starting to get mixed feelings about Kacie.  I think she's a little smug - does anyone else get the vibe that she thinks she's a lot cooler than everyone else?  Plus when she laughs she cackles - go back and watch last episode.  She's like a hyena.  Also, when she got the rose on the group date she stated that all she wanted was "ten more."  She's actually counting down the roses.  Man, you are one pathetic loser.  Didn't like her this week.  

4. Sarah (-1).  Sarah gets the first one-on-one date, and consequently nabs the first real kiss of the show.  So props to her.  My one concern with Sarah is everything seems to be about the arm (or better said, the lack thereof).  She brings it up all the time, whether it's in interviews or with Sean.  Chances are it's the producers doing, but we need to hear less about it.  It's time to move on.  However, I'm still waiting for a really awkward moment to happen, like one of the following: a) Sean goes in for a double high five (oops), or b) he goes down too far as he's rubbing her arm, and slips off the end.

5. AshLee (+1).  Did you know there's a certification to become a professional organizer?  And that experienced organizers can charge well over $100 per hour?  In fact, I read that "it's not unheard of for a certified personal organizer to charge $1,500 per day of services."  $1,500 a day!?  Simple math tells me that five days a week for eight months gets you $240,000!!!!  Who has enough money to spend over $1,000 PER DAY for someone to organize their closets!?  And who's that stupid?

6. Taryn (-2).  I still don't understand why the producers aren't giving Taryn any airtime.  It's really starting to piss me off.  I don't want to move her any farther down.  

7. Robyn (-3).  I still like Robyn, just not as much as I did before.  It's surprising how much failed gymnastics moves will vault you in my rankings.  She goes one week without falling and I drop her three spots.  If she wants a spot in my top five, she's going to have to start tumbling across the rooms or cartwheeling down the stairs.

8. Jackie ( - ).  Jackie also gets screwed with the amount of airtime she gets.  So that's all I can write about her when I'd like to write much more.  Thanks producers, for screwing my blog up.

9. Lindsay (+5).  I'm high on Lindsay.  Forget my old predictions.  I am making Lindsay the official sleeper of this year's Bachelor.  No more changing dark horses this season.  This is the final decision.  It's Lindsay.

10. Catherine (+1).  "I'm vegan, but I love the beef!"  I felt that for that comment alone Catherine should move up at least one spot.  She hasn't been a relevant factor in this show yet, but I'm confident she will be.

11. Kristy (+8).  Kristy flies up the power rankings after a strong show.  Even the girls were describing her as "really, really hot."  I've begun to like her.  What was her problem again?  Maybe it's because she's a model, and models haven't been the best contestants in recent years (see Robertson, Courtney).

12. Selma (+4).  After hating on Selma in the season premiere, I actually really liked her this episode.  For some reason, she does kind of remind me of a Grandma  She has that kind of face.

The Tierra death glares.

13. Tierra ( - ).  Not much to say about Tierra except she is messed up and really, really mean.  There are at least five moments per show where she'll fix you with a death stare, and if I were one of the other girls, I'd be a little scared.  If I were Robyn, for example, I'd start locking my doors and I'd consider not bad-mouthing Tierra right in front of her. Hopefully Sean becomes aware of the insanity of this particular contestant. When will the Bachelors realize that the girl that none of the other girls like is trouble?  My theory is that when they hear the warnings from the other girls, they begin to like the villain even more.  They're drawn to the forbidden fruit.

14. Leslie (+1).  We all know it's only a matter of time.

The most deceiving profile picture of the season.

15. Daniella (+3).  See above.

16. Amanda (-4).  What is wrong with you!?  How did you go from the girl on the right to this sulking dimwit?  It doesn't make any sense!  Be normal! For the sake of my fantasy team be normal!!!

Goodbye to:

Katie.  That photo shoot date just wasn't for her.  And Sean didn't need much convincing when she told him she wanted to go.  "Well, let me walk you out then."

Brooke.  Purrrrrrr.....   

Diana.  Her single mom status didn't help with Sean, whose heart was recently broken by ..... a single mother.

Predictions

Last Week: 1-2
Season: 1-2

If Amanda hadn't received the final rose, I'd be sitting pretty at 2-1.  Instead, I'm 1-2 for the season (which doesn't include the first episode since I just thought of this).  I'm not sure how many girls will go home this next episode, so I'll be safe and choose four girls (in order) whose incredible journey of infatuation should end next Monday.  Amanda, Daniella, Leslie, and Jackie.  I throw Jackie's name out there very hesitantly because I want to see more of her, but who else to send home?

Until next week!

The Bachelor Season Premiere - Here We Go Again

Was anyone else confused by the monkey's photobomb?

I can't tell you how happy I was last Monday as I got ready to waste two hours of my life.  I'm ecstatic The Bachelor back.  The first episode was both absolutely fantastic and terribly disappointing at the same time.  Fantastic because most all the women were crazy, and disappointing because there's not one that I really, really like.  That being said, I was thoroughly entertained, and I think we have a good season on our hands.

My Predictions

As you know, I made my predictions completely and totally in the dark with respect to this season.  While watching the first episode, hopefully you didn't notice that those predictions were pretty terrible.  Some bad ones:

1. All my potential mothers?  Not mothers.
2. Ashley P. (heretofore referred to as Fifty Shades of Whore) was one of my dark horses.  My last post said: "If you want to bet on an Ashley, bet on this one."  This is why I don't gamble.
3. Besides Kacie, these are the girls I chose to make it to hometown dates: Lindsay, Keriann and Amanda. For those keeping score at home that's a) the drunk in the wedding dress, b) a girl who's already off the show and c) a girl that had seventeen seconds of airtime.  Chances are you don't remember Amanda at all.  I do, because for reasons unbeknownst to me, I picked her as my runner-up.  

What if they were both armless?  Maybe next season.

What Are The Chances?

Don't worry, it only gets better from here.  This was my worst prediction (or my best, depending on how you look at it).  Please read what I wrote about Desiree last week:

"Desiree becomes a major dark horse if she actually doesn't have a left arm.  [Her] picture looks like she's missing it.  If that's the case, chalk her up for a top-five finish."

Please tell me what the chances are of me making that statement only to find out that a different contestant is ACTUALLY MISSING AN ARM!?

Homoerotic Moment of the Show

Since all my predictions are terrible, why don't I make one more?  Sean will give the final rose of the show to none other than ... Arie.  Did anyone else think their one-on-one time together was a little too intimate?  Sean had already spent the first twenty minutes of the show engaged in various activities with his shirt off (more below), so I was fully expecting it to come off at some point during this scene.

"Dude, nice v-neck."  "You too, bro.  Get in here."

Good thing Sean didn't see Arie looking like this, or he might not have been so attracted to him:

Yes, Arie.  In this case, long hair does care.

Classic Bachelor Moment

The great opening montages never change.  If there was ever a Bachelor with whom you should maximize shirtless airtime, Sean is that guy, and the producers definitely took liberties here.  The ladies were blessed with bare-chested vistas of Sean running, pumping the weights, looking pensive after pumping the weights, playing with the kids, and hiking a small rock.  What else do you want your man to do?

Do they do this with the Bachelorette?  Do they put her in a bikini and have her run across the beach and climb geographical obstacles?  No, they don't, and I am just realizing this. Seems a bit unfair.  The ladies haven't always had it this good though.  What did the producers do last year with Ben?  Maybe they kept the cameras rolling on his oily hair.  There's not much else to look at.

Not much of a competition here.

Notable Quotes

"Do we need me to start dancing? ... I have no idea why I'm still single"  -Fifty Shades of Whore, and could it be because of your dancing?   

"That's not what you told me in the fantasy suite.  You bastard!"  -Arie, pretending to be a woman for Sean.  He was surprisingly funny.

"Sean is hot.  He is my dream man.  If I could just dream a man up, it would be him."  -Selma, making sure we understand what she means by "dream man."

"Typical engineers I work with are usually socially awkward, and a little boring ..."  -Robyn, making fun of my dad.  Take it back, Robyn.  Take it back now!

"Isn't this exciting?"  -AshLee, after getting a rose, to an audience of other girls who didn't have a rose.  She received a less than enthusiastic response.

"When it comes down to it, I think we might have the same morals."  -Lindsay, after getting very drunk and trying to rape Sean.  She doesn't sound very sure.

Notable Tweets

From some guy named Eric Ledgin (@iamledgin), and some lady named Dr. Jill Biden (@JillBidenVeep).  

"I love the show 'Damaged Women, Boring Man.'  I guess technically it's called The Bachelor." 

"'I'd give my right arm to get a  rose ...' Things you can't say on The Bachelor."

The Power Rankings

Now it is time to rate the women, from 1 - 19.  Honestly, I'm not sure what the rankings are based off.  It's part personal preference, part how well they did last episode, and part how well I think they'll do in the future.  But mostly my personal preference, because that's most important.  Without further adieu ...

That's ugly.

1. Desiree.  My apologies to Desiree for thinking she was an amputee.  I'm trying to make it up to her by putting her atop my power rankings.  I liked everything about her - I like her job, I liked her penny-throwing/fountain-wishing introduction, I like how she's not an amputee (I'll never call you that again, baby, I promise), and I liked her conversation with Sean. The only thing I'm worried about is her puny-a boyfriend that shows up in a future episode.

2. Kacie.  The only reason she's number two and not number one is that awful dress she was wearing.  Everyone else looked pretty elegant, and she looked like a hooker.  I think that was worse than the entire collection of backless dresses that Ashley was so fond of wearing when she was the Bachelorette.

3. Sarah.  I, like everyone else, really liked Sarah.  She was a nice contrast from some of the other girls, like Lindsay and Fifty Shades of Whore.  She was well-spoken, sincere and very vulnerable.  I really felt for her when I was watching the show.  To be blunt, it would be really hard having only one arm.  Sure it would make day-to-day functions more difficult, but you could sense in the way Sarah talked that it affects her confidence and self-esteem, and that's sad.  I'm not ashamed to jump on the Sarah bandwagon.  I hope she does well.

4. Taryn.  My notes (yes, I take notes) from Taryn's first impression: "Normal."  This season that might be all it takes to crack the top-five.  For some reason I have a good feeling about Taryn.  I think she'll be around for a while.  But I also said that about Keriann.

5. Robyn.  Despite her insult to my father (who teaches engineering), I was quite taken with Robyn.  This is surprising, because I like my women like I like my sour cream: white.  Maybe it was her failed back handspring.  That was amazing.  

Robyn takes a tumble.

6. AshLee.  I don't like how she spells her name, but I'll let it slide because she has the best job of all the single ladies - professional organizer.  I think I have a new dream job.

7. Diana.  Not much to say about Diana other than I'm pretty sure she's the token a) Mormon and b) single parent.  I wouldn't have chosen her to be the parent out of this group in a million years.  She didn't totally screw up, even though her introduction needed major polishing.

8. Jackie.  My "Leftovers" both made my top ten (Lesley at #10)!  How many potential introductions did she go over with her friends until they settled on the give-Sean-a-kiss-with-red-lipstick approach?  And how did they end up deciding that was the best one?  I'd be interested to see what options didn't make it.

9. Katie.  Unfortunately, her picture is better than reality.  And keep the yoga to the yoga studio next time.

10. Lesley.  I've heard a lot of people like her.  Meh.  We've seen the football trick a million times, sister.  When it was over and she gave the ball to Sean, I was really hoping he would punt it as hard as he could, Blake Griffin style.  

11. Catherine.  I've also heard a lot of people say they like her.  Meh.  I'm not impressed when someone uses the word "hunk" to describe someone, if even that person is Sean.  You suck, Catherine.

12. Amanda.  I don't want to talk about my "runner-up".

13. Tierra.  This season's villain!  It's too bad the previews of this season turned me against her immediately.  I thought she was okay before that.  Well, at least up until she started to take offense when the others said her rose technically wasn't the first impression rose.  That was a thrilling argument, wasn't it?

14. Lindsay.  You knew the producers were going to force Sean to keep either Lindsay or Fifty Shades of Whore for entertainment's sake.  Even though she is the producer's pick, I have good feelings about her.  I think she'll rise through the ranks quickly and be around for a while.

15. Leslie.  Not much to say about Leslie other than I was expecting it to say "WNBA Player" and not "Poker Dealer" as her occupation.  She also exclaimed "Holy Toledo!" at one point.  When was the last time someone under the age of 80 used a phrase like that?

16. Selma.  My notes from Selma's introduction: "BOOOO!!!!"

17. Brooke.  I'm pretty sure she purred at Sean when they hugged.  No thank you.

18. Daniella.  She was the one that tried the extended handshake that athletes do.  If you want to know what I wrote about that, see #16.

19. Kristy.  Behind Tierra, Kristy has the most villain potential.  I hope they form an alliance.

New Predictions

Instead of trying to make predictions for the entire season, I'll stick to weekly predictions.  If I'm not mistaken, we'll lose three girls this week, bringing us down to sixteen.  My picks are Daniella, Brooke, and Amanda.

Fantasy Bachelor Draft is being held tomorrow at 3 pm Pacific Time.  Looking forward to defending the title. Until next week!

My Bachelor Preview

While my friends are out there having babies (congratulations to Steve and Rachel Moulton) and otherwise progressing in life, I am spending my time writing about the Bachelor, which we will all be blessed with tomorrow night.  Last summer I rooted for Sean all season until I decided I didn't like Emily and that I'd rather have Sean as the next Bachelor.  My dreams have come true and my blog will once again have meaning and purpose.  This show is the fuel that drives my writing for half the year.  

The powerful team "Shut Up & Drive"

Together with the Bachelor comes the second bi-annual Fantasy Bachelor Competition.  I will take this opportunity to remind everyone that I am the reigning champion of the first Fantasy Bachelor Competition after drafting the top three contestants from last season (see image to the right).  This time I will be taking the competition to the workplace, where I will look to defend my title against the wiles and cunning tactics of other accountants.  I expect that my next post will showcase this year's teams.

Before I launch into my preview, I feel it important to mention that I don't read Reality Steve or any spoilers.  I like it that way so I can continue to have reactions like this one.  So please, if you're someone who likes to know the end from the beginning when it comes to reality TV, don't tell me anything.  I don't want the next three months of my life ruined (that's how important this show is to me).  All I know about this show is that we have seen two of the contestants before (Paige and Kacie B. - see more below).  Other than that, I am going into it totally blind.  So as you read on and as I try to predict the fate of these desperate women, know that I am doing so based solely on their ABC.com profile pictures and what my gut is telling me.

That being said, let's do this.  There are 26 contestants.  Upon looking them over, I have placed them into ten groups that will explain what I predict we will see this year.  The name of each group's winner will be underlined in bold in the caption of the pictures.

The Mothers

AshLee, Sarah, Kelly

The Bachelor's recent trend is bringing single-parent contestants on the show.  From Michelle Money to Emily to Dougie-Wougie and Tony from last season, I imagine that every show from this point on will have one or more single parents.  Hopefully their children won't be old enough to watch or understand the show.  I don't see much of a future for any of these potential mothers.  There are no real contenders here.  The one with the best chance will be AshLee, but even she will go home relatively early.

The Twins

Lacey, Daniella

I don't know how Sean is going to tell these two apart.  They look exactly the same!  Which brings me to  my first shocking prediction of this season: they are the same person.  To increase her odds of winning, "Laciella", as I will call her, created an alter-ego and sent in two different aliases.  She'll constantly be changing clothes and hair to look like two different people, pulling a Robin Williams from "Mrs. Doubtfire" all season long.  Every rose ceremony one of them will be coincidentally sick.  

Sean will end up liking Daniella a lot more than Lacey, but will confuse the two during a rose ceremony and accidentally give a rose to Lacey and send Daniella home (who will happen to be sick during the ceremony). "Laciella" will happily accept the rose as Lacey.  Sean will become so angry for sending home Daniella that he won't talk to Lacey for the next week, even though they'll go on a one-on-one date.  She'll then get sent home.  Later in the show, "Laciella" will come back as the rejected Daniella and try for one more shot at Sean's heart without success.  By far, "Laciella" will provide the most drama on this year's show, and is a shoe-in for the next season of Bachelor Pad.  

Destiny's Child

Clockwise from the top-left: Ashley H., Brooke, Robyn, Leslie

This season we have more African-Americans than any season I can remember.  Unfortunately, they'll be wasted on pasty-white Sean from Texas.  And yes, I know Destiny's Child had only three members.  I could have been more accurate and called them En-Vogue, but no.  To my dismay, I don't see Sean breaking the color barrier this year.  I believe Brook will be the lead say that the lead of Destiny's Child, but will only make it to the top seven or eight.   Two will go home on the first night and the other soon thereafter.    

The Superfan

Paige

Apparently Paige was on the last season of Bachelor Pad.  Not because she had been a previous contestant on any season of the Bachelor, but because she was a "superfan".  Rule 7A of predicting Fantasy Bachelor is "never put your money on a former Bachelor Pad contestant, especially if they were a superfan".  Carrying over what she learned from Bachelor Pad, she will be this season's Michelle Money/Courtney - the girl that all the other girls hate/warn Sean about.  Although she should leave much earlier, the producers love the drama and keep her around way too long.

The Eponines

Clockwise from top-left: Diana, Katie, Tierra, Taryn

I name them the Eponines because I liken them to the character from Les Miserables.  Most people who see the movie/musical prefer to reside in Camp Eponine as opposed to Camp Cozette, wishing that Marius would have chosen the street urchin over the sheltered maid.  Likewise, these women will be great fits for Sean, but we'll watch Sean make poor decision after poor decision until they're all gone.  Think Chantal, the runner-up from Brad's season. She was a much better fit for Brad than Emily, and everyone knew it.  But Brad was an idiot.  I really hope Sean keeps at least Katie around for a while, because I can get used to that curly hair, and I'm generally not even a fan of curly hair.  Consider her one of my pre-show favorites.  Unfortunately, I don't consider her sticking around for more than four episodes.  As for the other, Diana looks too much like Hannah Montana, and Taryn looks too much like Carrie Underwood.  So I'll say Tierra is the last woman standing here.    

The "Gias"

Catherine, Selma, Laruen, Kristy

Named after Gia from Brad's season who was really, really boring, but also really, really good-looking.  These women will stay in for longer than they should, despite having no substance whatsoever.  Selma not only has the same name (with an "e" instead of an "a") as Salma Hayek, but she looks just like her as well.  The poor thing probably gets that all the time.  I will bet anyone $1.43 that will come up at some point during the show.  And does anyone else think Lauren looks like a teenager?  For some reason I'm getting really, really bad vibes from Kristy, so put her down as second most likely to be the girl all the other girls hate.  Catherine takes the cake here.    

The Leftovers

Lesley, Jackie

After I separated the women into categories (three more categories below), I was left with these two and I didn't know where to put them.  Consider them first- or second-episode goners whose names you will never hear again. But since they have their own group, I'm forced to choose one.  Jackie.  Hopefully she'll surprise me.  

The Dark Horses

Ashley P., Desiree

Here are my two dark horses for this season - the girls who come out of the woodworks and end up making it much farther than anyone thought.  Desiree becomes a major dark horse if she actually doesn't have a left arm.  The picture looks like she's missing it.  If that's the case, chalk her up for a top-five finish.  Ashley P. looks a too much like Lindsay (see below), but I figured that with three Ashleys, one of them would have to be somewhat relevant.  If you want to bet on an Ashley, bet on this one.  But if you're pitting an Ashley against Desiree?  Pick Desiree.  

The Hometowns

Lindsay, Keriann, Amanda

Now we're getting to the girls I think will have the opportunity of presenting Sean to their families for approval. Anytime you can introduce someone to your parents who is dating three other members of the opposite sex and who you've only known for a month, you've got to do it.  Before I make my selection from this group, I should predict whose family will be craziest (think Ben's sister), most awesome (think Constantine's family - remember when his dad made it rain?  If not, Google "Constantine Bachelor hometown 'make it rain'"), and most boring (think every other family we meet on this show) .  Craziest - Lindsay.  Awesome - Amanda.  Boring - Keriann.  Since Sean is all about family, he'll go with the coolest family.  Amanda is your runner-up folks.  

The Champ

Kacie B.

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you my prediction for the winner of this year's Bachelor!  Yes, Kacie B. from Ben's season.  I'm not even 100% sure she'll actually be on the show, but I've heard as much and will take the liberty of assuming so.  In my time watching the Bachelor, a returning contestant has never won, or even contested. Remember that awkward episode when Shawntel (from Brad's season; the one who worked at the morgue) came back?  That was painful.  But not as painful as her family's commercial.  Anyway, let me explain to you the reason I believe Kacie and Sean make sense.  

Do you remember why she got kicked off Ben's season?  They went on a hometown date and met Kacie's family.  It turned out that Kacie's family was very religious and her father was very much against Ben and Kacie living together, despite Kacie's protestations.  Since we all know that Ben turned out to be a sex-crazed pervert, this turned him off completely and he ended up sending her home that episode, despite being the front runner most of the season. Bring in Sean.  Sean consistently talked about the importance of faith and family, and it seemed he came from a very religious background, like Kacie.  While his family wasn't nearly as strange as Kacie's, it appeared they held the same moral standards.  Sean won't be freaked out by Kacie's family, and they won't be freaked out by Sean. It's a match made in heaven.  

So there you have it.  Tomorrow can't come fast enough.

Living Like Otis

I knew this day would come.  Anyone who has started a blog has experienced a time when weeks, but more likely months, pass without a blog post.  The last 68 make up my first real dry spell, but I'm sure many more will follow.  My blogging dry spells may even prove to be longer and arid than my girlfriend dry spells, but I doubt it.

Moving on.  California has treated me well thus far, and my recent trip to Utah only confirmed how much I like it here.  Living with my family has been great and work has been surprisingly pleasant (although soon I'll be entering my first busy season.  Come back on April 15th and I'll tell you how I really feel about my job).  I have little to complain about.

That being said, I didn't feel this way when I started work.  I had trouble adapting to the schedule and I wasn't sure I liked my job at all.  Part of me was already secretly planning my exit strategy, although the rest of me wouldn't admit it.  I wasn't feeling very happy, and work wasn't the only reason.

And then things started to change.  Maybe it was simply my becoming more accustomed to my new life with the passage of time.  Maybe not.

My brother Brian shared this Ted Talk with me by Shawn Anchor entitled "The Happy Secret to Better Work."  At the time I didn't feel like I was producing bad work that needed to be better, but I did need a better attitude towards my work.  The following excerpt consists of bits and pieces that underscore what this discourse was all about:

"If I know everything about your external world, I can only predict 10 percent of your long-term happiness.  90 percent of your long-term happiness is predicted not by the external world, but by the way your brain processes the world.  And if we change it, if we change our formula for happiness and success, what we can do is change the way that we can then affect reality. We found that only 25 percent of job successes are predicted by I.Q.  75 percent of job successes are predicted by your optimism levels, your social support and your ability to see stress as a challenge instead of as a threat.  In the last three years, I've traveled to 45 different countries, working with schools and companies in the midst of an economic downturn.  And what I found is that most schools and companies follow a formula for success, which is this: if I work harder, I'll be more successful.  And if I'm more successful, then I'll be happier. ... And the problem is that's scientifically broken and backwards ... our brains work in the opposite order. ... If we can find a way of becoming positive [and happy] in the present, then our brains work even more successfully as we're able to work harder, faster and more intelligently."

My happiness was being determined by my surroundings, like my job.  I was seeing stress as a threat, and not a challenge.  I was unconsciously placing my happiness just out of reach.  I thought that if I had a job that I enjoyed more or if I had more success at my job and in life, I'd be happy.  But what Mr. Anchor teaches is that you don't have to be successful to be happy; just being happy creates the success you're looking for.  He teaches that your current circumstances don't predict your long-term happiness; the way you process the world predicts your long-term happiness.  These are not novel concepts.  You and I have heard them a million times before and we all probably accept them as things we believe.  But if we really examined our lives, we would find, like I did, that we allow our external circumstances to determine how happy we are more often that we think we do.  We would find that we've made the happiness for which we constantly strive forever elusive, just over the horizon and on the opposite side of success, of marriage or of a new job.  It's a skewed way of thinking, but unfortunately it's human nature to constantly be looking for greener pastures.

Yes, that is me in a Onesie behind him.

You know who doesn't have that problem?  Dogs.  I have a dog and his name is Otis.  Those who know me well know that I love my dog. He was once full of energy, but now he's slowed down and is kind of a gimp.  But every now and then he'll perk up and become the spry little dog he once was.  Otis and the rest of the canine world are amazing creatures.  Unlike us, they wear their emotions on their sleeves - we never have to guess what they think of us.  In our human-human interactions, we're always concerned and wondering what others might be thinking of us while at the same time hiding what we really feel about them for fear of hurting their feelings.  So we put on a facade and keep them guessing.  Wouldn't relationships and dating be a lot easier if we all acted like dogs?  Not in the sniffing-each-other's-crotches kind of way, but in the this-is-exactly-how-I-feel-about-you kind of way? There would be no more second-guessing of ourselves, no more anxious, worrying thoughts about how she or he reacted to this, or about why they did or didn't say that.  We would always be in the know.

Anyway, that's another point entirely, and perhaps another post.  Let's get back to the reason I brought up dogs in the first place.  We have greener-pasture syndrome.  We're always thinking the best is yet to come, and that we need x, y, or z to happen to us before we can be happy.  Dogs don't think like we do - they just enjoy life now.  No matter what a dog is doing, he's completely there and he's totally enjoying himself.  Dogs never wonder what people think of them, or what they need to get done later.  Dogs worry only about chasing those birds, what that bush smells like, or where they're going to pee.  Their only care is what they're experiencing right now.  They're always present, and consequently always happy.

I read a book once called "Zorba the Greek."  It was a really weird book that I'd hesitate to recommend, but there's a passage in the book that is pertinent to our topic of conversation. Zorba, the wise old Greek, is speaking to our worrisome protagonist:

"I've stopped thinking all the time of what happened yesterday.  And stopped asking myself what's going to happen tomorrow.  What's happening today, this minute, that's what I care about.  I say: 'What are you doing at this moment, Zorba?'  'I'm sleeping.'  'Well, sleep well.'  'What are you doing at this moment, Zorba?'  'I'm working.'  'Well, work well.'  'What are you doing at this moment, Zorba?'  'I'm kissing a woman.'  'Well, kiss her well, Zorba!  And forget the rest while you're doing it; there's nothing else on earth, only you and her!  Get on with it!'"

That's how a dog lives, and we should live that way too.  Are you at work right now?  Then be at work and don't worry about how much you're not enjoying yourself, and stop thinking about when you'll be off.  You're with that girl right now?  Well then be with her, and stop wishing you were with someone else.

No matter our present circumstances we make the conscious decision to enjoy where we are in life now, and to be happy now.  Success and everything else we want will follow.  If we find that we are unhappy, maybe we should consider asking ourselves, 'What would Otis do?'

 

When March Madness and General Conference Combine: Mormon Madness

About a week ago I enjoyed the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  To those who may not be familiar with what General Conference is, I will explain.  It is a semi-annual conference where all the leaders of the Mormon Church, to which I belong, speak and give counsel and guidance.  It's a great event, and one of the few times I can watch so much TV without feeling completely unproductive.  You can read, listen to, or watch any talk online.

As I watched I started to think of which discourse was my favorite, and in my mind I envisioned a giant tournament in which the talks were pitted against each other until finally one winner was left standing.  A la college basketball's March Madness.  I love March Madness.  And I love General Conference.  How could I go wrong?  So it was that the first semi-annual Mormon Madness bracket was created.

This took a really long time to make.  Longer than I thought it would.

How it Works

• General Conference is split up into five general sessions: Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon, Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon, and the Priesthood session.
• Each quarter of the bracket (heretofore referred to as regions) corresponds to one of those sessions, except the Priesthood session.  Thus we have the Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon, Sunday morning, and Sunday afternoon regions.  
• Each region consists of eight discourses.  Where one session did not have eight discourses to fill up the region, the empty spots were randomly populated with talks from the Priesthood session. In the bracket, the names of the speakers from those sessions are followed by a (PS), standing, of course, for Priesthood session.  Short, informational talks were not included (for example, President Monson's opening and closing remarks).  
• Seeding is determined in accordance with the seniority of the speaker: Prophet, First Presidency, Apostle, and then Other.  When two people of the same category are in the same bracket, the higher seed is he or she who has held the position for the longest time.  
• The winners were determined by me.  The criteria for determining the winner was simply which talk I liked more.  So it's totally biased.  If you disagree with one or all of my selections, so be it.  In the future (because I will now be doing this every six months at conference time), I may consider a different method of determining the winner.  But for now, what I say goes.
• The quote at the end of each region review below comes from the winning talk.

That being said, let's dive right in to determine the greatest talk from the October 2012 General Conference.  

Saturday Morning

In what was the strongest of the four regions, President Eyring's talk from Priesthood session advanced to the Final Four. Putting that talk over President Uchtdorf's Saturday morning address was the most difficult decision of the bracket, but I had to go with my gut.  I realize that there are many of you who may not have had a chance to listen to President Eyring's talk due to the fact that it was given during the Priesthood session.  If that is the case, I urge you to go and watch it.  I say watch and not read because I love how President Eyring wears his emotions on his sleeve when he speaks. It's much more powerful to listen and watch the talk as opposed to simply reading it.  Other notable occurences include Shayne M. Bowen's upset of Elder Nelson, the 3-seed.  I loved how personal Elder Bowen got when he talked about the child that he lost to premature death. Very emotional.  

"Every person is different and has a different contribution to make.  No one is destined to fail.  As you seek revelation to see gifts God sees in those you lead - particularly the young - you will be blessed to lift their sights to the service they can perform.  With your guidance, those you lead will be able to see, want, and believe they can achieve their full potential for service in God's kingdom."

Saturday Afternoon

The Saturday Afternoon region had one of two first round Apostle matchups, as Elder Ballard and Elder Andersen went head-to-head.  Elder Ballard gets the nod and the eventual trip to the Final Four with his talk about charity and service.  Elder Oaks also gave a great talk about children in this session.  If there was ever an Apostle who is stone-faced and who doesn't get emotional, it's Elder Oaks.  However, did anyone else catch him getting a little choked up when he related a story that Elder Holland had given at a recent CES fireside?  That was nice.  I like it when the speakers are more sensitive and expressive.  Although I loved Elder Oaks' talk, he had a very difficult first round matchup against Elder Robert C. Gay over whom he barely prevailed.  Elder Gay gave the best non-Apostle talk of the session.  

"How do we ingrain the love of Christ into our hearts?  There is one simple daily practice that can make a difference for every member of the Church ... That simple practice is this: In your morning prayer each new day, ask Heavenly Father to guide you to recognize an opportunity to serve one of His precious children.  Then go throughout the day with your heart full of faith and love, looking for someone to help."

Sunday Morning

The Sunday Morning region was another very tough region with yet another Apostle-Apostle first round meeting (Elder Holland vs. Elder Christofferson).  As a surprise to none, we see Elder Holland (or as I lovingly call him, the Bulldog) taking this region by storm.  His great talk about devotion and discipleship pushed him into the Final Four.  I could literally watch Elder Holland for all ten hours of conference and love every minute.  He's that good. That being said, his path to the Final Four was not an easy one. In the process he had to beat out the Prophet and also President Eyring's great address about adversity and the pavilions we unconsciously erect to keep God out of our lives.  Elder Holland stopped what might have been one of the craziest moments in the history of Mormon Madness, one in which President Eyring could potentially have gone up against himself in the championship round.  Although a matchup featuring two talks by the same speaker was avoided here, I'm praying it will happen in future tournaments.  The suspense and drama would be unbelievable.  

"'If ye love me, keep my commandments,' Jesus said.  So we have neighbors to bless, children to protect, the poor to lift up, and the truth to defend.  We have wrongs to make right, truths to share, and good to do.  In short, we have a life of devoted discipleship to give in demonstrating our love of the Lord. We can't quit and we can't go back.  After an encounter with the Son of the living God, nothing is ever again to be as it was before.  The Crucifixion, Atonement, and Resurrection of Jesus Christ mark the beginning of a Christ life, not the end of it."

Sunday Afternoon

While it's always difficult to have Elder Scott lose, Elder Bednar stole the fourth and final spot in the Final Four with his talk about conversion.  Also, in the biggest upset of the tournament, Elder Russell T. Osguthorpe took down the 1-seed President Uchtdorf. Sadly, this has less to do with the greatness of Elder Osguthorpe's talk and more to do with how sleepy I was during President Uchtdorf's Priesthood address, although Elder Osguthorpe did give a good discourse.  This is just one example of the many biases and problems with the method I am using to determinine who advances and who does not.  Nonetheless, it is what it is and Sunday afternoon belonged to Elder Bednar, he of the impeccable hair.

"The essence of the gospel of Jesus Christ entails a fundamental and permanent change in our very nature made possible through the Savior's Atonement.  True conversion brings a change in one's beliefs, heart, and life to accept and conform to the will of God and includes a conscious commitment to become a disciple of Christ ... Conversion requires all of our heart, all of our might, and all of our mind and strength."

The Final Four

In the first installment of Mormon Madness we have an all-Apostle Final Four (although President Eyring is in the First Presidency, he is still considered an Apostle).  Eyring-Ballard compete for Saturday, while Holland-Bednar compete for Sunday.  Here's how it all went down:

Elder Holland is the Kentucky of Mormon Madness.  You almost expect him to win each and every six months, and he in no way disappointed this October.  His talk was entitled The First Great Commandment, and in it he appealed to all of us to become better followers and disciples of Jesus Christ.  It is through devoted discipleship and obeying the commandments that we show the Savior our love.  Elder Holland recounted the experience of Jesus Christ and Peter, when Peter was asked three times by the Savior whether he loved Him. Each time Peter answered with an emphatic "yes". Elder Holland, hypothetically speaking as the Savior, then paraphrased what the Lord might have meant when, in response, he told Peter to "feed my sheep":

"Then Peter, why are you here?  Why are we back on this same shore, by these same nets, having this same conversation? Wasn't it obvious then and isn't it obvious now that if I want fish, I can get fish?  What I need, Peter, are disciples - and I need them forever.  I need someone to preach my gospel and defend my faith.  I need someone who loves me, truly, truly loves me, and loves what our Father in Heaven has commissioned me to do.  Ours is not a feeble message.  It is not a fleeting task.  It is not hapless; it is not hopeless; it is not to be consigned to the ash heap of history.  It is the work of Almighty God, and it is to change the world."

I read that and I wonder if I've shown my love for the Savior enough.  If Peter, the chief Apostle had miles to go and many more people to help, where am I?  If the Lord asked me if I loved him, could I respond with a confident "yes"?  Elder Holland taught that the crowning characteristic of love is always loyalty, and I need to look at how loyal I am, how devoted I am, and if I have been changed by the Atonement of Christ.  We should all ask ourselves these questions from time to time as we take inventory of our lives.  The call to discipleship that Elder Holland made in this last Conference reminded me of a different Elder Holland address which has now been turned into a Mormon Message on YouTube:

  

It would be good for all of us to figure out where we are, and how we can become more faithful to the Savior.  I love the plea from Elder Holland towards the end of that video, and with that I will leave you:

"May we declare ourselves to be more fully disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, not in word only and not only in the flush of comfortable times but in deed and courage and in faith, including when the path is lonely and when our cross is difficult to bear.  This week and always, may we stand by Jesus Christ 'at all times and in all things, and in all places that [we] may be in', even until death, for surely that is how he stood by us, when it was unto death and when he had to stand entirely and utterly alone."

A Toast to Utah: Farewell, Old Friend

Ten hours, three boxes of Altoids, two Mountain Dews and forty-seven Peachios later, I've arrived in California, leaving behind Utah indefinitely to begin full-time work.  The fact that I won't be going back hasn't sunk in yet, and it might not for a while.  It's sad to leave behind the place I've lived in for 20 of my 26 years of life, but it's also exciting to begin my career and to begin real life (I still call it real life even though I'm living at my parents' house).

When people asked me what I'd miss most about Utah besides friends and family, I couldn't really think of much.  In fact, the only answer I came up with was basketball.  You can always count on finding good ball in Provo.  This led me to the thought that Utah, like anywhere I might live, is only as good as the people I find there.  I won't miss Utah for its mountains, because I'll have the beach.  I won't miss Utah for its weather, because I hate the snow.  I won't miss Utah for its attractions, because I have the feeling that California offers a lot more.  I'll miss Utah because of all the people I care for who I am leaving behind. Unfortunately, you can't always take those you love with you wherever you go.

So although it's depressing to say goodbye, I feel like I made the most of this last summer with those people.  I went to Kanarraville, Utah to see a solar eclipse.  I went camping, went to a rodeo and to multiple carnivals.  I beat down two pinatas and I painted for the first time since Elementary school.  I started this blog, went wedding crashing and won the Bachelorette TV series  competition.  I went on trips to Boise, California, and Seattle.  I passed my CPA tests and I loved more than I ever had before.  It was a great summer.

Last Monday was my final night in Utah, and it was an emotional one.  I hadn't expected the goodbye to hurt so much and be so hard.  Yet there I was, crying like a little girl in the arms of someone I love. Besides the pain associated with leaving, I had some other thoughts during that night.  One thought had to do, of course, with vulnerability (what would one of my blog posts be without mentioning vulnerability?).  Leaving was so difficult because of how deeply I cared about the people I was leaving behind.  This summer I opened myself up and made myself more emotionally available than any other time in my life.  Because of that I felt like I was able to feel happiness greater than ever before, yet on the other hand, it made it hurt that much more when I had to say goodbye.  Brene Brown teaches that the risk of letting "ourselves become vulnerably seen", as she puts it, is that while we open ourselves up to experience real feelings of joy, we are also in danger of feeling real pain.  I experienced that, and it did hurt.  Yet in the process I realized that feeling is in no way a negative experience.  It only meant that I was alive.  It meant that I could feel.  It meant that I was capable of loving and being loved in return.  It meant that I had lived and given all of myself, and although it hurt in the end, I was better for it.  That's what being human is all about!  We're here on earth to build relationships and have real, deep connections with people, connections that only come about when we really invest all of ourselves.  That's one of the most, if not the most, important parts of the human experience, yet we're all so scared to do it because we're scared of "getting hurt", and because of that fear we hold back. We only invest a part of ourselves.  We risk no more than what is comfortable.  In the end, we might not feel as much pain.  But living that way will never bring us real happiness. The only path to true joy is the one marked by the risk of hurt.

If there was one who walked that kind of path and who epitomized vulnerability, it was Christ.  He literally gave all of Himself on our behalf without any guarantee of reciprocation. In fact, He even knew that many people for whom He would suffer would reject Him.  Yet He went through with it anyway.  He didn't stop to count the cost or ask who would love Him in return. Christ's Atonement was the most vulnerable act in all of human history.  I believe that one of the reasons Christ is able to love so purely and feel so deeply for us is precisely because of that vulnerability.  Investing so much of Himself in us exposes Him to great pain, like the kind we read about in Moses 7, where the Lord "looked upon the residue of the people, and He wept" because of their wickedness.  Yet, at the same time, that vulnerability also allows Him to feel great, indescribable joy - the kind which we read about in 3 Nephi 17, where, due to the faith of the people, the Savior weeps because his "joy [was] full."  If we are to be Christlike, we must learn to become as vulnerable as He did.  We must learn to give ourselves to others, to love like crazy without guarantees, and even to cry when we are let down.  We shouldn't run from those feelings and try to avoid them, for they are the very emotions to which we should aspire, and that are most reminiscent of Christ.

So as I say farewell to Utah, I do so with mixed feelings.  I am sad to leave behind people I care about, yet I am thankful that I feel for them so much I cry.  I feel grateful for the chances I've had to learn to love, and to receive love.  I'm thankful I was able to experience humanity.  I'm appreciative to all of the people who made Utah what it was to me.  It's really to them, and not to Utah, that I say goodbye.  So instead of "So long, Utah", what I'm really saying is, "Take luck Jim."  "God speed Bones."  "See you later Brian."  "Bye Em.  I miss you."  And it's those kinds of people to whom I'll raise my glass in farewell.

      

My Near Disaster with the CPAs

As many of you know, a large portion of my summer has been dedicated to taking the CPA exams.  Three down, one to go, and I can't wait to be done with them. However, getting the third test out of the way proved to be much more stressful and nerve-racking than it should have been.  Allow me to explain.

I scheduled my third test to be taken in California at the end of August.  I arrived in California late on Sunday, and my test was scheduled for Thursday.  I put in the hours of study I felt I needed the next three days, and when Wednesday night rolled around I took some time to get everything ready for my exam the next morning. During that process I remembered the strict identification requirements the CPA testing centers have.  They require either a) a current driver's license, or b) a current passport.  You might be thinking, "That's no problem.  You drove from Utah to California.  Surely you have a driver's license."  You would be right.  However, that license had been expired for more than a month, and who brings their passport when they visit home for a weekend?  So it was that Wednesday night I realized that I most likely would not be able to take my test.  

This is why that realization was so traumatic to me:

1) First, it’s important to understand how the CPA examination process works.  Every third month is an off-month, which means that no tests can be taken.  September happened to be an off-month, meaning that if I didn’t get my test taken in August, I’d have to wait until at least October.  However, my fourth test was scheduled for October, which meant that, realistically, I’d have to wait until November to take my missed test.  At that point I would have started work, and one of the worst scenarios I can imagine is doing accounting all day only to come home and study more accounting.  I wanted to avoid the work/study combination at all costs.  

2) I had spent the entire month of August studying for this specific exam.  Three hours a day, six days a week equals roughly 72 hours of studying – all of that would be thrown out the window.  The nature of the CPA exam is to study, learn, and then forget as quickly as possible.  There wouldn’t be a chance remembering anything I had learned two months down the road, especially when the subject is Auditing.

RIP Mom's vacuum and calculator I'd had for four years.

Thus I found myself in quite the conundrum.  I still had a last-minute solution I thought might save me.  My brother could photocopy my passport, send it to me and I could use that.  A call to the CPA examination center Thursday morning made it clear that wasn’t an option.  It was at this point that the expletives came out in full force and things were thrown and, in some cases, broken.

My mother then wondered if we could call my brother and fly him in from Utah with my passport. That was a very drastic measure, and I didn't want to reach that point until I tried my second brilliant solution, which was calling the DMV and seeing if I could renew my license in the three hours I had before my test.  I told my mom, who had the ticket pulled up and ready to be purchased, to wait until I finished talking to the DMV.  As you can guess, that wasn't an option either, because they ALSO need more identification that just an expired driver's license.  

The final solution was to buy my brother Brian a plane ticket and fly him out to California.  But Thursday was a day that just kept on giving: from the time my mother suggested buying a plane ticket to the time I got off the phone with the DMV (a period of about 15 minutes), the price of the round-trip plane ticket had jumped from around $300 to $500.  My 15 minute phone call cost me $200.

But at least it looked like I was going to be able to take my test.  Brian's flight was scheduled to land at 12:09.  My test was at 12:30.  Luckily, they give you a 30 minute window in which to arrive, so I had until 1:00.  The plane landed at 12:16, but of course there was traffic at the "arrivals" section of the airport.  Three lanes had conveniently been cut down to one.  When I finally got the pick-up zone, Brian informed me that he was actually upstairs at the "departures" section of the airport (where there was no traffic).  However, he ended up getting downstairs quickly, and I got my passport and headed off to take my test.  At 12:53 I walked into the testing center, seven minutes until my window would have closed.  I was able to take my test, so I guess all is well that ends well.

It was a crazy 24 hours that took another 24 to recover from, but there are lessons to be learned from this experience:

1. Don't ever let your driver's license expire.  
Trust me.

2. There are people who love you and care about you.
I was an absolute pain to deal with Wednesday night and Thursday morning.  But my mom stuck with me through it all, she laughed and rolled her eyes at how angry I was getting, and she helped me resolve my dilemma.  She did all that even when I broke her trusted vacuum.  She's a saint.  And then my brother, with absolutely no notice, dropped all he had on his schedule for two days to help me out when I needed it.  In both cases, what was important to me (taking my test) was important to them because they love me.  It's been said that a thousand words will not leave so deep an impression as one deed, and in this case their two deeds left a greater impression on me than thousands of words would have.  In tough times, there are always people, whether we believe it or not, who love us enough to help.  

3. Don't just endure - endure well. 
When the test had been taken and life continued on as it had, I looked back at the experience and asked why it couldn't have happened differently.  Why couldn't I have remembered my passport?  Why couldn't the plane ticket have stayed the same price?  Why did there have to be traffic at the airport?  It seemed that there was one hiccup after another, and it seemed like God was kind of piling it on.  The end result would have been the same with or without all the bumps in the road: I would have taken my test.  So why did I have to go through all the frustration and stress? I understood it was a life test (not a CPA one), and there were things I had to learn and experience I had to gain.  I then asked myself if I had passed the test (once again, not the CPA one) that had been placed before me.  The fact that I had made it to the testing center and had taken my CPA test was no indication of passing this other test.  What came to mind was something Henry B. Eyring said of the these kinds of difficulties we encounter:

"The test a loving God has set before us is not to see if we can endure difficulty.  It is to see if we can endure it well."

I had endured the difficulty.  Things had been thrown my way, but I took my test in the end.  But I don't think I endured the difficulty all that well.  I lost my temper, was quick to anger, and cursed more than I have in a while (and if you've known me for some time, you know it must have been a lot).  Hopefully I've learned enough so that the next time frustrations come I can be more patient and have more faith.

4. Everything works out.
In the moment of our disappointments and trials, we may think they are too great and even impossible to overcome.  But things have a way of working out.  I love this quote by the late Gordon B. Hinckley:

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is.  It all works out.  Don't worry.  I say that to myself every morning.  It will all work out.  Put your trust in God, and move forward in faith and confidence in the future.  The Lord will not forsake us.  He will never forsake us.  If we put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers."

Although it's easier said than done, we must come to believe that our adversity will be but a small moment, and that things get better.  When I think of the things I struggle with and the disappointments I experience, I sometimes recall a certain man in John 5, who "had an infirmity thirty and eight years."  Thirty eight years. Can you believe that?  We get upset if our internet is down for thirty eight minutes or if our commute is longer than thirty eight miles.  If there was ever a man who had reason to lose faith, it might have been that guy.  Yet he had enough faith that Christ could heal him.  I think of him and I realize that there will be things in my life that aren't solved as quickly as I'd like, and there may be things that I have to go through and deal with for a long time.  The important thing is that we never lose faith, no matter how bad it seems at the moment.  Dieter Uchtdorf taught this when he said:

"No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations ... And to all who suffer, to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely, I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in.  Never surrender.  Never allow your despair to overcome your spirit."

It's a beautiful doctrine that the Atonement of Jesus Christ will set everything right. All the seeming injustices that we experience will be made right.  We will understand the answers to all the times we questioned God and asked "Why?".  The Atonement will reconcile it all: from our sins to our disappointments to our griefs. It will be alright in the end.  Remember the words of Corrie Ten Boom: "No pit is so deep that He is not deeper still."

The scores of messages and quotes that could be posted about this subject are too many, so I will end my writing here.  But consider the following media/quotes as an appendix to this post, with some of my favorite related messages.

Good Things to Come: My favorite Mormon Message, by Jeffrey R. Holland

Joel Burns: It Gets Better - I recently came across this and was very moved by his speech.  Joel Burns is a homosexual politician in Texas, and he gave this speech directed toward lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender youth, encouraging them to hold on and that life gets better.  It was something he learned from his own experience.

Brad Paisley: Letter to Me - One of my favorite songs with a great message.

Some of my favorite quotes on the subject:

From Jeffrey R. Holland: "Some of you may wonder: Is there any future for me?  What does a new year or a new semester, a new major or a new romance, a new job or a new home hold for me?  Will I be safe? Will life be sound?  Can I trust in the Lord and in the future?  Or would it be better to go back, to stay in the past?  To all such of every generation, I call out, 'Remember Lot's wife.'  Faith is for the future. Faith builds upon the past but never longs to stay there.  Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the 'high priest of good things to come'.  Keep your eyes on your dream, however distant and far away.  Live to see the miracles of repentance and forgiveness, of trust and divine love that will transform your life today, tomorrow, and forever."

From David A. Bednar: "The Savior has suffered not just for our iniquities but also for the inequality, the unfairness, the pain, the anguish, and the emotional distresses that so frequently beset us. There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first.  You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, 'No one understands.  No one knows.'  No human being, perhaps, knows.  But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did.  And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life.  He can reach out, touch, succor - literally run to us - and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying only upon our own power."

From Thomas S. Monson: "I testify to you that our promised blessings are beyond measure. Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments.  There will be nothing in this world that can defeat us.  My beloved brothers and sisters, fear not.  Be of good cheer.  The future is as bright as your faith."