The Bachelor Episode 8 - Having Fun With The Circumstances

Imagine a television show exists in which overweight individuals become contestants who are put through rigorous workouts week after week with the goal of shedding their unwanted pounds.  We'll call it The Largest Failure, for lack of a better name.  Each week on The Largest Failure the contestants weigh in to determine who stays and who goes, and at the end of the season he or she who loses the most weight wins.  Now imagine that as the season progresses, no one is losing any weight.  In fact, the contestants are actually getting fatter.  In the end, the producers are forced to crown the guy who gained the least weight "winner", even though there was no real winner.  Finally, imagine that this show runs for over ten years, and each season it's the same story: no one loses weight.  Would you keep watching it?

Ladies and gentleman, that is exactly what we have with the Bachelor.  Just as The Largest Failure has a goal (help fat people lose weight), the the Bachelor has a goal (help desperate people find love).  Despite this noble purpose, the Bachelor has helped almost no one find love.  The show is not living up to the measure of its creation.  If we judge it by its ability to fulfill the purpose for which it was made, it is one of the worst shows ever created.  However, each Monday we, and millions of other love-deprived Americans, tune in, like dogs that return to their vomit.  But oh, is that vomit delicious, especially when it's hometown vomit.

Before I jump into each of the hometown visits, can I mention that the beast was tamed this episode?  Sean kept his tongue in check through four dates, which is a miracle considering his previous escapades.  You can always count on the Bachelor being on his best behavior during hometowns.  But really it's nothing more than the calm before the fantasy-suite storm.

AshLee

Yes, it's sweet that AshLee loves Sean and has given herself completely to him.  Just look at how she gazes so longingly into his eyes.  It's beautiful.

That being said, I have a couple of problems with this:

One, it's a stupid thing to do.  AshLee, being the 32 year-old cougar that she is, should be the wise one of the group.  But her behavior is far from wise.  Does she remember what television show she's on?  Need we remind her of the historical success rate?

Two, it's starting to get creepy.  She's laying it on too thickly, giving it up too easily.  The more she says "I love you" and the more sappy she gets with Sean, the more Sean should run away.

Listen to some of the stuff AshLee says, and tell me it doesn't freak you out:

"Before I met Sean, I thought I knew what love was.  I had NO idea what real true loves was ... I have never brought home somebody I'm madly, deeply in love with.  I really want to express to my parents that I actually know what love for another person outside my family is like.  It's so crazy." 

No, you're crazy.

"I've stepped out of my comfort zone and I trust this man and he told me to trust him that he is going to be the man to protect my heart."

Poor AshLee.  Of course he said that to you!  In reality, he'll do anything but protect your heart.  He's going to destroy it.  He'll reach deep down, uncover all your dark secrets, express his love to you in a fantasy-suite kind of way, and then rip your heart out of your chest.  Consider yourself warned.

This hometown was all about Bruce.  I'm all in on Bruce, probably because his name is Bruce.  I'd take this guy as my father-in-law any day.

Sean and AshLee had a great time telling AshLee's parents about all the adventures they'd been on, but AshLee maybe should have avoided this story:

"There was a lot of romance.  We had fun in the sand.  We rolled around in the sand.  That was really fun."

Needless to say, AshLee's parents didn't love hearing about them getting friendly down in the sand.  You asked, Bruce.

This date was all about how much AshLee loves Sean and about how much she's opened her heart and invested in him.  Both mom and dad vocalized concerns about AshLee getting her heart broken, and in each case Sean lied and reassured them it wouldn't happen.

At this point, AshLee is the only contestant that should end up with Sean.  But as we all know, what should happen never happens on the Bachelor, and that's one reason we love it.

Catherine

If AshLee's hometown was all about Bruce, this one was all about Lola, aka Graham Cracker.  Catherine better watch out, she's going to get him.

You know what I love about this picture?  The Bachelor fans in the back.  That's exactly what I would do if I saw them.  I wouldn't play it cool and ignore them.  I would have my phone out and I would follow them around until I got told off.

A quick note about Catherine: we should all be very confused why she's still here.  Sure, she's pretty cool, and she's a lot more fun than someone like AshLee (yawn), but she doesn't really belong in the show at this point. We've seen so little of their relationship.  So if AshLee is getting her heart broken and Catherine's a long shot, then Lindsay ... oh no.

One of Catherine's redeeming qualities is her obsession with Sean's beefiness.  Last episode, when asked what she liked about Sean, one of the first things out of her mouth was "his big, beefy arms."

Catherine's sister was the first of a couple of idiotic family members.  When Sean met with the sisters, this is a summary of what they told him about Catherine: she's non-committal, she's selfish, she's messy, and she has extreme mood swings.  Thanks for the glowing recommendation, sis.  When I go on the Bachelorette, I hope my brothers are a little more kind than that.  

This has become a normal sight for those of us who watch every week.  Catherine has a potty mouth. On that note, I don't think we've heard Sean swear once this season.  Even the single-mom-who-wanted-to-set-a-good-example-for-her-daughter (Emily) cussed every now and then.  

Halftime: The Shower

Before we move on to the final two hometowns, let's take a break and remember the glorious event that was the credits of the "Sean Tells All" episode on Tuesday.  

Was this one of the strangest, most awkward-while-trying-to-be-sexy moments in Bachelor history? ABSolutely!

Lindsay

Lindsay wears way too much makeup.  

But what does Sean care when he's getting a bunch of action?  If this all happened on her father's base on national television, imagine what's going to happen when they're miles away with no cameras in the fantasy suite.  Okay, that's enough imagining.  

Now we know where Lindsay gets it.  Although I say that, I would love a mother-in-law like this.  I would never marry a woman like this, but I'd take a mother-in-law.  It figures that the girl I like the least has the coolest family, and I haven't even mentioned Lindsay's little brother, who is now my favorite person in the world.  Go re-watch their visit to General Yenter's house and tell me you don't fall in love with him.  

The General's easiness was a bit of a letdown, but that's because I trusted the previews.  You can never trust the previews.  Whatever they make you want to believe, believe the opposite.  That being said, he didn't disappoint when he compared Sean and Lindsay getting engaged to parachuting into enemy territory.

Have I mentioned that Lindsay wears way too much makeup?  I have?  Okay then, why don't I mention that she wore one of the worst dresses I've ever seen.  Wait a minute, that dress looks familiar ... 

Woof.

Des

One day I would like someone (a girl, preferably) to be so excited to see me they do this run-jump-hug combo. That's not too much to ask for, is it?  

"This is Nick.  He's an actor."  Hey Nick, you need to look for a new job.  The moment this guy looked right into the camera was the moment we should have known the whole ex-boyfriend thing was a hoax.

I LOVED Des' parents.  They were so nice.  They were just happy to be with their daughter, and they were happy she was happy.  There was no judging her relationship with Sean, no grilling the temporary couple with intense questions, no being idiots.  Leave all that to their dickhead son.  

I've brought him up, so let's get this over with.  Yeah, he was an idiot, but I think Sean did a very poor job of handling the situation.  He was defensive right off the bat, which is exactly the reaction Des' brother (Nate Harstock, in case you were wondering) wanted.  I really have nothing else to say, other than her brother pretty much screwed up Des' chances.  In a normal world, Sean would be dating Des and only Des when he finally met Nate.  Under those circumstances he probably looks past the brother and sticks it out with Des.  However, when he has three other girls who are obsessed with him and are giving it up to him all the time (see Yenter, Lindsay), then any roadblock to a happy relationship becomes insurmountable.

In the end, all this means is that we have ourselves a new Bachelorette.  It's a good thing she didn't end up with Sean, because outside of Des, there were no other potential Bachelorettes.  A couple of weeks ago I might have said AshLee, but she's become crazy and is no longer fit to be the feature of a whole season.

The Rose Ceremony/Final Thoughts

Sean did what any good Bachelor would have done when facing a tough decision: he went back to the photographs.  This is the equivalent of my getting on Facebook and scouring through pictures of girls I'm interested in.  When there are multiple girls on my mind, Facebook always solves my problems.

Poor Sean really didn't want to let Des go.  When I watched this the first time through, I laughed at this scene.  I had to because there were people around.  When I watched this by myself, I didn't laugh.  

In the end, when you marry someone you marry their family as well.  Which one of these dysfunctional families would you have chosen?