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| Was anyone else confused by the monkey's photobomb? |
My Predictions
As you know, I made my predictions completely and totally in the dark with respect to this season. While watching the first episode, hopefully you didn't notice that those predictions were pretty terrible. Some bad ones:
- All my potential mothers? Not mothers.
- Ashley P. (heretofore referred to as Fifty Shades of Whore) was one of my dark horses. My last post said: "If you want to bet on an Ashley, bet on this one." This is why I don't gamble.
- Besides Kacie, these are the girls I chose to make it to hometown dates: Lindsay, Keriann and Amanda. For those keeping score at home that's a) the drunk in the wedding dress, b) a girl who's already off the show and c) a girl that had seventeen seconds of airtime. Chances are you don't remember Amanda at all. I do, because for reasons unbeknownst to me, I picked her as my runner-up.
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| What if they were both armless? Maybe next season. |
Don't worry, it only gets better from here. This was my worst prediction (or my best, depending on how you look at it). Please read what I wrote about Desiree last week:
"Desiree becomes a major dark horse if she actually doesn't have a left arm. [Her] picture looks like she's missing it. If that's the case, chalk her up for a top-five finish."Please tell me what the chances are of me making that statement only to find out that a different contestant is ACTUALLY MISSING AN ARM!?
Homoerotic Moment of the Show
Since all my predictions are terrible, why don't I make one more? Sean will give the final rose of the show to none other than ... Arie. Did anyone else think their one-on-one time together was a little too intimate? Sean had already spent the first twenty minutes of the show engaged in various activities with his shirt off (more below), so I was fully expecting it to come off at some point during this scene.
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| "Dude, nice v-neck." "You too, bro. Get in here." |
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| Yes, Arie. In this case, long hair does care. |
Classic Bachelor Moment
The great opening montages never change. If there was ever a Bachelor with whom you should maximize shirtless airtime, Sean is that guy, and the producers definitely took liberties here. The ladies were blessed with bare-chested vistas of Sean running, pumping the weights, looking pensive after pumping the weights, playing with the kids, and hiking a small rock. What else do you want your man to do?
Do they do this with the Bachelorette? Do they put her in a bikini and have her run across the beach and climb geographical obstacles? No, they don't, and I am just realizing this. Seems a bit unfair. The ladies haven't always had it this good though. What did the producers do last year with Ben? Maybe they kept the cameras rolling on his oily hair. There's not much else to look at.
Notable Quotes
The great opening montages never change. If there was ever a Bachelor with whom you should maximize shirtless airtime, Sean is that guy, and the producers definitely took liberties here. The ladies were blessed with bare-chested vistas of Sean running, pumping the weights, looking pensive after pumping the weights, playing with the kids, and hiking a small rock. What else do you want your man to do?
Do they do this with the Bachelorette? Do they put her in a bikini and have her run across the beach and climb geographical obstacles? No, they don't, and I am just realizing this. Seems a bit unfair. The ladies haven't always had it this good though. What did the producers do last year with Ben? Maybe they kept the cameras rolling on his oily hair. There's not much else to look at.
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| Not much of a competition here. |
"Do we need me to start dancing? ... I have no idea why I'm still single" -Fifty Shades of Whore, and could it be because of your dancing?
"That's not what you told me in the fantasy suite. You bastard!" -Arie, pretending to be a woman for Sean. He was surprisingly funny.
"Sean is hot. He is my dream man. If I could just dream a man up, it would be him." -Selma, making sure we understand what she means by "dream man."
"Typical engineers I work with are usually socially awkward, and a little boring ..." -Robyn, making fun of my dad. Take it back, Robyn. Take it back now!
"Isn't this exciting?" -AshLee, after getting a rose, to an audience of other girls who didn't have a rose. She received a less than enthusiastic response.
"When it comes down to it, I think we might have the same morals." -Lindsay, after getting very drunk and trying to rape Sean. She doesn't sound very sure.Notable Tweets
From some guy named Eric Ledgin (@iamledgin), and some lady named Dr. Jill Biden (@JillBidenVeep).
"I love the show 'Damaged Women, Boring Man.' I guess technically it's called The Bachelor."
"'I'd give my right arm to get a rose ...' Things you can't say on The Bachelor."
The Power Rankings
Now it is time to rate the women, from 1 - 19. Honestly, I'm not sure what the rankings are based off. It's part personal preference, part how well they did last episode, and part how well I think they'll do in the future. But mostly my personal preference, because that's most important. Without further adieu ...
1. Desiree. My apologies to Desiree for thinking she was an amputee. I'm trying to make it up to her by putting her atop my power rankings. I liked everything about her - I like her job, I liked her penny-throwing/fountain-wishing introduction, I like how she's not an amputee (I'll never call you that again, baby, I promise), and I liked her conversation with Sean. The only thing I'm worried about is her puny-a boyfriend that shows up in a future episode.
2. Kacie. The only reason she's number two and not number one is that awful dress she was wearing. Everyone else looked pretty elegant, and she looked like a hooker. I think that was worse than the entire collection of backless dresses that Ashley was so fond of wearing when she was the Bachelorette.
3. Sarah. I, like everyone else, really liked Sarah. She was a nice contrast from some of the other girls, like Lindsay and Fifty Shades of Whore. She was well-spoken, sincere and very vulnerable. I really felt for her when I was watching the show. To be blunt, it would be really hard having only one arm. Sure it would make day-to-day functions more difficult, but you could sense in the way Sarah talked that it affects her confidence and self-esteem, and that's sad. I'm not ashamed to jump on the Sarah bandwagon. I hope she does well.
4. Taryn. My notes (yes, I take notes) from Taryn's first impression: "Normal." This season that might be all it takes to crack the top-five. For some reason I have a good feeling about Taryn. I think she'll be around for a while. But I also said that about Keriann.
5. Robyn. Despite her insult to my father (who teaches engineering), I was quite taken with Robyn. This is surprising, because I like my women like I like my sour cream: white. Maybe it was her failed back handspring. That was amazing.
6. AshLee. I don't like how she spells her name, but I'll let it slide because she has the best job of all the single ladies - professional organizer. I think I have a new dream job.
7. Diana. Not much to say about Diana other than I'm pretty sure she's the token a) Mormon and b) single parent. I wouldn't have chosen her to be the parent out of this group in a million years. She didn't totally screw up, even though her introduction needed major polishing.
8. Jackie. My "Leftovers" both made my top ten (Lesley at #10)! How many potential introductions did she go over with her friends until they settled on the give-Sean-a-kiss-with-red-lipstick approach? And how did they end up deciding that was the best one? I'd be interested to see what options didn't make it.
9. Katie. Unfortunately, her picture is better than reality. And keep the yoga to the yoga studio next time.
10. Lesley. I've heard a lot of people like her. Meh. We've seen the football trick a million times, sister. When it was over and she gave the ball to Sean, I was really hoping he would punt it as hard as he could, Blake Griffin style.
11. Catherine. I've also heard a lot of people say they like her. Meh. I'm not impressed when someone uses the word "hunk" to describe someone, if even that person is Sean. You suck, Catherine.
12. Amanda. I don't want to talk about my "runner-up".
13. Tierra. This season's villain! It's too bad the previews of this season turned me against her immediately. I thought she was okay before that. Well, at least up until she started to take offense when the others said her rose technically wasn't the first impression rose. That was a thrilling argument, wasn't it?
14. Lindsay. You knew the producers were going to force Sean to keep either Lindsay or Fifty Shades of Whore for entertainment's sake. Even though she is the producer's pick, I have good feelings about her. I think she'll rise through the ranks quickly and be around for a while.
15. Leslie. Not much to say about Leslie other than I was expecting it to say "WNBA Player" and not "Poker Dealer" as her occupation. She also exclaimed "Holy Toledo!" at one point. When was the last time someone under the age of 80 used a phrase like that?
16. Selma. My notes from Selma's introduction: "BOOOO!!!!"
17. Brooke. I'm pretty sure she purred at Sean when they hugged. No thank you.
18. Daniella. She was the one that tried the extended handshake that athletes do. If you want to know what I wrote about that, see #16.
19. Kristy. Behind Tierra, Kristy has the most villain potential. I hope they form an alliance.
New Predictions
Instead of trying to make predictions for the entire season, I'll stick to weekly predictions. If I'm not mistaken, we'll lose three girls this week, bringing us down to sixteen. My picks are Daniella, Brooke, and Amanda.
Fantasy Bachelor Draft is being held tomorrow at 3 pm Pacific Time. Looking forward to defending the title. Until next week!
Now it is time to rate the women, from 1 - 19. Honestly, I'm not sure what the rankings are based off. It's part personal preference, part how well they did last episode, and part how well I think they'll do in the future. But mostly my personal preference, because that's most important. Without further adieu ...
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| That's ugly. |
2. Kacie. The only reason she's number two and not number one is that awful dress she was wearing. Everyone else looked pretty elegant, and she looked like a hooker. I think that was worse than the entire collection of backless dresses that Ashley was so fond of wearing when she was the Bachelorette.
3. Sarah. I, like everyone else, really liked Sarah. She was a nice contrast from some of the other girls, like Lindsay and Fifty Shades of Whore. She was well-spoken, sincere and very vulnerable. I really felt for her when I was watching the show. To be blunt, it would be really hard having only one arm. Sure it would make day-to-day functions more difficult, but you could sense in the way Sarah talked that it affects her confidence and self-esteem, and that's sad. I'm not ashamed to jump on the Sarah bandwagon. I hope she does well.
4. Taryn. My notes (yes, I take notes) from Taryn's first impression: "Normal." This season that might be all it takes to crack the top-five. For some reason I have a good feeling about Taryn. I think she'll be around for a while. But I also said that about Keriann.
5. Robyn. Despite her insult to my father (who teaches engineering), I was quite taken with Robyn. This is surprising, because I like my women like I like my sour cream: white. Maybe it was her failed back handspring. That was amazing.
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| Robyn takes a tumble. |
7. Diana. Not much to say about Diana other than I'm pretty sure she's the token a) Mormon and b) single parent. I wouldn't have chosen her to be the parent out of this group in a million years. She didn't totally screw up, even though her introduction needed major polishing.
8. Jackie. My "Leftovers" both made my top ten (Lesley at #10)! How many potential introductions did she go over with her friends until they settled on the give-Sean-a-kiss-with-red-lipstick approach? And how did they end up deciding that was the best one? I'd be interested to see what options didn't make it.
9. Katie. Unfortunately, her picture is better than reality. And keep the yoga to the yoga studio next time.
10. Lesley. I've heard a lot of people like her. Meh. We've seen the football trick a million times, sister. When it was over and she gave the ball to Sean, I was really hoping he would punt it as hard as he could, Blake Griffin style.
11. Catherine. I've also heard a lot of people say they like her. Meh. I'm not impressed when someone uses the word "hunk" to describe someone, if even that person is Sean. You suck, Catherine.
12. Amanda. I don't want to talk about my "runner-up".
13. Tierra. This season's villain! It's too bad the previews of this season turned me against her immediately. I thought she was okay before that. Well, at least up until she started to take offense when the others said her rose technically wasn't the first impression rose. That was a thrilling argument, wasn't it?
14. Lindsay. You knew the producers were going to force Sean to keep either Lindsay or Fifty Shades of Whore for entertainment's sake. Even though she is the producer's pick, I have good feelings about her. I think she'll rise through the ranks quickly and be around for a while.
15. Leslie. Not much to say about Leslie other than I was expecting it to say "WNBA Player" and not "Poker Dealer" as her occupation. She also exclaimed "Holy Toledo!" at one point. When was the last time someone under the age of 80 used a phrase like that?
16. Selma. My notes from Selma's introduction: "BOOOO!!!!"
17. Brooke. I'm pretty sure she purred at Sean when they hugged. No thank you.
18. Daniella. She was the one that tried the extended handshake that athletes do. If you want to know what I wrote about that, see #16.
19. Kristy. Behind Tierra, Kristy has the most villain potential. I hope they form an alliance.
New Predictions
Instead of trying to make predictions for the entire season, I'll stick to weekly predictions. If I'm not mistaken, we'll lose three girls this week, bringing us down to sixteen. My picks are Daniella, Brooke, and Amanda.
Fantasy Bachelor Draft is being held tomorrow at 3 pm Pacific Time. Looking forward to defending the title. Until next week!
I so want to be in on this again. My pick won last time!
ReplyDeleteYes he did, and I doubted you last time. Who do you have for this year?
DeleteSo glad we are still facebook friends from that one time we went to church together so I could find this gem on my newsfeed immediately after watching The Bachelor. Alone. Left with no one to talk to about it. I can't wait to see how your predictions for the coming week pan out.
ReplyDeleteHahaha ... Hopefully you find people with whom you can talk about the Bachelor, because that's half the fun. If the past is any indicator, then none of my predictions will come true. Monday can't come soon enough!
DeleteExcellently done.
ReplyDeleteYou are too kind.
DeleteI can't wait to hear what you think about Amanda after episode 2...
ReplyDelete