The Bachelor Marathon: Episode 5, Montana

They say that too much of anything is a bad thing, and I would tend to agree, unless we're talking about the Bachelor.  I'd watch an episode every night if I could.  Why can't the show start with 100 women and have them eliminated one by one?  To finish the season on time, they'd have to play it every day!  Unfortunately, we don't always get what we want, but hey, four hours is better than two.

How can I cover all the great material we witnessed in just one post?  To do so would be a great disservice to Sean and his now six girlfriends.  So you get two posts.  This first post will cover the events that transpired in Montana, the first destination of what Chris called the "worldwide journey to find love with Sean."

Speaking of Montana, this was the ladies' reaction upon hearing they'd be leaving sunny, beautiful Southern California for one of the least populated states in the country.  Has anyone ever been this shocked, excited, and happy when they found out they'd be going to Montana?  No, they haven't.  One of the things that makes me the most angry when watching this show has to be the reactions the women have to things and events that don't deserve those kinds of reactions.  

Lindsay can't believe she gets a tour of Glacier National Park!  A place she just found out existed.  Yet, she gasped and squealed with delight.  Before this date, Sean said, "Today, I want to find out if [Lindsay] could potentially be my wife." That's so crazy.  That's exactly what I say before every first date I go on, too.  Ladies, beware.  

You want to know why Lindsay is still here, even after her wedding dress debacle?  The answer is simple, and is captured above.  She gives it up to Sean all the time.  In Monday's episode she exclaimed, "We get along so well!"  Well, it's because all you guys do is make out.  She is this season's Arie, and Sean is not complaining. This leads me to a very important point the ladies on the Bachelor should always remember:

To stay put, you have to put out.

I know some of you might not like to hear that, but we're talking about the Bachelor, and that's a Bachelor commandment, written in stone and on the fleshy tablets of Sean's pecs.  Selma, stop worrying about shaming your family.  Put out and you'll stay put.  It's as simple as that.  I would argue that putting out early and often will secure you a spot in the top eight without question.  It's not going to win you the show, but it will definitely keep you around longer than you deserve to be around.

Yes, it was another Competition Date, although this one was much less dramatic than the volleyball one. There wasn't enough tension, and there wasn't enough crying.  I will mention that a) someone asked Sarah if she'd rather canoe (wrong question to ask someone with one arm), and b) I was disappointed in Robyn's athletic ability.  I expected more out of her, but she turned out to be a worthless first mate in that canoe.  If Sarah had known how bad she'd be at the canoe, yes, she would rather have canoed.

Poor Des.  It was all for naught.

As Tierra covertly made her way to the group date to which she wasn't invited, did anyone else notice the shirt she was wearing?  I'm pretty sure I saw the blue team wearing those ... Not only is she [insert any bad quality you can imagine], she's also a thief!

Just in case you forgot.

Moving on, what does the word "Klingon" sound like?  Yes, it sounds like "Cling-on."  She's a parasite. She'll latch onto you and she won't let you go.  Didn't invite her on a date?  Doesn't matter.  She'll find a way to surprise you.  About to go make out with Lindsay in the hot tub?  Not a problem.  She'll be waiting right outside the door before you even have the chance.  

Alright, back to the women who were actually invited on the date.  This is how Daniella's night got started.  Like every night, she couldn't seem to find time alone with Sean.  On that note, if I were on a group date and I wanted time with Sean, I would employ a "walking strategy."  Instead of finding the closest couch, keep on walking until you're somewhere secret, somewhere safe.  No one will steal your lover away while you're on the move.  That piece of advice is being added to my personal When-I-Go-On-The-Bachelorette file, along with PUT OUT & STAY PUT.  

No matter how bad your night starts, putting out can always make it better.  And I'm sure there's nothing the ladies like more than Sean's tongue shoved down their mouths (much more on Sean's tongue next post).  You want to stay put, you put out.  It took Daniella some time to figure it out, but it got her a rose and bought her a little more time.  Do yourself a favor and enlarge that picture.  This is classic Sean-tongue action.  

Moving on.  Tierra was so thrilled when she found out she was going to be going on the two-on-one date.  Man, that smile really brings out the dent in her forehead.  

The next day, she changed her mind completely and decided she was ticked off.  In her own words:

"It sucks that the losers get to spend more time with Sean, and I'm stuck on the two-on-one ... It's a huge slap in the face.  No one wants to go on a two-on-one date."

This moment really chapped my a--, and it's a great example of how full of crap Tierra is.  One second, she's filled with excitement because she only has to share Sean with one woman as opposed to a whole group.  The next, she's pissed off about it.  What a manipulating wench!  Looking at that picture and thinking about her is making me vomit.  I have to move on.

But I can't.  As much as I hate Tierra, she provides us with endless amounts of entertainment.  I have to keep watching.  It's like watching the Lakers.  I hate them, but they're such a polarizing group that I always stop and watch when they're on TV.  And watching Kobe do his overbite celebration face is about as awkward as Tierra and Jackie sharing this limo ride.  

No one was surprised when Tierra won the rose.  Her post-rose celebration was eerily familiar to one I remember watching just last year ...

This is one of my favorite auto-tunes of all time.  

She's evil.  

This is what happens when Tierra works her magic on people.  The Robyn on the right is the Robyn from the first couple of episodes.  She's smart, funny, happy, and confident.  The Robyn on the left is the Robyn from Monday's rose ceremony.  We see a dramatic decline in all of the positive qualities listed above.  It's amazing how much of an effect Tierra is having on all the women.  Whenever one goes home, all they do is talk about her.  Whenever the ladies are gathered together at a rose ceremony, all they do is talk about her.  But, of all the women, Robyn let Tierra affect her the most, and because of that was sent home.  Oh, plus she didn't put out enough.  

Yes, Monday's episode was a frustrating one.  Where in the world do the producers find these villains?  Every season they seem to have one woman who is completely off her rocker, and of them all, I think Tierra is the craziest.  But beyond Tierra, what might have been the most frustrating thing about Monday was Sean's insistence that the women speak honestly to him about concerns they might have about other women, only to have him send home anyone who dared speak out against another (see Kacie & Jackie).  Very hypocritical of you, Sean.  No wonder they skirt around your questions and are vague in their answers.  

Because I hate to finish posts on a negative note, I will finish by bringing up the most constant theme of Monday's episode (besides Tierra): taxidermy.  After every single commercial break, we were treated to shots like these:

I don't know what it was about Montana, but the producers couldn't get enough taxidermy.  I was able to get seven shots, and I know I missed a couple more.  Now, after seeing all those pictures you might feel like you need some taxidermy in your own home.  If so, I would contact this guy:

I'll leave you with that.  The next post, with Power Ranking and Predictions, will be out on Saturday.