All I Do is Swin: The Bachelor Episode 4: Retro Photo Diary

As I scoured the internet for quality Bachelor photographs like I do after every episode, I realized after about half an hour that I had quite a collection. So following in the steps of my favorite writer, the great Bill Simmons, I'll take you through a retro photo diary of The Bachelor, Episode 4.

I can't think of a better way to start an episode than to get a nice shot of Daniella without any makeup on.

Tierra. Woof.

Wait, yes I can. Grumpy ol' Tierra with no makeup! Speaking of Tierra, can someone please explain to me what is going on with her forehead? She has the strangest dent/dimple/scar that comes out every now and then. See below.

I was told it was a scar from the chicken pox? Could be, but I'm going to stick to my story that she's an alien. The little dent makes her kind of look like a klingon from Star Trek.

Yeah, she's not that far off.

The streak continues. Four episodes, four shots of Sean half-naked, albeit in a different setting this time. The producers must have figured out we caught on to Sean's little blue shorts, so they got rid of them. Then they decided not to replace the shorts, leaving us with a lovely shot of Sean in his skimpies. There he was, walking past the camera bare-chested, as we're so accustomed to seeing, and then boom! He's got no pants on. Kind of caught me by surprise. Let's take a moment and remember that this is the same guy who, as a contestant on the Bachelorette, was so hesitant to take his shirt off for Emily's friends. If I remember correctly, he said something about not wanting to be the guy that takes his shirt off on national television, blah blah blah. I guess he's changed his views a bit. But hey, I'm not complaining! I mean, yes I am. Umm...

Yeah, 110 lbs in your bra.

"I always liked her from the beginning." This from my mom as we watched on Monday (she's hooked now). I, on the other hand, have not liked Selma from the beginning, but surprisingly, I really liked her on this date. She moves up in my book. You know how the Bachelor takes the ladies on these crazy dates, and then afterwards says how much he likes that they're "up for anything?" Here's the thing: anybody can do anything once for the Bachelor on national television. If Sean ended up with Selma, I can guarantee you they're never hiking again. And in case you were wondering (I was), Selma is 5"2.

This is Lesley's face as Sean picked up Selma and took her away. To say the least, she didn't look very pleased. Although she wasn't too happy, can we we take a moment to admire how good Lesley looks right here? Thanks.

Did anyone else think Selma had some really awkward sitting/laying/sprawling positions like this one? Take it easy and sit normal, woman. Plenty of time to get close later on, unless your family forbids it, of course. Speaking of that, I think a Selma hometown date would be one of the most awkward moments of the season, which is why I am rooting for it with all of my heart. Pasty white American Sean meets first generation Iraqi family. The producers would be robbing us of something great if Selma left.

"You no kiss Sean!"

This picture reminds me of my dog. Sometimes he'll get into my bed late at night and try to squeeze under the covers, but I never let him, regardless of how many times he tries to get his nose in there. Poor Sean really wanted a kiss. You can tell just looking at the poor sap. This was a very risky move by Selma, and my guess is that it lasts another episode until she finally succumbs. They always do.

This is what we should have been treated to during the roller derby date. Sadly, we were treated to this instead:

Lame!

Yeah, this might not have been the best date for Sarah, but at least Sean didn't invite her to the volleyball game.

At least we got to see Amanda eat it. That was one positive from the date. Props to Sean for not giving her a pity rose.

This date really picked up during the night cap. Tierra's manipulating ways were on full display. She's always coming up with a new scheme. This episode she employed the seek-Bachelor-out-and-threaten-to-go-home technique, which was used less than a year ago by the eventual winner Courtney. For Sean's sake, can we entertain the possibility that Tierra isn't as bad as she seems? Michelle Money was portrayed very poorly in Brad's season, but she turned out to be awesome, albeit still a little crazy. As much as I'd like to give Tierra the benefit of the doubt, I don't think that's the case here. Sean really is that stupid.

Once Sean lost his mind and decided to go get Tierra the rose, these were her facial expressions. Notice how they change from the top left, to the top right, and finally to the bottom. She knew she won. These pictures are proof (as if we needed any) that this was all an act.

Lindsay makes this lovely face after Sean picks up the rose for Tierra. I've never been more attracted to her.

I want to say this date started out with promise, but Sean didn't even look that happy putting the necklace on, at least when compared to Leslie's huge smile (is it any wonder that she played the role of Julia Roberts, another wide-mouthed woman, on this date?).

"This whole date has been set up to enhance the romance. Today's date is the most romantic date I could possibly dream up and tonight at dinner I'm hoping something will click. If I was ever going to have that romantic feeling about Leslie, tonight would be the night."

Sean said that right before dinner, and that's when I grew suspicious that he was sending Leslie home. My suspicions were confirmed when there was NO music during the dinner. How we feel while watching the Bachelor is dictated by the music being played, and no music is never a good sign.

Up to this point in the show we hadn't had an elimination from a one-on-one date, so I should have seem this coming. On most every season of the Bachelor, there's a girl with whom "the connection just isn't there", and it frustrates the Bachelor so much because she's such a "phenomenal girl." More often than not, the discovery of "no connection" is found out during a one-on-one date. Sean claimed that he "wanted that romantic connection to click", but I know better. He was relieved to have the WNBA player, er, I mean poker dealer gone.

Sean, pretending to care about sending Leslie home. He's as good an actor as Tierra is. She should teach him how to cry. He can always do it Bill Murray style: "My dog is dead ... "

The producers really tried hard to make this scene dramatic, but I'm sorry, I just don't buy Sean's claim that he began to doubt himself after sending Leslie home. It was Leslie, people!! They should have saved the falling rose dramatics for a more worthy girl.

The rose ceremony was underwhelming. I was really hoping he'd send two girls home (namely, Amanda and Daniella), but instead he dragged out Daniella's "incredible journey" for another week.

She's not impressed.

I did get half my wish though, as Sean finally sent home Amanda who (and I'm noticing this for the first time) lives in my neck of the woods. Two summers ago at the U.S. Surfing Open, I saw Ryan from Ashley's season. Yes, we screamed his name, and yes, we tried to chase him down, but he proved very elusive. My new goal is to find Amanda. That's it, I'm looking up her twitter right now ... Didn't find it. But I did find her Linkedin page (I didn't know models had or needed Linkedin profiles), and I found out she had a history of drunken arrests before appearing on the Bachelor. That doesn't surprise me for some reason.

Power Rankings

1. Desiree ( - ).

2. Lesley ( - ).

3. AshLee ( - ).

4. Lindsay ( +1 ).

5. Sarah ( -1 ).

6. Selma ( +2 ).

7. Catherine ( +1 ).

8. Robyn ( -2 ).

9. Jackie ( -2 ).

10. Daniella ( - ).

11. Tierra ( - ).

Predictions

Last Week: 0-2
Season: 1-7

The next three to leave:
1) Daniella, 2) Jackie, 3) Tierra.

I don't know how I feel about 4 hours of The Bachelor over the course of two days. I mean, I love this show more than anyone, but can I really stomach four hours? I absorb so much of this show I get confused when every woman I meet doesn't automatically start swooning over me. Is that a problem? Nah.

Next week we'll be treated to another competition date.