My Bachelor Preview

While my friends are out there having babies (congratulations to Steve and Rachel Moulton) and otherwise progressing in life, I am spending my time writing about the Bachelor, which we will all be blessed with tomorrow night.  Last summer I rooted for Sean all season until I decided I didn't like Emily and that I'd rather have Sean as the next Bachelor.  My dreams have come true and my blog will once again have meaning and purpose.  This show is the fuel that drives my writing for half the year.  

The powerful team "Shut Up & Drive"

Together with the Bachelor comes the second bi-annual Fantasy Bachelor Competition.  I will take this opportunity to remind everyone that I am the reigning champion of the first Fantasy Bachelor Competition after drafting the top three contestants from last season (see image to the right).  This time I will be taking the competition to the workplace, where I will look to defend my title against the wiles and cunning tactics of other accountants.  I expect that my next post will showcase this year's teams.

Before I launch into my preview, I feel it important to mention that I don't read Reality Steve or any spoilers.  I like it that way so I can continue to have reactions like this one.  So please, if you're someone who likes to know the end from the beginning when it comes to reality TV, don't tell me anything.  I don't want the next three months of my life ruined (that's how important this show is to me).  All I know about this show is that we have seen two of the contestants before (Paige and Kacie B. - see more below).  Other than that, I am going into it totally blind.  So as you read on and as I try to predict the fate of these desperate women, know that I am doing so based solely on their ABC.com profile pictures and what my gut is telling me.

That being said, let's do this.  There are 26 contestants.  Upon looking them over, I have placed them into ten groups that will explain what I predict we will see this year.  The name of each group's winner will be underlined in bold in the caption of the pictures.

The Mothers

AshLee, Sarah, Kelly

The Bachelor's recent trend is bringing single-parent contestants on the show.  From Michelle Money to Emily to Dougie-Wougie and Tony from last season, I imagine that every show from this point on will have one or more single parents.  Hopefully their children won't be old enough to watch or understand the show.  I don't see much of a future for any of these potential mothers.  There are no real contenders here.  The one with the best chance will be AshLee, but even she will go home relatively early.

The Twins

Lacey, Daniella

I don't know how Sean is going to tell these two apart.  They look exactly the same!  Which brings me to  my first shocking prediction of this season: they are the same person.  To increase her odds of winning, "Laciella", as I will call her, created an alter-ego and sent in two different aliases.  She'll constantly be changing clothes and hair to look like two different people, pulling a Robin Williams from "Mrs. Doubtfire" all season long.  Every rose ceremony one of them will be coincidentally sick.  

Sean will end up liking Daniella a lot more than Lacey, but will confuse the two during a rose ceremony and accidentally give a rose to Lacey and send Daniella home (who will happen to be sick during the ceremony). "Laciella" will happily accept the rose as Lacey.  Sean will become so angry for sending home Daniella that he won't talk to Lacey for the next week, even though they'll go on a one-on-one date.  She'll then get sent home.  Later in the show, "Laciella" will come back as the rejected Daniella and try for one more shot at Sean's heart without success.  By far, "Laciella" will provide the most drama on this year's show, and is a shoe-in for the next season of Bachelor Pad.  

Destiny's Child

Clockwise from the top-left: Ashley H., Brooke, Robyn, Leslie

This season we have more African-Americans than any season I can remember.  Unfortunately, they'll be wasted on pasty-white Sean from Texas.  And yes, I know Destiny's Child had only three members.  I could have been more accurate and called them En-Vogue, but no.  To my dismay, I don't see Sean breaking the color barrier this year.  I believe Brook will be the lead say that the lead of Destiny's Child, but will only make it to the top seven or eight.   Two will go home on the first night and the other soon thereafter.    

The Superfan

Paige

Apparently Paige was on the last season of Bachelor Pad.  Not because she had been a previous contestant on any season of the Bachelor, but because she was a "superfan".  Rule 7A of predicting Fantasy Bachelor is "never put your money on a former Bachelor Pad contestant, especially if they were a superfan".  Carrying over what she learned from Bachelor Pad, she will be this season's Michelle Money/Courtney - the girl that all the other girls hate/warn Sean about.  Although she should leave much earlier, the producers love the drama and keep her around way too long.

The Eponines

Clockwise from top-left: Diana, Katie, Tierra, Taryn

I name them the Eponines because I liken them to the character from Les Miserables.  Most people who see the movie/musical prefer to reside in Camp Eponine as opposed to Camp Cozette, wishing that Marius would have chosen the street urchin over the sheltered maid.  Likewise, these women will be great fits for Sean, but we'll watch Sean make poor decision after poor decision until they're all gone.  Think Chantal, the runner-up from Brad's season. She was a much better fit for Brad than Emily, and everyone knew it.  But Brad was an idiot.  I really hope Sean keeps at least Katie around for a while, because I can get used to that curly hair, and I'm generally not even a fan of curly hair.  Consider her one of my pre-show favorites.  Unfortunately, I don't consider her sticking around for more than four episodes.  As for the other, Diana looks too much like Hannah Montana, and Taryn looks too much like Carrie Underwood.  So I'll say Tierra is the last woman standing here.    

The "Gias"

Catherine, Selma, Laruen, Kristy

Named after Gia from Brad's season who was really, really boring, but also really, really good-looking.  These women will stay in for longer than they should, despite having no substance whatsoever.  Selma not only has the same name (with an "e" instead of an "a") as Salma Hayek, but she looks just like her as well.  The poor thing probably gets that all the time.  I will bet anyone $1.43 that will come up at some point during the show.  And does anyone else think Lauren looks like a teenager?  For some reason I'm getting really, really bad vibes from Kristy, so put her down as second most likely to be the girl all the other girls hate.  Catherine takes the cake here.    

The Leftovers

Lesley, Jackie

After I separated the women into categories (three more categories below), I was left with these two and I didn't know where to put them.  Consider them first- or second-episode goners whose names you will never hear again. But since they have their own group, I'm forced to choose one.  Jackie.  Hopefully she'll surprise me.  

The Dark Horses

Ashley P., Desiree

Here are my two dark horses for this season - the girls who come out of the woodworks and end up making it much farther than anyone thought.  Desiree becomes a major dark horse if she actually doesn't have a left arm.  The picture looks like she's missing it.  If that's the case, chalk her up for a top-five finish.  Ashley P. looks a too much like Lindsay (see below), but I figured that with three Ashleys, one of them would have to be somewhat relevant.  If you want to bet on an Ashley, bet on this one.  But if you're pitting an Ashley against Desiree?  Pick Desiree.  

The Hometowns

Lindsay, Keriann, Amanda

Now we're getting to the girls I think will have the opportunity of presenting Sean to their families for approval. Anytime you can introduce someone to your parents who is dating three other members of the opposite sex and who you've only known for a month, you've got to do it.  Before I make my selection from this group, I should predict whose family will be craziest (think Ben's sister), most awesome (think Constantine's family - remember when his dad made it rain?  If not, Google "Constantine Bachelor hometown 'make it rain'"), and most boring (think every other family we meet on this show) .  Craziest - Lindsay.  Awesome - Amanda.  Boring - Keriann.  Since Sean is all about family, he'll go with the coolest family.  Amanda is your runner-up folks.  

The Champ

Kacie B.

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you my prediction for the winner of this year's Bachelor!  Yes, Kacie B. from Ben's season.  I'm not even 100% sure she'll actually be on the show, but I've heard as much and will take the liberty of assuming so.  In my time watching the Bachelor, a returning contestant has never won, or even contested. Remember that awkward episode when Shawntel (from Brad's season; the one who worked at the morgue) came back?  That was painful.  But not as painful as her family's commercial.  Anyway, let me explain to you the reason I believe Kacie and Sean make sense.  

Do you remember why she got kicked off Ben's season?  They went on a hometown date and met Kacie's family.  It turned out that Kacie's family was very religious and her father was very much against Ben and Kacie living together, despite Kacie's protestations.  Since we all know that Ben turned out to be a sex-crazed pervert, this turned him off completely and he ended up sending her home that episode, despite being the front runner most of the season. Bring in Sean.  Sean consistently talked about the importance of faith and family, and it seemed he came from a very religious background, like Kacie.  While his family wasn't nearly as strange as Kacie's, it appeared they held the same moral standards.  Sean won't be freaked out by Kacie's family, and they won't be freaked out by Sean. It's a match made in heaven.  

So there you have it.  Tomorrow can't come fast enough.