Sunday, March 10, 2013

The Bachelor - Catherine or Lindsay?

Now that the mystery of the monkey picture has been solved, I think it's time we dropped that cover photo for one that is more applicable to this week's blog and upcoming episode.  Yes everyone, Sean is ABSolutely ready to choose a temporary fiance!

In this week's blog I sit down with Sean and try to explain to him, and you, who he should choose in Monday night's way-too-long three hour finale.  


Why don't we pick up right from the beginning?  Catherine's introduction was normal, but I don't remember it at all.  Lindsay's introduction, however, was very memorable, but memorable in a bad way.  I lean towards the classy introduction vs. the crazy one.  

Catherine 1, Lindsay 0

Ability to hold down their liquor

It would appear it doesn't take much to get Lindsay drunk.  This was the first of Lindsay's drunken escapades, but let's not forget that time she told Sean they weren't allowed to kiss, only then to subject us to five minutes of them playing a silly game of back-and-forth.  This is the wrong show to be on for the easily-drunk.

Catherine 2, Lindsay 0

Bachelor Profiles

This category is based on their profile picture (above) and all the other information that is listed in their online bio (occupation, age, etc.).  

I'd call the profile pictures a draw but for one thing: the color of their shirts.  Green means this.  Red means this.  

Catherine's occupation is a graphic designer.  Google tells me the average salary of a graphic designer is about $48,000.  Not too bad.  Lindsay's occupation is a substitute teacher.  Basically, she's unemployed.  

Catherine is 26 and Lindsay is 24.  

Catherine 3, Lindsay 0

Kissing skills

You might be asking how I could possibly compare Catherine' and Lindsay's kissing skills when I've only ever kissed one of them.  Well, the answer lies in their ability to control the beast.  You'll notice Sean's tongue is running amok in the picture to the right.  To the left we find that Catherine has tamed the slimy monstrosity that is Sean's tongue.  

Catherine 4, Lindsay 0

But, you say, what about this?  What about this lack of control as Catherine lets Sean lick her face like a dog? You're right, I do need to take that into consideration.  I award Catherine one sympathy point for having to endure this heinous crime against humanity.  

Catherine 5, Lindsay 0

How they look after a long day at the beach

Catherine 6, Lindsay -1

How they look normally

Catherine 7, Lindsay -1

More traumatic story

Umm, Catherine's friend got killed by a tree.  The tree fell down and landed on her friend.  Then she died. Enough said.

Catherine 8, Lindsay -1

Athletic Ability

Catherine can do a back flip, and a really good one at that.  Let's look at Lindsay's athletic ability.  

Well, at least I think it's Lindsay.  Yeah, for purposes of this comparison that's definitely Lindsay.

Catherine 9, Lindsay -1


Catherine does use words like "beefy" and "hunky", but in my book that's okay.  Especially when she bites her lower lip like that.  Don't know why, but I love that.  If you're not a fan of those 8th grade words, remember that she did use the word "visceral" a couple episodes back.  That's pretty impressive for someone on a show that doesn't necessarily attract Rhodes Scholars.  

Lindsay, on the other hand, has two words in her vocabulary: "Amazing", and "Like".  "This is, like, so, like, amazing."  No, what's amazing is our score so far. 

Catherine - 10, Lindsay -1

Love for others

You remember when Lesley went home?  Who felt her pain?  Who wished for her happiness more than her own?  That's right, Catherine.  Did Lindsay show any concern for her fallen comrade?  Not at all.

Catherine 11, Lindsay -1


Lindsay has a tattoo on the top of her foot.  Who gets foot tattoos?

Catherine 12, Lindsay -1


If we were simply comparing Lindsay's family with Lola (she's going to get him!), then we have a tough decision to make.  However, we have to take into account Catherine's skank of a sister.  Speaking of siblings, let's not forget Lindsay's little brother, my favorite person on this show so far.  Okay, I concede.  Family goes to Lindsay.  

Catherine 12, Lindsay 0

Who's on my fantasy team

Once the captain of the One-Arm Bandits went down (Sarah), Catherine put my team on her back and carried us to the promised land (by promised land I mean second place - curse you Derek Welling!).  

Catherine 13, Lindsay 0

Catherine is the winner of our completely unbiased comparison of Sean's final two.  In reality, the only thing that Lindsay has going for her is her family, so this should be an easy decision for Sean.  But we all know that the Bachelor rarely does the right thing or chooses the right girl, so we're in store for yet another decision that is the "toughest of his life."  But at least you'll know who you should cheer for.  


  1. Oh my goodness. Can I tell you how much I love this post, and all your bachelor recaps? Please, post tonight's recap as soon as possible. Seriously. Hilarious.

  2. Hey when are we getting a finale analysis?

    1. Andy!!! I have really bad news. There may be no post about the finale ... It's tax season and work has become really crazy. I don't know if I can find the time until after 4/15, at which point we'll be closer to the new season of the Bachelorette than the finale of this season. We'll see, but as of now I might not get around to it, to the disappointment of many.

    2. NOOOOO!!! This is really sad news. I was definitely hoping for a finale post! :(

    3. My apologies Kailee, and to everyone else - even if I had time it would be a little late now. But don't worry, we're less than two months from the start of the Bachelorette, and I'll pick up where I left off!



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