The Bachelor Episode 6 - O Canada!

Does anyone know what "The Bachelor Nation Party Van" is?  Apparently if you live in the Los Angeles area and you host Bachelor watching parties, you can submit your information to ABC and potentially have Sean and Chris over when you watch.  How did I hear about this?  See below.

Yep, that is Sean and Chris at my coworker's fiance's house.  I almost invited myself, but then I thought about the many times I make fun of Sean and question his judgment while I watch.  Would I be able to do that in his presence?  I'd like to think so.  I'm dying to know what those papers are in everyone's hand.  Maybe Chris has them play some kind of game as they watch.

This is the shirt they made for him, which I thought it was pretty funny.  It reminded me of the Bachelor's ABSolutely campaign, which focuses on Sean's abs and is featured on the official Bachelor tumblr.

Do yourself a favor and check out the tumblr.  There's a lot of gems on there.  In other news, I've missed Sean's dirty blue shorts.

Of course, at the end of the night Sean had to hand out a rose.  Did the girl accept it?  ABSolutely!

Alright, time to get a move on and talk about the second episode we had this week.  You can't start the Bachelor without a shot of Sean being contemplative.  This time, he chose to think atop a pile of rocks. Welcome to Canada, the second crappy destination in the ladies' "worldwide journey to find love with Sean." So far it hasn't been so "worldwide", has it?

We started with Catherine finally getting a one-on-one date.  I feel like the quality of the dates (as far as the activities are concerned) are matching the quality of the location Sean and the women find themselves. Canada isn't the most exotic location you can go to, and consequently this date wasn't the most exciting.

This is what the date consisted of.  Sean pulling Catherine along the frozen terrain in a sled.  Not exactly the kind of date I'd be hoping for if I had just signed up to be on the Bachelor.  Nevertheless, Sean enjoyed himself immensely.  

"Catherine and I are sledding, we're doing flips, we're doing summersaults, we're walking on our hands, we're making snow angels - this is what I want in a wife."

Yes, Sean.  That's exactly when I want in a wife too, which is why I always make sure to take them to some type of winter playground so I can make sure they have those all-important qualities.  Add that to the list of must-sees before you get married, along with a) seeing your future wife in a swimsuit, b) seeing her without makeup, and c) seeing her mother.  Wait a minute!  All of that happens on the Bachelor!  Maybe this show really can produce a relationship that works ...

The abominable Sean.  

Later, we hear the first of two bizarre stories from the one-on-one dates.  In this story, Catherine's best friend was crushed by a falling tree.  It was a thrilling story, notwithstanding the fact that it looks like it's putting Sean to sleep.  

The story worked in the end and Catherine put out, thus securing a rose.  Okay, I believe now is a good time to talk about the elephant in the room: Sean's kissing.  I purposely chose the picture above because it wasn't that grotesque, and I didn't want to give this part of the blog away.  Know that two seconds later Sean's tongue came out in full force.  It's been a huge problem this season and it's time we gave it a serious analysis.  

This picture was taken last year when Sean was on the Bachelorette.  As you can see, it's been an issue for a long time.  

The producers knew that, so they brought in Arie, last year's man-whore.  His advice, as shown above, was to use as little tongue as possible in order to avoid anything sloppy.  Let's see if Sean took this advice.  

I think we've gathered substantial evidence that Arie's advice has been totally disregarded, and Sean's tongue is running amok.  Personally, I've been loving it.  Each and every time he goes in for a kiss I'm on the edge of my seat, waiting for his glistening tongue to slide it's way into another woman's mouth.  It's disgustingly entertaining.  

It's time to move on, and never visit that slimy spectacle again ... until next week.  Sean's group date was as lame as the first one.  He and the ladies jumped in really cold water.  That was it.  Surprisingly, the girls were talking about it as if it had changed their lives, exclaiming that it was "amazing", "incredible", and "one of the best things" they'd ever done.  

This is something that should never happen.  The double high five should not be part of anyone's arsenal.  

And off they go.  It's about time we got to see Sean without a shirt!  We had to suffer through nearly three hours of fully-clothed Bachelor before we were treated to this spectacle.   

And they're back.  Nothing special about this picture, but anytime I can get a shot of Tierra looking Tierrable, I'm going to do it.  

If Lesley doesn't win, at least she'll have a future as a stripper.  

Selma decided to tap out for this activity.  I mean, wasn't rock climbing enough!?  Come on, people.  Selma really deserved to be on the Julia Roberts prostitute date that Leslie went on.  That would be more up her high-maintenance alley.  I believe sitting this one out ended up costing Selma dearly.  That and the fact that she didn't put out.  

Sorry, people.  That is not putting out.  Don't argue with me.  On another note, maybe Sean's tongue problem can be solved.  Before you kiss make sure you tell him, as Selma did, to hold still.    

Look how excluded Selma is.  That's what she gets for not participating.  Everyone else is right there around Sean, even Tierr - wait a minute, where is Tierra?

There she is!  I don't think anyone was surprised by this.  The moment the lifeguards warned the contestants about the possibility of hypothermia, Tierra knew what she was going to do.  Her acting is starting to get ridiculous, yet Sean the producers are insistent that she stick around.

But hey, as annoying as she is, we'll always have this shot.  I'll echo Selma's statement from later in the show: Come on Sean, you're really going to wife that?  While watching the episodes this week, the following doppelgangers came up for Tierra:

• Gollum
• A Dwarf
• A Hobbit
• A Klingon (of course)

Beyond doppelgangers, there are also plenty of ways to make a play on Tierra's name.  Lesley treated us to the second one of the season (the first being Tierrable) when she called Tierra a "Tierrorist."  I'm still waiting for these to surface: a) Jack Russell Tierrier, b) "she's a Tierror", and my personal favorite c) Tierrasauras Rex.   

Nothing hits the spot after hypothermia like a good burger.  

It was, of course, all part of Tierra's plan.  Even Sean is catching on, mentioning to her that she seems to always find time to get one-on-one time with him.  As long as Sean keeps falling on it, she'll keep putting on a show, even if she does have to look like a complete idiot.

Tierra's victory shot.  After every traumatic event that results in Sean giving her attention and showing her affection, she gets this smile once he leaves.  Winning!

And of course she returned for the after-party.  My first thought when she walked in the door: Man, this party really died.

This was a really sad moment.  Poor Sarah was sent home after a stay that was just right.  Any longer and we would start to wonder what the crap Sean was doing.  Any shorter and we'd be calling Sean out for sending her home just because she had one arm.  Well played Sean producers.  

That being said, I did feel for her when she explained how every guy she was ever with gave her the same breakup speech.  What's that Sarah?  You live in LA, only one hour away?  You want to hang out?  Listen, you're an amazing girl, and I know how special you are.  You're sweet and sincere, and I really want to connect with you, but I just don't.  I want it to work, I do.  Someone is going to be really lucky to have you, and I don't want to put you through anything when I know it isn't going to work.  I'm sorry.    

Loved Tierra's rolling of the eyes when Sean came to pick up Des.  

"We're going on a picnic!?"  Another over-the-top reaction to something undeserving.  Due to the length of this blog post, I'm going to skip talking about all the analogies these guys pulled from their repelling excursion. Just know that there were a lot, and they were all awesome.  

This may have been a Bachelor first.  When was the last time we actually watched anyone actually eating on their date?  I can't remember seeing anyone chew their food.  All they do is drink their wine and poke at their food with forks.  We see more tongue enter people's mouths than food.  

Did anyone ask themselves what was up with Sean's sweater?  Who dresses this guy?  Does he have any say in what he wears?  His fashion consultants are probably all laughing behind his back, then saying to his face, "No, Sean, trust us.  It looks great man.  Go get 'em."  

The second bizarre story of the night came when Des told Sean that she spent at least four months of her life living in a tent.  In a tent?  Really?  I can believe the trailer park, small apartments, and whatever other humble accommodations she brought up, but I have a hard time believing she spent that long living in a tent. Maybe she loves camping and the four months were over the course of her whole life.  I mean, if I added up all the nights I've spent camping, I could probably reach a month or two.  

I'm surprised she didn't say anything about living in a van down by the river.  

A teepee isn't quite the same as a tent, but I'm sure Des felt right at home.  

Lindsay was drunk again, just like the first night.  That night drunk-Lindsay was begging Sean for a kiss.  In Tuesday's episode, drunk-Lindsay was refusing to give Sean a kiss.  She's come full circle, folks.  

Selma, after kissing Sean, said she had to pull out the "big guns" for Tuesday's rose ceremony.  I'll let you decide what she meant by that.

AshLee decided to give Sean a blindfold as an analogy that she is "giving up control" and "allowing Sean to lead her."  While I appreciate how vulnerable AshLee was, I'm going to feel terrible when Sean sends her home in a couple of weeks.  Just as Lindsay is the Arie of this season, AshLee is this season's Sean.  She's become completely open and has given her heart to someone, like Sean did with Emily, only to (most likely) have it broken towards the end.  

This week, along with Sarah, we had to say goodbye to Selma and Daniella.  Truth be told, I'll miss the weird face Daniella always makes, and I'll miss whatever Selma is doing.  

And then there were six.  Upon re-entering the room, Sean proceeded to tell the women, "I just knew you six are the six for me."  The Bachelor is one of the few men who can say that exact sentence and get away with it.  Who else can say that during their lifetime without getting slapped?  

I have those six in the following order:

1) Desiree

2) Lesley

3) AshLee

4) Catherine

5) Lindsay

6) Tierra

Is it finally time that Tierra goes home?  ABSolutely!