Starting a blog, becoming vulnerable, and the Bachelorette

Starting a Blog.  On many different occasions I have considered starting a blog, but I never have.  The reasons for this are 1) I felt that no one would read what I would write because I have nothing interesting to say (I still feel this way), and 2) I was lazy and too “busy”.  I graduated from college two months ago and still have over three months to go before I enter the workforce full-time.  So being “busy” is no longer an excuse, and since being lazy was never an excuse to begin with, my second reason for not blogging is no longer a valid reason (was it ever?).  However, my first reason for not blogging has been and still is challenging to overcome.

Vulnerability.  This brings me to becoming vulnerable.  If you don’t want to read about borderline spiritual concepts, then please skip this paragraph and get to the good stuff about The Bachelorette.  So, the concept of vulnerability came to me after listening to the viral Ted Talks by Brené Brown called The Power of Vulnerability and Listening to Shame.  Both of these talks are worth watching and are worth pondering.  

Even after watching both of her talks multiple times, it’s still hard to define exactly what vulnerability is and what it means to me.  My favorite way that Brené describes it is that being vulnerable is when we allow ourselves to really be seen.  We completely expose ourselves to others (not like that), and that is a terrifying thing to do.  It is an emotional risk because the outcome is so uncertain.  There’s something in our mind (shame) that tells us that if someone knew everything about us then they wouldn’t accept us, and that’s what makes becoming vulnerable so frightening and uncomfortable.  We settle with being who people want or expect us to be.  To avoid any possible pain we reveal only as much of ourselves as we think people will accept, and their opinions begin to be the things that validate us, and we begin to draw our worth from the wrong sources.  Being vulnerable has to come from a place where we believe that who we are is enough.  When we believe that, we are able to reveal ourselves fully and we are able to let ourselves be deeply seen.  What Brené Brown teaches is that being vulnerable and reaching that point is where joy, happiness, and feelings of belonging and love come from.  We can have no real connection with others and no real, deep emotions until we allow ourselves to reach this point of excruciating vulnerability.  She teaches that becoming vulnerable is our most accurate measure of courage.  That’s funny because when you punch in “vulnerable” in the thesaurus, words like “susceptible” and “weak” come up, and those have less to do with “vulnerable” than “ugly” has to do with Emma Watson.  I have ranted on much too long about this topic, and this ranting comes not from a position of authority, because as much as I believe this, I haven’t really lived it.  So why am I even talking about it?  I promise that these last 400 words I have written have something to do with my starting a blog.  Here is a direct quote from Brené from Listening to Shame: “To create is to make something that has never existed before.  There is nothing more vulnerable than that.”  So in the spirit of trying to be more vulnerable, I have created this blog.  I have created something that has never existed, and I have created something that will hopefully reveal me in a way that will allow me to be seen.  This is a small step in me trying to live a more full life.

The Bachelorette.  Enough of this sappy banter!  Let’s move on to a different kind of sappy – the more worldly kind.  Speaking of being vulnerable … In this week’s episode of the Bachelorette, a number of the guys dropped the L-bomb on Emily and told them that they were “in love” or “falling in love” with her (I believe this was more of a strategic move and less of a bearing of the soul).  This got me thinking about the different steps that Bachelor/Bachelorette take and when they should take them to maximize their effect.  There are four major steps that I could think of: 1) the emotional story of your ex, your family, or something of that nature, 2) the first kiss, 3) the “I’m-going-to-sneak-out-of-the-house” visit after-hours, and  4) the “I love you”/“I am falling in love with you”.  This season has had good examples of each of these steps. 

Step 1: The emotional story of your ex, your family, etc.

This is generally the first step to take in developing a “real” relationship with the Bachelorette.  The ideal place for this is probably on the first date.  This season, Doug came out with it too early, and Wolf came out with it too late.  On opening night Doug read the letter his son had written for Emily, and then did nothing the rest of the show except accept his role as Papa Bear of the house and make fun of Chris (who will be quick to tell you he’s a man and not a boy!).  I believe that dropping the emotional story should be followed by the second milestone relatively quickly.  Doug never did that and then suffered for it.  Wolf waited too long to become emotional in the first place, and even though he followed it with the first kiss, he was already too far behind.  Taking Step 1 kept him around for another week, but there was too much ground to make up.

Step 2: The First Kiss

Besides coming soon after the first milestones, the only other rules is that if you’re Arie, then you do it as soon as you can so that every time Emily sees you from then on out, she’ll be begging you for more (if Arie looked like he did in this blog with long hair, the only thing she’d be begging for is that he go home).  Besides that, just get it done.  That could be sooner rather than later or vice versa, but it has to come at the right time.  Doug waited too long and it killed him.  Jef also waited a long time, but it was the right move for him and it played to his favor. 

Step 3: The “I’m-going-to-sneak-out-of-the-house” visit after-hours

This move locked up the win for Courtney in last season’s Bachelor with Ben.  Ever since the skinny-dipping session, Ben was hooked on Courtney.  This season, both Arie and Sean took this step very effectively, although the whole Sean running around Prague looking for Emily was one of the stupidest things I have ever seen.  This really is a bonus step.  Not everyone has to reach it, but for those who do, it’s very beneficial.  It’s no coincidence that this season’s two favorites have both made an after-hours visit. 

Step 4: The “I love you”/”I am falling in love with you”

Both Jef and Arie made these pronouncements last episode, and Emily swooned.  The way Jef did it with the puppets was great.  I was surprised that the love word was used this episode.  Historically, we usually hear these phrases during the hometown dates.  That’s probably a good place to use them, but as we saw last episode, using them earlier can’t hurt. 

Step 5 (Just added): The Fantasy Suite!

My personal favorite.  “Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms…”