The Bachelor Episode 3 Highlights

One of the best places to write is on an airplane, and that's where most of this was written.  I survived twelve straight days of training at Deloitte University, and while it was a long time, I had a lot more fun than I thought I would.  The facility is amazing, I met some great people, and I'm actually a little sad to leave it behind.

I mentioned that while at training, I did karaoke for the first time ever.  Why didn't I discover this before?  It's so fun!  I figure I missed out on it because growing up in stone-cold sober Utah isn't conducive to people making fools of themselves.  Most people need a lot of booze in their system before they dare the karaoke stage.  Not me though.  When all was said and done I sang on four separate occasions, and I've started making a list of great karaoke songs from which I can pull whenever the moment arises.  If you have some good song suggestions, I'd love to hear them.  And if you ever decide you want to sing karaoke, I want in.  Just to convince you I'm a good karaoke companion, here's a 52-second clip of my first karaoke performance, Back at One by Brian Mcknight.  Please ignore the weird hand-touching I do with whatever random girl was sitting next to the camera, and please ignore the note I totally botched around 0:36.

How's that for proof, Michelle?  Speaking of karaoke, wouldn't that be an awesome group date for the Bachelor?  A bunch of desperate men or women desperately trying to impress a member of the opposite sex? It would be incredible.  I think this date would tell the Bachelor a lot about the girls.  At least a lot more than some lame a-- photo shoot.  The karaoke date would separate the wheat from the tares.  You'd see which girls had a sense of humor, and which were willing to have fun and put themselves out there.  By the end of the date I think the Bachelor would have a pretty good idea of who should stay and who should go.  You can't lose on this date, Bachelor.  Come on!  Do it!

Personally, when I go on the Bachelorette and they have this date I'm singing I'll Make Love to You by Boyz II Men.  I submit there is no greater karaoke love (sex) song than that.  I actually tried to sign up to sing this song while in Texas, but I was told it was too direct for a corporate event, and that it wasn't allowed.  Their loss.

Anyway, we need to move on.  Let it be known that I watched this episode by myself and got seven pages of notes down.  It was a good week.  Here are some of my highlights:

Change your shorts.  

1. The Workout Montage

We've been through three weeks of the Bachelor, and in each one we've started the same way: with shots of a shirtless Sean (kind of a tongue-twister) pumping weights and hitting the treadmill while he gives us a monologue about his situation.  I'm excited to see how long they can keep this going.  Let's make it four in a row on Monday!  On more thing we might need to monitor: I'm pretty sure he's wearing the same blue shorts for all of his workouts.

2. The Competition Date

Wasn't that awkward when Chris showed up
out of nowhere in a shirt and slacks?

We were treated to one of my favorite Bachelor dates: the Competition Date.  This is where the already-too-competitive women get split into two teams for the grand prize of, as Chris put it, "serious quality alone time with Sean!"  That's what was on the line, but from the way the girls talked, you'd think it was much more.

"If we don't win, I'm not gonna get to spend time with Sean.  And I need time with Sean."

"It's freaking me out.  I want to win.  I need to win."

"There's a lot at stake today.  I not only want more time with Sean, I need more time with Sean.  I need to win this game."

Do we see a pattern here?  Those were from Catherine, Des, and Lindsay.  My favorite, however, came from Taryn:

"This volleyball game is the most important game of my life - the only one I'll ever play that has something riding on it.  You're talking about your heart here.  You're talking about more time with a guy that could be yours forever.  It's that big of a deal."  

That sounds really serious!  And you know what, maybe they're right.  Two of the three girls (Kristy & Taryn) were on the losing team and they went home.  My guess is that another one from the losing team (Leslie or Daniella) would also have gone home if Kacie hadn't completely self-destructed (more on that later).  I'm done underestimating the importance of the Competition Date.  I'm with the girls.  They need to win that date.  Wait a minute, what if they had a Karaoke Competition Date?  Split the girls up in two teams, have them sing in front of a live audience, and have the audience decide which team won.  Winning team stays, losing team goes.  Man, that's a great idea, and there's more where that comes from.  How can I become a producer for this show?

Awkward fist pump!  Lindsay can't even look.

3. Kacie

Perhaps the best way to talk about Kacie would be to go through what I wrote in my notes as I watched.  I think that would sum up my thoughts about her demise.  Here's the running diary, starting when Kacie first approaches Sean to talk about Des and Amanda:

"Kacie - don't freaking talk about anything!  Don't you remember how you buried yourself in Ben's season!?  Don't!!"

"What the h--l are you doing?  You are so stupid.  Why are you talking?"

"HE PROBABLY SAW BEN'S SEASON!!! Kacie you are so full of CRAP!!"

"I feel so awkward watching this."

"Kacie, that was the worst move you ever could have pulled.  Seriously, WTF?  Seriously, WTF?  WTF?  WTF?"

Then, throughout the rest of the show:

"I kind of like Kacie's dress ... You freaking better make up for it, Kacie.  Don't screw it up!"

"Why is Kacie so full of drama?  Be cool!!!!!  Don't be stupid!!!!!"

"Kacie, you freaking blew it.  You SUCK.  You SUCK.  You SUCK.  You SUCK.  Holy crap!  Kacie, you stupid idiot, why couldn't you keep your mouth shut?" 

I was really harsh on her, yes.  But that's because she was my first-round draft pick!  She was supposed to take my team to the promised land!  Who else can I rely on?  Amanda?  Catherine?  Sarah and her dog?  I'm doomed!!!!  Why was I so high on Kacie?  Thinking about her just pisses me off.  You want to see the scariest picture of her I've ever seen?

HI SEAN!

4. The Other Dates

When I first saw the 3:15, I thought it was three hours and fifteen minutes.  But no.  Three minutes and fifteen seconds?  Is that really the longest on-screen kiss, because that's pretty weak.  The only other thing I'll mention about this date is how robotic Sean was.  Right from the get-go Lesley was all up in Sean's business (not like that).  She had her hands in his hair, on his face, etc.  Sean, on the other hand, kept his hands moving from her lower back to middle back, and nowhere else.  COME ON SEAN!!  Did Arie teach you nothing?  Why did you even meet with him?  You've got to put on a show in that situation and get into it.  Okay, I've said my peace. Wait, one more thing to mention.  Did anyone else notice this guy?

He looks like he wants to set a record with Chris.

The second single date was the better of the two.  You may not believe this, but this was the first time I've ever got emotional watching the Bachelor.  It teared me up a bit.  You'd think my heart would have been touched at some point during my three year relationship with this show, but no.  This was a first. AshLee's story was quite touching, and I thought their date with Emily and Brianna was really cool.  I would have preferred that date over some of the other more exciting and exotic dates.

5. Notable Quotes

"The date card said 'who will win my heart', so I think it's definitely some kind of competition."

Wow, thanks Sherlock, er, I mean Catherine.  The powers of deduction are strong in this one.

"Oh my gosh.  I am just so amazed by you.  You're everything I'm looking for, you're like, hands down on paper and I feel chemistry."

Those words in that order were actually spoken by Lindsay.  Read it again and try to make sense of it. I can't. I'm not sure what it means for Sean to be "hands down on paper."

"I had no idea I would have feelings for girls this early, and one week into it I find myself really digging a lot of women, and it's blowing me away right now."

Sean is surprised that he finds himself, in his words, "digging" a lot women this early.  Why should he be surprised?  If I were constantly being fawned over by 20 beautiful women, I think I'd also find myself, in my words, "sweatin' on" a lot of women.

"So, I have something super serious to talk to you about.  When you were describing what you look for in a woman, well, you're looking at her."

Sick, Amanda.  Sean wasn't convinced.  None of us are.  Wait while I throw up in my mouth.

"Do you want to taste the chocolate?"

"Yes."

"Which chocolate do you want to taste?"

I cannot wait to see this awkward interaction between Sean and Robyn play out next episode.

6. Power Rankings

1. Desiree ( - ).  No reason to move Des down, despite the fact she was the last girl to receive a rose.  I don't understand why they kept her until the end.  Has it ever been more obvious who was going to receive the final rose?

2. Lesley ( - ).  Despite her Ashley-like open-back dress, Lesley remains right on Des' coattails.  Can I take this moment to say how much I hate open-back dresses?

Three of the top five.

3. AshLee ( +1 ).  I'm leapfrogging AshLee over Sarah, but not quite past Lesley since she, too, had a good one-on-one date.  I think AshLee and Sean would be a good match.  Unfortunately, we all know that once someone becomes the Bachelor they begin to suffer from some strange disease that makes them pick someone who would be terrible for them, so AshLee will make it to hometowns and no farther.

4. Sarah ( -1 ).  For the second time ever, the Bachelor made me tear up.  Maybe I was already emotional from AshLee's date, but seeing that dog greet Sarah got to me.  Probably just because I love dogs.  And maybe because Sarah is the last hope I have of my Fantasy team making any noise this year, but I'm not that hopeful.  I think Sarah's ceiling is fifth place.

5. Lindsay ( +3 ).  Lindsay makes the biggest jump of the week; I knew she'd come around.  I really like her and I finally figured out who Lindsay reminds me of: Pam from the office.

They even tilt their heads the same way.  And they both wear wedding dresses.

6. Robyn ( - ).  "Let's ditch these bi---es and fall in love fo' real!"  You tell 'em Robyn!  I think it's time to remind ourselves why Robyn is ranked so high:

That's why.

7. Jackie ( - ).  We better hear from Jackie before she gets "Taryn'd" (new phrase for good-looking, seemingly awesome girl who gets kicked off before we get a chance to know her).  

8. Catherine ( - ).  Catherine won't be around for too much longer, I fear.  She reminds me too much of a little kid.  She was the recipient of Sean's go-to move though:

I think that's her ....

9. Selma ( - ).  It would appear that next week we'll finally see more of Selma.

10. Leslie ( +1).  Only moves up because I hate Tierra.

11. Daniella ( +1).  See #10.

12. Tierra ( -2 ).  The only thing that can save Tierra from claiming the bottom spot is Amanda.  Tierra is a sick, manipulating, conniving little hussy.  I wonder how long she was waiting at her window waiting for Sean so she could fall down the stairs.  The timing was a little too perfect.  Once she realized she was going to get a diagnosis that said "Nothing wrong - girl crazy", she wanted no part of the medical help.  My guess is that if Tierra had been on AshLee's date, she would have complained when she found out she'd have had to share Sean with two other girls, even if those girls were suffering from a life-threatening disease and were about to have all of their dreams come true.

13. Amanda ( - ).  I don't care about winning Fantasy Bachelor anymore.  Just get her off this show.  Please.

Not my best season.  Note: the pink ponies were not my doing, I swear.  I was in Dallas.

We're saying goodbye to:

Kacie.  Enough has already been said, and she already got a picture.  We'll give the other two a couple great farewell pictures.

Taryn.  Poor Taryn.  I really wish we saw more of her.  Oh well.  Isn't that a freaky picture?  She's looks like some kind of alien, monster, Godzilla, whatever.  Maybe Sean got it right when he kicked her off ...

Aaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!

Kristy.  We went from Kristy winning the model date, then to whatever she was doing in that picture below, and finally to her breakdown after the all-important volleyball game.  She seems like a good fit for the Bachelor Pad. My guess is that we'll see her there.

Stop it.

7. Predictions

Last week: 0-3
Season: 1-5

It's been a rough start to the season, but I get better as the game goes along, I swear.  Please keep reading! Don't leave!  Please!  Now, the next three girls to go, in order, will be 1) Daniella, 2) Jackie, and 3) Amanda.  I swear I'll get this right soon.  At some point Daniella and Amanda will have to go home.  The only thing keeping Leslie out of my predictions is the fact that I think she gets a single date this next week.  Other than that she'd have taken Jackie's place.

Monday should be exciting.  We get to see a bunch of eager, frantic women roller skating for Sean's heart.  I'm pretty sure Sarah is on this date (she's in the back), which could get awkward.  I just hope Tierra is there as well.  She'll be dropping bows.