Episode 2 - The Absurdity of the Bachelor

I think every post should begin with the monkey photo-bombing Sean's make-out session.  It's this season's Bachelor logo.  Way better than some montage of roses or this terribly queer photo of Sean.  Man, that's a lame picture.  We're going with the monkey!

Last Sunday I arrived in Dallas, Texas to seek out the Sean, and hopefully get an interview with him for the blog.  Just kidding.  I am in Dallas, but I'm here to attend some work training.  When I say some, I mean a ton.  They've got us here until the 25th of January, which is a really long time.  Thirteen days to be exact.  However, when you're at a place as nice as this (the video doesn't do it justice), you can't complain too much.  Since I've been here I've gone dancing almost every night, solo-karaoked for the first time and raced armadillos (weird, right?).  I bring my stay in Dallas up to apologize for the delay in posting.  We don't have a lot of free time here.  That being said, I'll jump right in with some quick notes from episode two:

1. The Helicopter

Will there ever come a time when the girls don't get totally and inexplicably giddy when they see the Bachelor coming to pick up someone in a helicopter?  "Are you kidding me?  Shut up!  Oh my gosh!"  Have they never seen this stupid show?  Kacie, with complete and utter awe in her voice, said: "Oh my gosh, Sean is picking her up in a helicopter.  Not a car, not any normal mode of transportation ... a helicopter."  She was on the show! She really can't remember the numerous times she rode in the whirlybird with Ben?

2. The Absurdity of the "Height" Date  

Here we have one of the standard (usually early in the show) Bachelor dates.  The one where the Bachelor takes his "unsuspecting" date in a helicopter to a tall location, where she nervously asks what they could possibly be doing at such an altitude.  The Bachelor then explains that yes (cue foreboding music), they will be making their way down there with some sort of apparatus tied to their bodies.  The potential soul mate then cannot believe that they would do such a thing.  Then we are treated to phrases like these, heard last night:

"[Insert Bachelor name] knows I can do it, and he's gonna be here to do it with me."

"As long as he's, like, holding me next to him and we're going to take this plunge together, I'll do it."

 "We're in this together.  My heart is racing a mile a minute, and the only thing keeping me calm is [insert Bachelor name]."

Finally, as the now-bonded couple floats gently to the ground, we hear stuff like this, also from last night:

"Yes, we really just [insert activity here].  It was such a sense of relief and also a sense of accomplishment.  We did this.  We did it together."

"The way [she] handled it, [she's] up for anything. ... It was a nice bonding experience.  I feel closer to [insert potential lover name]."

"There's nothing I'm scared of.  The only thing in the world I could have ever thought I'd be scared of - [insert activity here].  And I did it with [insert Bachelor name]." 

They were only able to accomplish such a feat with each other's support, and because they did, they are now close and probably in love.  Nothing makes me cringe like the dialogue during the "Height" Date.

3. Love vs. Infatuation

Since this season has started, I've had to explain to numerous people the reasons I watch and write about the Bachelor.  I won't take the time here to enumerate those reasons.  Instead, I will explain and clarify one reason I do not watch.  I do not watch because I believe in the process the contestants go through in order to, as the show so often puts it, "find love."  There might be some people who believe us Bachelor faithful actually have faith that true love really is the end result of each season.  But no.

What the contestants go through on this show is most definitely not love, but infatuation.  Take sweet little Sarah for example.  Sarah's dealings with Sean have consisted of a) a small conversation at the opening cocktail party and b) a single date.  After the date she said the following: "I feel like I'm falling in love with Sean." No you're not.  You are infatuated with Sean.  You like him.  You want to get to know him more.  I can assure you that you are not falling in love with him.  Not yet, and probably not ever while your relationship is still being televised for all to see.  I've always wondered how many of the contestants sign up truly believing that, if they won, the resulting relationship would be a healthy one based on real love.  They can't all be that naive, can they?

I believe that love takes a lot more than three months of polygamous dating, and is much, much deeper than anything reality TV contestants experience.  I obviously haven't experienced it, making me no authority on the subject, but I can write whatever I dang well please here, so I will.  I'll give two reasons why Bachelor-produced love doesn't work.

First.  Two people cannot truly love each other unless they are totally committed to each other.  Real commitment cannot result from this show considering the Bachelor is dating twenty women at once, giving a piece of his heart here and another piece there.  You know when the parents of the contestants are concerned about the Bachelor dating so many other woman?  Well, they have a right to be concerned!  They understand what I believe: that dating that many woman messes the Bachelor up for a while.  He gets so used to that style of dating and having that kind of attention that when the time comes for him to settle down with the one he "loves", he's unable to do it for more than a few months.  The irony of the show is that while its "goal" is to finally let this poor, unlucky-at-relationships guy find true love, it actually ruins his ability to love and commit himself to one person.

The second reason has to do with reality vs. life on the Bachelor.  The Bachelor's relationships with the woman do not resemble reality in any way, shape, or form.  They live an insane lifestyle for three months, traveling to exotic places and doing crazy, exciting things.  They don't experience the vicissitudes of day-to-day living. Everything is, no pun intended, roses.  Not being able to interact with the Bachelor in a real world setting, the ladies see the Bachelor only as the perfect man.  In Sean's case, all they see is someone who is nice, family-oriented, sincere, sweet, etc.  In their eyes, he has no flaws.  Then the show ends, and the Bachelor chooses his girl and they go off to live in a world they haven't been prepared for.  Time passes, the winner sees flaws she never saw before, and real life happens.  They have to deal with work, time commitments and everything else that normal people experience.  The relationship falls apart, and another Bachelor-produced couple falls by the wayside.

I know I said two reasons, but let me bring up a third point.  The commitment that accompanies winning this show and the relationship that the winners arrive at don't match up.  The commitment is that they'll head toward marriage.  The relationship they have is no stronger than any two- or three-week relationship in the real world. What happens at the end of the Bachelor is like taking two people who have been dating for three weeks, telling them they're going to get married, and then tracking their every move after that.  Sound like a recipe for success?  I didn't think so.  Before a couple can take that kind of pressure upon deciding to get married, they better have reached a deeper love - one built on commitment and time spent together.  They better have reached a point where they can see flaws and love one another despite them, and, in the words of C.S. Lewis, "have love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other."  

4. Fantasy Bachelor Teams Announced

This now sits at my cube at work.

The teams don't have names yet, but they have been chosen.

Team 1 (Lindsay Queyrel): Tierra, Selma, Lesley, Robyn
Team 2 (Derek Welling): AshLee, Lindsay, Kristy, Jackie
Team 3 (Colleen Johnson): Desiree, Taryn, Diana, Katie
Team 4 (Craig Swindlehurst): Kacie, Sarah, Catherine, Amanda
Undrafted Free Agents: Leslie, Brooke, Daniella

The teams were chosen after the first episode, and I'll be honest, I don't love my team.  I won't get into which team I think will win.  Not in this post.  The next section will give you an idea of which team I think is best.

Power Rankings

No blog post is complete without the Power Rankings.  Here we go.

1. Desiree ( - ).  How is Desiree not the front-runner?  My knock on her (or my knock on the producers) is that there's no way she didn't know the falling vase was coming.  She must of known because her reaction was too calm for that situation, and I think I even caught her looking at the camera.  That's my only complaint.  That being said, can someone tell me the last time the early front-runner ended up winning the show?  The only one I can think of is maybe J.P., and I'm not even sure he was the early front-runner.  The rest (Arie, Kacie B., Chantal) all lost.  So while she might be "winning" now, I don't think she'll be the last one standing.

2. Lesley (+8).  Sean really likes Lesley, and with reason.  I'm surprised she slipped past me.  After last episode, she's right there with Desiree.  That makes my two original picks for dark horses the two front-runners.  Interesting.

3. Kacie (-1).  I'm starting to get mixed feelings about Kacie.  I think she's a little smug - does anyone else get the vibe that she thinks she's a lot cooler than everyone else?  Plus when she laughs she cackles - go back and watch last episode.  She's like a hyena.  Also, when she got the rose on the group date she stated that all she wanted was "ten more."  She's actually counting down the roses.  Man, you are one pathetic loser.  Didn't like her this week.  

4. Sarah (-1).  Sarah gets the first one-on-one date, and consequently nabs the first real kiss of the show.  So props to her.  My one concern with Sarah is everything seems to be about the arm (or better said, the lack thereof).  She brings it up all the time, whether it's in interviews or with Sean.  Chances are it's the producers doing, but we need to hear less about it.  It's time to move on.  However, I'm still waiting for a really awkward moment to happen, like one of the following: a) Sean goes in for a double high five (oops), or b) he goes down too far as he's rubbing her arm, and slips off the end.

5. AshLee (+1).  Did you know there's a certification to become a professional organizer?  And that experienced organizers can charge well over $100 per hour?  In fact, I read that "it's not unheard of for a certified personal organizer to charge $1,500 per day of services."  $1,500 a day!?  Simple math tells me that five days a week for eight months gets you $240,000!!!!  Who has enough money to spend over $1,000 PER DAY for someone to organize their closets!?  And who's that stupid?

6. Taryn (-2).  I still don't understand why the producers aren't giving Taryn any airtime.  It's really starting to piss me off.  I don't want to move her any farther down.  

7. Robyn (-3).  I still like Robyn, just not as much as I did before.  It's surprising how much failed gymnastics moves will vault you in my rankings.  She goes one week without falling and I drop her three spots.  If she wants a spot in my top five, she's going to have to start tumbling across the rooms or cartwheeling down the stairs.

8. Jackie ( - ).  Jackie also gets screwed with the amount of airtime she gets.  So that's all I can write about her when I'd like to write much more.  Thanks producers, for screwing my blog up.

9. Lindsay (+5).  I'm high on Lindsay.  Forget my old predictions.  I am making Lindsay the official sleeper of this year's Bachelor.  No more changing dark horses this season.  This is the final decision.  It's Lindsay.

10. Catherine (+1).  "I'm vegan, but I love the beef!"  I felt that for that comment alone Catherine should move up at least one spot.  She hasn't been a relevant factor in this show yet, but I'm confident she will be.

11. Kristy (+8).  Kristy flies up the power rankings after a strong show.  Even the girls were describing her as "really, really hot."  I've begun to like her.  What was her problem again?  Maybe it's because she's a model, and models haven't been the best contestants in recent years (see Robertson, Courtney).

12. Selma (+4).  After hating on Selma in the season premiere, I actually really liked her this episode.  For some reason, she does kind of remind me of a Grandma  She has that kind of face.

The Tierra death glares.

13. Tierra ( - ).  Not much to say about Tierra except she is messed up and really, really mean.  There are at least five moments per show where she'll fix you with a death stare, and if I were one of the other girls, I'd be a little scared.  If I were Robyn, for example, I'd start locking my doors and I'd consider not bad-mouthing Tierra right in front of her. Hopefully Sean becomes aware of the insanity of this particular contestant. When will the Bachelors realize that the girl that none of the other girls like is trouble?  My theory is that when they hear the warnings from the other girls, they begin to like the villain even more.  They're drawn to the forbidden fruit.

14. Leslie (+1).  We all know it's only a matter of time.

The most deceiving profile picture of the season.

15. Daniella (+3).  See above.

16. Amanda (-4).  What is wrong with you!?  How did you go from the girl on the right to this sulking dimwit?  It doesn't make any sense!  Be normal! For the sake of my fantasy team be normal!!!

Goodbye to:

Katie.  That photo shoot date just wasn't for her.  And Sean didn't need much convincing when she told him she wanted to go.  "Well, let me walk you out then."

Brooke.  Purrrrrrr.....   

Diana.  Her single mom status didn't help with Sean, whose heart was recently broken by ..... a single mother.

Predictions

Last Week: 1-2
Season: 1-2

If Amanda hadn't received the final rose, I'd be sitting pretty at 2-1.  Instead, I'm 1-2 for the season (which doesn't include the first episode since I just thought of this).  I'm not sure how many girls will go home this next episode, so I'll be safe and choose four girls (in order) whose incredible journey of infatuation should end next Monday.  Amanda, Daniella, Leslie, and Jackie.  I throw Jackie's name out there very hesitantly because I want to see more of her, but who else to send home?

Until next week!