The Bachelor Episode 8 - Having Fun With The Circumstances

Imagine a television show exists in which overweight individuals become contestants who are put through rigorous workouts week after week with the goal of shedding their unwanted pounds.  We'll call it The Largest Failure, for lack of a better name.  Each week on The Largest Failure the contestants weigh in to determine who stays and who goes, and at the end of the season he or she who loses the most weight wins.  Now imagine that as the season progresses, no one is losing any weight.  In fact, the contestants are actually getting fatter.  In the end, the producers are forced to crown the guy who gained the least weight "winner", even though there was no real winner.  Finally, imagine that this show runs for over ten years, and each season it's the same story: no one loses weight.  Would you keep watching it?

Ladies and gentleman, that is exactly what we have with the Bachelor.  Just as The Largest Failure has a goal (help fat people lose weight), the the Bachelor has a goal (help desperate people find love).  Despite this noble purpose, the Bachelor has helped almost no one find love.  The show is not living up to the measure of its creation.  If we judge it by its ability to fulfill the purpose for which it was made, it is one of the worst shows ever created.  However, each Monday we, and millions of other love-deprived Americans, tune in, like dogs that return to their vomit.  But oh, is that vomit delicious, especially when it's hometown vomit.

Before I jump into each of the hometown visits, can I mention that the beast was tamed this episode?  Sean kept his tongue in check through four dates, which is a miracle considering his previous escapades.  You can always count on the Bachelor being on his best behavior during hometowns.  But really it's nothing more than the calm before the fantasy-suite storm.

AshLee

Yes, it's sweet that AshLee loves Sean and has given herself completely to him.  Just look at how she gazes so longingly into his eyes.  It's beautiful.

That being said, I have a couple of problems with this:

One, it's a stupid thing to do.  AshLee, being the 32 year-old cougar that she is, should be the wise one of the group.  But her behavior is far from wise.  Does she remember what television show she's on?  Need we remind her of the historical success rate?

Two, it's starting to get creepy.  She's laying it on too thickly, giving it up too easily.  The more she says "I love you" and the more sappy she gets with Sean, the more Sean should run away.

Listen to some of the stuff AshLee says, and tell me it doesn't freak you out:

"Before I met Sean, I thought I knew what love was.  I had NO idea what real true loves was ... I have never brought home somebody I'm madly, deeply in love with.  I really want to express to my parents that I actually know what love for another person outside my family is like.  It's so crazy." 

No, you're crazy.

"I've stepped out of my comfort zone and I trust this man and he told me to trust him that he is going to be the man to protect my heart."

Poor AshLee.  Of course he said that to you!  In reality, he'll do anything but protect your heart.  He's going to destroy it.  He'll reach deep down, uncover all your dark secrets, express his love to you in a fantasy-suite kind of way, and then rip your heart out of your chest.  Consider yourself warned.

This hometown was all about Bruce.  I'm all in on Bruce, probably because his name is Bruce.  I'd take this guy as my father-in-law any day.

Sean and AshLee had a great time telling AshLee's parents about all the adventures they'd been on, but AshLee maybe should have avoided this story:

"There was a lot of romance.  We had fun in the sand.  We rolled around in the sand.  That was really fun."

Needless to say, AshLee's parents didn't love hearing about them getting friendly down in the sand.  You asked, Bruce.

This date was all about how much AshLee loves Sean and about how much she's opened her heart and invested in him.  Both mom and dad vocalized concerns about AshLee getting her heart broken, and in each case Sean lied and reassured them it wouldn't happen.

At this point, AshLee is the only contestant that should end up with Sean.  But as we all know, what should happen never happens on the Bachelor, and that's one reason we love it.

Catherine

If AshLee's hometown was all about Bruce, this one was all about Lola, aka Graham Cracker.  Catherine better watch out, she's going to get him.

You know what I love about this picture?  The Bachelor fans in the back.  That's exactly what I would do if I saw them.  I wouldn't play it cool and ignore them.  I would have my phone out and I would follow them around until I got told off.

A quick note about Catherine: we should all be very confused why she's still here.  Sure, she's pretty cool, and she's a lot more fun than someone like AshLee (yawn), but she doesn't really belong in the show at this point. We've seen so little of their relationship.  So if AshLee is getting her heart broken and Catherine's a long shot, then Lindsay ... oh no.

One of Catherine's redeeming qualities is her obsession with Sean's beefiness.  Last episode, when asked what she liked about Sean, one of the first things out of her mouth was "his big, beefy arms."

Catherine's sister was the first of a couple of idiotic family members.  When Sean met with the sisters, this is a summary of what they told him about Catherine: she's non-committal, she's selfish, she's messy, and she has extreme mood swings.  Thanks for the glowing recommendation, sis.  When I go on the Bachelorette, I hope my brothers are a little more kind than that.  

This has become a normal sight for those of us who watch every week.  Catherine has a potty mouth. On that note, I don't think we've heard Sean swear once this season.  Even the single-mom-who-wanted-to-set-a-good-example-for-her-daughter (Emily) cussed every now and then.  

Halftime: The Shower

Before we move on to the final two hometowns, let's take a break and remember the glorious event that was the credits of the "Sean Tells All" episode on Tuesday.  

Was this one of the strangest, most awkward-while-trying-to-be-sexy moments in Bachelor history? ABSolutely!

Lindsay

Lindsay wears way too much makeup.  

But what does Sean care when he's getting a bunch of action?  If this all happened on her father's base on national television, imagine what's going to happen when they're miles away with no cameras in the fantasy suite.  Okay, that's enough imagining.  

Now we know where Lindsay gets it.  Although I say that, I would love a mother-in-law like this.  I would never marry a woman like this, but I'd take a mother-in-law.  It figures that the girl I like the least has the coolest family, and I haven't even mentioned Lindsay's little brother, who is now my favorite person in the world.  Go re-watch their visit to General Yenter's house and tell me you don't fall in love with him.  

The General's easiness was a bit of a letdown, but that's because I trusted the previews.  You can never trust the previews.  Whatever they make you want to believe, believe the opposite.  That being said, he didn't disappoint when he compared Sean and Lindsay getting engaged to parachuting into enemy territory.

Have I mentioned that Lindsay wears way too much makeup?  I have?  Okay then, why don't I mention that she wore one of the worst dresses I've ever seen.  Wait a minute, that dress looks familiar ... 

Woof.

Des

One day I would like someone (a girl, preferably) to be so excited to see me they do this run-jump-hug combo. That's not too much to ask for, is it?  

"This is Nick.  He's an actor."  Hey Nick, you need to look for a new job.  The moment this guy looked right into the camera was the moment we should have known the whole ex-boyfriend thing was a hoax.

I LOVED Des' parents.  They were so nice.  They were just happy to be with their daughter, and they were happy she was happy.  There was no judging her relationship with Sean, no grilling the temporary couple with intense questions, no being idiots.  Leave all that to their dickhead son.  

I've brought him up, so let's get this over with.  Yeah, he was an idiot, but I think Sean did a very poor job of handling the situation.  He was defensive right off the bat, which is exactly the reaction Des' brother (Nate Harstock, in case you were wondering) wanted.  I really have nothing else to say, other than her brother pretty much screwed up Des' chances.  In a normal world, Sean would be dating Des and only Des when he finally met Nate.  Under those circumstances he probably looks past the brother and sticks it out with Des.  However, when he has three other girls who are obsessed with him and are giving it up to him all the time (see Yenter, Lindsay), then any roadblock to a happy relationship becomes insurmountable.

In the end, all this means is that we have ourselves a new Bachelorette.  It's a good thing she didn't end up with Sean, because outside of Des, there were no other potential Bachelorettes.  A couple of weeks ago I might have said AshLee, but she's become crazy and is no longer fit to be the feature of a whole season.

The Rose Ceremony/Final Thoughts

Sean did what any good Bachelor would have done when facing a tough decision: he went back to the photographs.  This is the equivalent of my getting on Facebook and scouring through pictures of girls I'm interested in.  When there are multiple girls on my mind, Facebook always solves my problems.

Poor Sean really didn't want to let Des go.  When I watched this the first time through, I laughed at this scene.  I had to because there were people around.  When I watched this by myself, I didn't laugh.  

In the end, when you marry someone you marry their family as well.  Which one of these dysfunctional families would you have chosen?  

The Bachelor Episode 7 - Don't Let Them Take Your Sparkle!

This was my initial reaction when I heard Sean tell Tierra that maybe it was better for her to go home:

If you can't tell what's going on, it's a celebratory dance.  Yes, that girl is wearing a giant pair of pants.  Anyway, my joy was full, and I was thrilled at the prospect of not having to watch any more of Tierra's manipulations. However, after 48 hours, my real feelings are better represented by this picture:

I'm going to miss her.  Tierrably.  I think the producers realized they couldn't have a normal week without Tierra, so they skipped an episode and accelerated the hometown dates.  Since the show will now have a completely different format, maybe we won't notice Tierra's absence as much.  Be that as it may, I plan to have a Tierra-filled blog as a final tribute to her Reign of Tierror.

Tierra has never been very good at masking her displeasure when someone else gets a date, and now we finally know the answer - she can't control what's on her face 24/7!  I dub this face the "I'm-not-friends-with-girls-who-like-my-boyfriends" face.  

AshLee really likes your boyfriend, Tierra.  Here we see her raising her hands in triumph upon securing the first one-on-one date Monday night.  Ladies and gentleman, the cougar's back in town!  

I never had reason to believe AshLee couldn't swim, but either she can't or she decided to be really awkward. Either way, let's be thankful we're finally at a location where the ladies can wear bikinis as much as they want. Thank you St. Croix.  Oh, and thanks for Tim Duncan, too.  

AshLee took the risk of talking to Sean about Tierra and it paid off.  Amazingly, Sean took AshLee at her word and that was that.  I mean, it was just amazing.  Sean is an amazing guy, and there he was hanging out with an amazing woman.  This whole journey is so amazing.  

I saw this video before I re-watched Monday's episode, and I started noticing the word "amazing" right and left.  

Anyway, after a tantalizing conversation about Tierra's poor character, Sean and AshLee decided to take a walk into the water ... 

And suddenly ended up on the beach!  Did anyone else notice how weird that was?  

This date was full of AshLee lying awkwardly on top of Sean.  First in the water, and now here in the sand.  They look like two beached whales, but two really good-looking beached whales.  Unlike Tierra, I won't complain about AshLee being 32.  Not when she looks like that.  

When Tierra finally got her own one-on-one date, the women tried so hard to be excited for her, but see how they failed.  It's hard to be excited for someone when they're not even excited themselves.  Once Tierra got the date card, all she could do was complain about having to walk around a city while being attacked by bugs, sweating, and having her makeup get all messy.  Lesley put it best: "I hate that b***h."  

Back to AshLee's date.  She finished the night by raising her hands and awkwardly proclaiming Sean's love for all to hear.  AshLee really likes Sean a lot.  If it's even possible, she's moving faster than normal Bachelor women go.  The way she's talking about Sean and the way she's telling him she loves him is more like the behavior of one of the top two, not someone in the top six.  It's all going to build up to a giant heartbreak. Although AshLee said she loved Sean and that she'd never stop telling him that, she actually will in about three weeks.   

Or maybe she won't.  Doesn't she look kind of evil/possessive/crazy in that picture?  Looking at her there makes me think she'll latch onto Sean and never let go.  Sean will go out and she'll "randomly" appear out of nowhere, she'll break into his house to steal his dirty blue shorts, she'll start crossing out the faces of other girls in all his pictures, stuff like that.  

I don't know who's loving this more: Tierra, that black lady, or me.  We've captured another ugly Tierra moment. They just keep coming!  Before this date Sean wondered who was right about Tierra, him or everyone else. Gosh, that's tough.  Do you believe the guy who's spent a total of six hours with her, or girls that have been living with her for more than a month?

When confronted by Sean about her relationship with the other girls, Tierra claimed that the girls' dislike of her was simply jealousy stemming back to the moment that she received the first impression rose (along with about six other women).  Yes, I'm sure each and every girl remembers that, and that's why they're ganging up on her.  Tierra, always the victim.  

After we saw this lovely shot of some sandy feet, we got to listen to Tierra plead her case to Sean.  I think she felt the end might be drawing near, so she put it all on the table:

"I thought I'd tell you ... that ... I care for you a lot ... and I hope that ... our journey continues from here on out.  I ... am falling for you, and hopefully you know that and that you go home tonight and you really take that into consideration.  And to know that ... [kissing] ... I'm falling in love with you."

Those periods represent awkward pauses she had during her speech where she had to gather her thoughts in order to say what she really wanted to say.  It was like she was taking her time and making sure that she covered all the main points and buzz words she needed to.

And, of course, that was enough to get Sean's tongue to go down the gullet.  When all else fails, try putting out to stay put.  

Sean is the first Bachelor that I've actually liked throughout the whole season.  While I initially liked Jake, Brad, and Ben, I hated them all when the show was over.  My respect for Sean went up when he tried to get pictures of the girls on the group date without makeup.  He's starting to cross the pre-marriage must-sees off the list. Next week he'll meet their mothers and cross yet another item off the list, and he's already seen them in a bathing suit.  What else does he need to know?  

On another note, do you think Sean thought it was weird when he stumbled in on Tierra sleeping on a cot in the hallway?  

Did anyone else love this map from the group date?  In between Point Udall and Sandy Point, the map shows us their stops along the way: a sugar mill, a cafe, and a treehouse.  Were those really the main attractions of entire island of Saint Croix?  An abandoned building, a normal cafe, and a treehouse?    

When they finally arrive at their destination for the sunset, Sean snaps this photo so he can look at it again ... never.  Who is this picture for?  Is he going to keep it in a photo album after he chooses his temporary wife at the end of the show?  "Hey honey, remember that time we went on that date with two other women?"  

Is it just me or was Lindsay not looking her best that day?

Catherine followed up a-tree-killed-my-best-friend story with the story of her suffering-from-depression father. At this stage in the game, you better have shared with the Bachelor/Bachelorette some type of emotional story. The common denominator with the four remaining women is that they've all opened up to Sean about these kinds of stories from their lives.

AshLee - Adopted/Divorced

Catherine - Tree killed friend/Dad is depressed

Des - Lived in tent/Loves her family

Lindsay - .... She ..... She just puts out a lot

This date was drama-free because it was Tierra-free.  But it was merely the calm before the storm.  Then this happened.

 

Yes, just as the girls kept saying, the s**t hit the fan.  Tierra and AshLee duked it out.  Let's take a look at some of the key moments.

AshLee: "When someone walks into a room and says good morning ... "

Tierra: "I'm not gonna sit around and talk high school stuff, I'm a 24 year old woman, you're 32 years old ... "

Apparently saying "good morning" and exchanging pleasantries with other people is considered "high school stuff" now.

AshLee: "When Sean walks into the room, you're a different person."

Tierra: "Because girls are jealous.  Men love me.  I don't need to sabotage people to get to the top."

That doesn't look like the kind of girl that men love.  

Tierra: "All these girls are talking s**t about you.  Every single one ... I'm done with this conversation."

Later, because Tierra wasn't really done at all:

Catherine: "You told AshLee we talked s**t about her?"

Tierra: "I never said that, don't put words in my mouth.  I never said that."

Her denying that ticked me off more than any other moment.  Tierra has some serious issues.

AshLee: "Straight stares, raised eyebrow, no good morning ... "

Tierra: "Raised eyebrow!?  That's my face.  I can't help it ... I can't control my eyebrow!  I cannot control my eyebrow!  I can't control what's on my face 24/7."

I found this on the Bachelor tumblr before Monday's episode, so once I heard Tierra say she couldn't control her eyebrow I knew this had to be included somewhere.  

AshLee: "Your parents were worried about you coming on here because you can't get along with other girls."

Tierra: "They never said that, they said 'Tierra you have a sparkle, Tierra you have a sparkle, do not let those girls take your sparkle away.'" 

Tierra gave us a phrase that will last forever in infamy.  DON'T MESS WITH HER SPARKLE!  Now I'm even more angry she didn't make it to hometowns.  If she has parents that told her not to let people take her sparkle, imagine what they're like!  Sadly, we'll never know.

The whole dramatic incident left Tierra in the arms of Sean (what a surprise).  However, this time around she didn't receive the reassurance she was looking for.  

Tierra periodically looked at Sean like this, waiting for him to give her comfort, but Sean (bless his heart) remained silent and didn't give her what she wanted, for once.  Sean finally listened to the advice of his sister (who I thought was very attractive) and got rid of the girl no one liked.  But don't cry for Tierra.  Apparently, she's already engaged!  I will pray for whatever man this is who is attempting to take her sparkle.

Moving on.  Based on that picture, you'd think Lesley and Sean's date was a huge success.  Interestingly enough, this is the shot that the previews kept showing us, leading us to believe that Lesley was in it for the long haul, and I fell for it.  I always thought she'd be around until the end.  However, what killed her was not "being open", which is really a phrase meaning conjuring any kind of sad story you can think of (see above).  Lesley opted for a more "natural progression", one in which you get to know someone before a) telling them you love them, or b) bearing your soul to them.  Unfortunately for her, she was on the Bachelor, where opting for natural progression turns you into a victim of natural selection. 

Lesley's departure gave way to one of the most bizarre moments I've ever seen on the Bachelor.  

"I honestly can't explain how I'm feeling right now.  If he doesn't want Lesley I don't know why I'm here.  She has more in common with him than I do.  I swear, I didn't want to say that, but that's truly what I believed.  This is extremely tough for me.  My beliefs are shattered about what he wants."

I have absolutely no idea how to interpret that statement.  Is Catherine a lesbian?  I don't think that's ever happened before, but that would be crazy.  It reminds me of the lesbian contestant on Burning Love.  If you haven't seen the first season of Burning Love: The Most Romantic Web Series That Ever Will Be, you should probably watch it now.    

Before I leave, I need to say one final goodbye.  Tierra, we've had a great run.  I'll forever thank the producers for always throwing in a couple of crazies each season to make this show worth watching.  You follow in the footsteps of Michelle Money, Courtney the model, and Vienna the sausage.  Thankfully, we'll see you again in less than three weeks at the "Women Tell All", where the women will tear you to pieces and you'll be alone, fending for yourself.  Even Chris won't be able to save you.  But whatever you do, don't let them take away your sparkle.