The Bachelorette - What We Can Learn

This week's episode might be a turning point in the Bachelor/Bachelorette series. In the future we might remember this week as the week the show turned chaste.  I give props to Emily for denying all the men the chance to "spend more time" with her so they could "talk" together throughout the night.  Let's recap this week's episode and see what the Bachelorette can teach us about life and relationships.

Sean

I really feel for Sean this week, and that's not just because he was my favorite.  For how good a guy he was, I'm surprised at how few people share my love for him. Sean may not have been as charismatic as Jef or as smooth as Arie, but I still stand by my opinion that he was the best man of them all.  I'll admit that he was occasionally awkward and it felt somewhat unnatural when he tried to express his feelings, but I don't believe that was a result of him not being genuine.  I believe Sean is extremely authentic and is a man of no guile.  I believe his claims that what you see with him is what you get.  Unfortunately he just wasn't as charming and suave as the others.  

I believe that before Emily came along, Sean had never fully given his heart to someone.  He hasn't been in many relationships, and although he dated a girl for three years, it sounded like she was much more invested than he was - he loved her but he was not in love, as he said.  Sean has always been the one in the driver's seat.  Has he ever put himself at risk in a relationship?  Has he ever devoted himself to someone without any guarantee of being loved back?  Until Emily, I would answer no to both questions.  This was Sean's first experience of becoming vulnerable enough to give himself completely to someone and what happened?  His heart was broken.  Therein lies the risk that accompanies vulnerability and real commitment.  Sean put himself in a place where he could be hurt because of how much he had invested in Emily.  But at the same time, he also put himself in a place where he could feel more joy than he ever had before.  When we make the decision to totally commit ourselves to someone, we open ourselves up and are able to feel deeper and more real emotions.  But until we make that decision to go all in, the happiness we can feel in our relationship is limited.  Sean's first experience with true vulnerability in a relationship brought him great joy, but also left him devastated.  So what will he do now?  Will he become ever more closed off than before because of how much he was hurt?  Here's to hoping that through this experience, Sean has learned that the only way to experience real emotion in a relationship is by truly investing yourself, even if it does leave you susceptible to heartbreak.  And here's to hoping that he'll be able to make that kind of commitment again.

Arie

For everyone's viewing pleasure, I present once again Arie with long hair. I can't stop posting this picture because no one has ever looked so stupid.  Arie was one of my favorites early on, but I have lost my love for him.  I don't see enough from Arie, and like I've said before, all he and Emily do is make out.  I believe a total of seven words were spoken between them before they were on the deck of the yacht going at it.  That's all they do and Emily knows it.  That's why she had to ask what it is Arie does on a typical day.  Can you believe that they're on their second-to-last date before engagement and Emily doesn't even know what Arie does in his everyday life!?  Only on the Bachelorette could this happen. Furthermore, I can't picture them together on a day-to-day basis going through the mundane tasks of life.  It's difficult to see them hanging around the house with Ricki living the boring married life.  

If Emily is just now finding out about what Arie does and who he is, why has she kept him around so long?  Because she loves kissing him and he's attractive (now that his hair is short).  That's not much of a foundation for a couple that could potentially be engaged in two weeks time.  This is most likely due to the nature of the show, but they haven't had the time to discover what they should love about each other and what qualities each of them have that will keep them together in the long-run.  Their relationship is based mostly off of physical attractiveness, and so the highlight of their relationship was their first kiss and it hasn't gotten any better since.  If Emily and Arie are going to work, they have to begin to discover the traits and qualities each possess that matter and that will get better over time.  The quality they're investing in right now has a short shelf life, and when it's gone, on what foundation will they be able to stand?  

Jef

"Don't they look great together?

"When we were on the ferris wheel in London I never wanted to come down and when we were on the floor in Prague I never wanted to get up."

That was a great line from Jef.  I am continually impressed by him, and anyone who doubts that he's in the driver's seat right now is fooling themselves.  Arie needs to be taking some notes.  Jef's asking all the right questions, saying all the right things, and denying her the fantasy suite.  Suck on that, Emily!  That was a great move and I'm surprised no one else did the same (even though Arie didn't have a chance, there's no way he would have said no to the fantasy suite - he was built for that).  As opposed to Arie, I can picture Jef living the day-to-day life with Emily. For some reason it's so much more natural to picture them as a married couple, going through life with Emily's horde of kids she wants.  

Despite how well Jef is doing, I can't help but get the feeling that he's not as genuine as he seems and that he's very skilled at winning people over and making them believe he's a certain way.  At the same time, I realize that my opinion is biased because here in Utah Valley we hear rumors and stories from people who "knew" Jef or who "dated" him and who say that he's trouble.  However, in the end I can only judge Jef from what I've seen on the show, and what I've seen so far makes me think he's a good guy.  I have no right to judge the man because of the gossip I've heard, right?  So Jef, I'm sorry I've been judging you.  You don't deserve that. Go.  Take Emily's hand and lead her to salvation.  

Conclusion

As vain and shallow as the Bachelorette is, there are things we can learn from it and things we can decide to do in our lives because of what we have learned.

(1) We can decide to not judge others, but give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  Everyone has a good side, and if that's what we focus on that's what we'll see.  A wise man named Gordon B. Hinckley once said:

"When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it.  But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles."

(2) In our relationships, we can decide to find and focus on the qualities that really matter.  We can choose to look on the heart, rather than on the outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7).  It is those qualities that will matter in the long run.  

(3) And finally, we can decide to truly invest ourselves in our relationships.  We can take the emotional risk that is commitment and decide to love with all we are.  It can be a little scary and for some it can be downright terrifying.  But if we ever want to reach any level of deep intimacy, it's a step we all must take.