Here's to Good Friends

Before I get into what I really want to talk about, I have some thoughts about this week's Bachelorette's episode, like always.

Thought #1: Something was different about Emily ...
Anybody want to guess what I'm referring to?  For all the crap about Emily wanting to be a good role model for her daughter, she sure has no problem showing off her boob job to the world.  No way that wasn't a brand new chest.  Everyone loves Emily, but the author is not a big fan.

Thought #2: Love me some Ryan

Yes, Ryan is a chauvinistic pig, but at least he knows it and can have fun with it.  A theme of recent Men/Women Tell All episodes has been the redemption of one of the season's villains.  It worked for Michelle Money two seasons ago, didn't work for Courtney last season, and I think it worked for Ryan here.  He can laugh at how stupid he is and I think that's cool.  That's unlike Chris who is a complete idiot but doesn't know it.  Speaking of which ...

Thought #3: Chris is a complete idiot

"I'm talking right now!!!"

One of my favorite moments of the show (besides when Chris yelled "I'm talking right now!") was right after Sean finished talking about how his heartbreak ended up helping him and opening his eyes (more on this later).  Chris then literally repeated the exact words Sean had just spoken and talked how he also benefited and how he, too, had his eyes opened.  I think Chris was a little upset that his heartbreak wasn't getting the same attention as Sean's, and he wanted all of us to know that he mattered.  He's a man too!!!

Thought #4: Sean
I still love Sean.  You may or may not have read my last blog post about Sean.  I won't go over anything I posted there, but I think my assessment of Sean's situation was pretty accurate.  Anyway, if he's the next bachelor, I'm totally okay with that, even though that probably places me in the minority.  Nonetheless, I'm pulling for it.

Look how sexy he is.

Moving on, I spent this last weekend in California with my best friends who I've known since Junior High.  In 2002, we dubbed ourselves the Brotherhood and now, years later, we had our 10 year reunion, and what a success it was.  All we were missing was our good friends Matthew and Brianna Reynolds, who couldn't come due to a commitment Matt had to the Carolina Panthers.  I love my friends and am amazed that no matter how long it's been since we've seen each other, nothing changes between us.  I hadn't seen Jon Randall since last August, and being with him again was totally normal.  It was as if we had been hanging out together all summer.  I have been blessed beyond measure with amazing friends and consider my relationships with them one of my most cherished possessions.

Classic.

Most likely the largest Brotherhood gathering ever.

One of my favorite quotes is by the great C.S. Lewis

"In friendship we think we have chosen our peers.  In reality, a few years difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choices of one university instead of another, the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting - any of these chances might have kept us apart.  But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, not chances.  A secret Master of Ceremonies has been at work.  Christ, who said to the disciples, 'Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,' can truly say to every group of Christian friends, 'You have not chosen one another, but I have chosen you for one another.'  Friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out.  It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of others."

Like C.S. Lewis says, when you believe in God, you believe that everything happens for a reason and that there are no coincidences when it comes to the people that come into your life.  There are reasons we have the friends we have.  Those reasons may not always be clear, but for me, I know that I would not be where I am today and I would not arrive where I want to go without the influence of the Brotherhood and other great friends.  I believe they were placed in my life for a reason.  All I can do is give thanks everyday for having people in my life like them who care about me and love me unconditionally.  Outside of my family, they are people to whom I could tell anything without any fear of being judged.

I'll share one more quote, from Timothy Ferriss*.  He quoted a study from some guys named Daniel Gilbert and Martin Seligman from Harvard and Princeton, respectively, who made an interesting observation about happiness:

"Mealtime with friends and loved ones is a direct predictor of happiness.  Have at least one 2-3 hour dinner and/or drinks per week - yes, 2-3 hours - with those who make you smile and feel good.  I find the afterglow effect to be the greatest and longest with groups of 5 or more."

 I thought this finding was worthy of note.  I've thought of all the times I've done this and left feeling incredibly content and uplifted.  We're all busy, but I don't think that we'll ever regret investing more of our time in people we love.  While this post is about friends in particular, it can apply to family, extended family, and anyone else we care about.  So whether it's getting together for Sunday dinner at your family's house or going out Thursday nights with your friends, this is one investment we can and should make on a regular basis.

On that note, take five minutes sometime to watch this Ted Talk by Ric Elias, who had a front-row seat on Flight 1549, the plane that crash-landed in the Hudson River in New York in January in 2009.  It's a beautiful message.

The Bachelorette - What We Can Learn

This week's episode might be a turning point in the Bachelor/Bachelorette series. In the future we might remember this week as the week the show turned chaste.  I give props to Emily for denying all the men the chance to "spend more time" with her so they could "talk" together throughout the night.  Let's recap this week's episode and see what the Bachelorette can teach us about life and relationships.

Sean

I really feel for Sean this week, and that's not just because he was my favorite.  For how good a guy he was, I'm surprised at how few people share my love for him. Sean may not have been as charismatic as Jef or as smooth as Arie, but I still stand by my opinion that he was the best man of them all.  I'll admit that he was occasionally awkward and it felt somewhat unnatural when he tried to express his feelings, but I don't believe that was a result of him not being genuine.  I believe Sean is extremely authentic and is a man of no guile.  I believe his claims that what you see with him is what you get.  Unfortunately he just wasn't as charming and suave as the others.  

I believe that before Emily came along, Sean had never fully given his heart to someone.  He hasn't been in many relationships, and although he dated a girl for three years, it sounded like she was much more invested than he was - he loved her but he was not in love, as he said.  Sean has always been the one in the driver's seat.  Has he ever put himself at risk in a relationship?  Has he ever devoted himself to someone without any guarantee of being loved back?  Until Emily, I would answer no to both questions.  This was Sean's first experience of becoming vulnerable enough to give himself completely to someone and what happened?  His heart was broken.  Therein lies the risk that accompanies vulnerability and real commitment.  Sean put himself in a place where he could be hurt because of how much he had invested in Emily.  But at the same time, he also put himself in a place where he could feel more joy than he ever had before.  When we make the decision to totally commit ourselves to someone, we open ourselves up and are able to feel deeper and more real emotions.  But until we make that decision to go all in, the happiness we can feel in our relationship is limited.  Sean's first experience with true vulnerability in a relationship brought him great joy, but also left him devastated.  So what will he do now?  Will he become ever more closed off than before because of how much he was hurt?  Here's to hoping that through this experience, Sean has learned that the only way to experience real emotion in a relationship is by truly investing yourself, even if it does leave you susceptible to heartbreak.  And here's to hoping that he'll be able to make that kind of commitment again.

Arie

For everyone's viewing pleasure, I present once again Arie with long hair. I can't stop posting this picture because no one has ever looked so stupid.  Arie was one of my favorites early on, but I have lost my love for him.  I don't see enough from Arie, and like I've said before, all he and Emily do is make out.  I believe a total of seven words were spoken between them before they were on the deck of the yacht going at it.  That's all they do and Emily knows it.  That's why she had to ask what it is Arie does on a typical day.  Can you believe that they're on their second-to-last date before engagement and Emily doesn't even know what Arie does in his everyday life!?  Only on the Bachelorette could this happen. Furthermore, I can't picture them together on a day-to-day basis going through the mundane tasks of life.  It's difficult to see them hanging around the house with Ricki living the boring married life.  

If Emily is just now finding out about what Arie does and who he is, why has she kept him around so long?  Because she loves kissing him and he's attractive (now that his hair is short).  That's not much of a foundation for a couple that could potentially be engaged in two weeks time.  This is most likely due to the nature of the show, but they haven't had the time to discover what they should love about each other and what qualities each of them have that will keep them together in the long-run.  Their relationship is based mostly off of physical attractiveness, and so the highlight of their relationship was their first kiss and it hasn't gotten any better since.  If Emily and Arie are going to work, they have to begin to discover the traits and qualities each possess that matter and that will get better over time.  The quality they're investing in right now has a short shelf life, and when it's gone, on what foundation will they be able to stand?  

Jef

"Don't they look great together?

"When we were on the ferris wheel in London I never wanted to come down and when we were on the floor in Prague I never wanted to get up."

That was a great line from Jef.  I am continually impressed by him, and anyone who doubts that he's in the driver's seat right now is fooling themselves.  Arie needs to be taking some notes.  Jef's asking all the right questions, saying all the right things, and denying her the fantasy suite.  Suck on that, Emily!  That was a great move and I'm surprised no one else did the same (even though Arie didn't have a chance, there's no way he would have said no to the fantasy suite - he was built for that).  As opposed to Arie, I can picture Jef living the day-to-day life with Emily. For some reason it's so much more natural to picture them as a married couple, going through life with Emily's horde of kids she wants.  

Despite how well Jef is doing, I can't help but get the feeling that he's not as genuine as he seems and that he's very skilled at winning people over and making them believe he's a certain way.  At the same time, I realize that my opinion is biased because here in Utah Valley we hear rumors and stories from people who "knew" Jef or who "dated" him and who say that he's trouble.  However, in the end I can only judge Jef from what I've seen on the show, and what I've seen so far makes me think he's a good guy.  I have no right to judge the man because of the gossip I've heard, right?  So Jef, I'm sorry I've been judging you.  You don't deserve that. Go.  Take Emily's hand and lead her to salvation.  

Conclusion

As vain and shallow as the Bachelorette is, there are things we can learn from it and things we can decide to do in our lives because of what we have learned.

(1) We can decide to not judge others, but give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  Everyone has a good side, and if that's what we focus on that's what we'll see.  A wise man named Gordon B. Hinckley once said:

"When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it.  But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles."

(2) In our relationships, we can decide to find and focus on the qualities that really matter.  We can choose to look on the heart, rather than on the outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7).  It is those qualities that will matter in the long run.  

(3) And finally, we can decide to truly invest ourselves in our relationships.  We can take the emotional risk that is commitment and decide to love with all we are.  It can be a little scary and for some it can be downright terrifying.  But if we ever want to reach any level of deep intimacy, it's a step we all must take.  

Life is Too Short to be Busy

Before I get into this week’s real topic of conversation, I have to pick up where I left off last week and write about the greatest and most ridiculous show on television, the Bachelorette.  My apologies that this post comes but two days before the next episode. 

The Bachelorette

(1) Chris.   Is a complete idiot.  This is courtesy of Grantland.com*:

“In the ‘Producer Interviews You and Tries to Make You Cry’ limo ride, [Chris] dropped a classic on us: ‘I’m 10 times the man than bleeping all those dudes are there!’  Chris, after reviewing footage of you attempting to use a bow and arrow … I disagree.”

*Quick plug for Grantland.com – This is an affiliate site with ESPN.com run by ESPN writer Bill Simmons.  It’s a great mix of pop culture and sports, and since I enjoy both, I make Grantland.com one of the websites I check daily. 

(2) Jef.  Right now he is leading the pack.  That letter he wrote put him in first place and made Emily swoon.  I loved the obviously dubbed-over line when Jef was talking about his parents: “My parents, they are in South Carolina doing charity work.”  What was it that was so controversial that they had to insert “doing charity work”? 

“My parents, they are in South Carolina (1) serving as missionaries,  (2) thrusting in their sickle with their might ,  (3) pruning the Lord’s vineyard, (4) due to a call from the current Prophet of God, Thomas S. Monson, (5) preparing the way for the Second Coming.  And I could go on.  While all those are true statements, I must refrain due to my strong tendency to commit blasphemy and speak sacrilege. 

(3) Sean.  I am not ashamed to admit that Sean is my favorite on the show, even though he is a more bland than Jef and Arie.  He is the most upright, moral, and manly of the remaining three, but he lacks the edge that Arie and Jef have.  I’m not sure I even know what that means, but he’s missing something.  The chemistry between Sean and Emily just isn’t what it should be.  And there were a couple of moments when he slipped his tongue inside Emily’s mouth that were pretty painful.  Furthermore, Sean’s practical jokes didn’t go over that well with Emily.  I loved the idea of pretending he lived at home, but as funny as the idea was, it just didn’t pan out.  Emily didn’t laugh very much, and Sean’s admittance that, yes, it was a joke, was poor.  His delivery was bad.  We haven’t really seen a funny, joking side to Sean yet, so perhaps that attributed to how bad the joke played out. 

But besides all of that, I believe that a Sean/Emily combination would be the combination that would have the greatest chance of staying together.  Unfortunately, when was the last time the Bachelor/Bachelorette chose the person that was best for him/her?  Ben and Courtney?  Jake and Vienna?  Brad and Emily?  We all thought Allie/Roberto was a good match and now he’s the next Bachelor.  In the words of Arie’s mom: “Normally when you are the one proposing, you are not being the Bachelor, so I am kind of surprised to see you there.”  I’ll admit that Ashley and JP are going strong, but they are definitely the exception and not the rule.  So mark my words when I say that Emily will not choose Sean, and it won’t work out with whoever else she chooses.

(4) Arie.  I don’t have a lot to say about Arie.  If you weren’t able to catch the picture of him with the long hair, I've been kind enough to provide you with this picture.  It makes you see him in a different way.  If Arie wants to regain the lead from Jef, I think it’s time he does something special for Emily.  Up until this point Arie has relied on (1) the fact that his and Emily’s relationship was stronger than everyone else’s, and (2) his passionate kissing.  Jef and Sean have finally caught up to him, and Jef took the lead with the puppets and then furthered his lead with the letter.  Arie needs to do something like that.  If he could have beat Jef to the sappy love letter, he’d be cruising.  But alas, he now finds himself in the position no one wants to be in: the early front-runner who never took the next step because they were so confident in what they thought was the best relationship (think Kaci from Ben’s season).  He’s in a dangerous spot right now, and although I think he’ll make it to the finale, he’s got to do something pretty great this week to have a chance at beating Jef. 

(5) The Fantasy Bachelorette.  My team is amazing.  

(6) Burning Love.  On a semi-related note, anyone who watches the Bachelor/Bachelorette series should check out “Burning Love”.  Ben Stiller has made a great web series spoofing my favorite television show.  I’ve watched all 11 episodes so far and I can hardly wait for the next ones (they come out every Monday and Thursday).  Each episode is only about 8-10 minutes, which makes it really easy to justify watching “one more.” 

The “Busy” Trap

It is now time to move on to a more serious and practical discussion.  Every time I write about something as trivial and as stupid as the Bachelorette, I feel I need to write about something that has meaning in order to compensate for any brain cells I might have lost while focusing my mind on the ridiculous topic that is the Bachelorette.  In that Spirit, I’d like to share a great article I read by author/New York Times writer Tim Kreider called The “Busy” Trap.  If you'd like to read the full article, click here.  

There are three main ideas that I want to talk about in relation to this article:

                (1) Why people want to be busy

“They’re busy because of their own ambition or drive or anxiety, because they’re addicted to busyness and dread what they might have to face in its absence.  …  They feel anxious or guilty when they aren’t either working or doing something to promote their work. …  Busyness serves as a kind of existential reassurance, a hedge against emptiness; obviously your life cannot possibly be silly or trivial or meaningless if you are so busy, completely booked, in demand every hour of the day.”

The author’s explanation about why we desire so much to be busy is spot-on.  For some reason, we feel validated and of worth when we are busy and when we are being “productive.”  Society tells us that if we are taking a break and being idle that we are being unproductive and that we should feel guilty.  I have been a victim of these feelings and still am, although I am trying to improve and embrace time away from being busy.  That can be hard when one has been conditioned his or her entire life to avoid idleness at all cost. 

                (2) The importance of idleness

I already told you that I had a tendency to speak blasphemies every so often, so saying that idleness is important should only add fuel to that flame.  I imagine you could quote to me ten or fifteen scriptures that say things like “thou shalt not be idle” or “refrain from idleness”, and I would say that there is truth to those statements.  Too much idleness is a bad thing, but it’s true that too much of anything is a bad thing, and that includes busyness and having too many things to do.  While the scriptures teach that we should not be idle, they also teach that Jesus often “withdrew himself into the wilderness” (Luke 5:16) to get away from the pressures of His ministry and to spend time being, in a sense, idle. 

“Idleness is not just a vacation, and indulgence or a vice; it is as indispensable to the brain as vitamin D is to the body, and deprived of it we suffer a mental affliction as disfiguring as rickets.  The space and quiet that idleness provides is a necessary condition for standing back from life and seeing it whole, for making unexpected connections and waiting for the wild summer lightning strikes of inspiration – it is, paradoxically, necessary to getting any work done.”

So don’t feel bad about being “idle.”  Realize that it’s lot more important than one more class, one more client, one more workout, or one more chore. 

                (3) Life is too short to be busy

                This is my favorite quote from the article:

“I did make a conscious decision, a long time ago, to choose time over money, since I’ve always understood that the best investment of my limited time on earth was to spend it with people I love.  I suppose it’s possible I’ll lie on my deathbed regretting that I didn’t work harder and say everything I had to say, but I think what I’ll really wish is that I could have one more beer with Chris, another long talk with Megan, and one last good hard laugh with Boyd.  Life is too short to be busy.”           

               

It all comes down to what we value in life.  “For where you treasure is, there will your heart be also” (Matthew 6:21).  If we amass too many treasures on earth and not enough in heaven, there will come a day that we wish we could do it over again.  On the flip side, we will never regret having too many treasures in heaven.  Treasures in heaven begin and end with relationships, and I think that’s the final point the author is trying to make.  So perhaps the next time you think you should choose work over family or school over friends, remember that there is a time and place for being idle, for letting go of busyness, and for embracing and enjoying what really matters in life, and that time is always.