The Bachelor Episode 4: Retro Photo Diary

As I scoured the internet for quality Bachelor photographs like I do after every episode, I realized after about half an hour that I had quite a collection.  So following in the steps of my favorite writer, the great Bill Simmons, I'll take you through a retro photo diary of The Bachelor, Episode 4.

I can't think of a better way to start an episode than to get a nice shot of Daniella without any makeup on.

Tierra.  Woof.

Wait, yes I can.  Grumpy ol' Tierra with no makeup!  Speaking of Tierra, can someone please explain to me what is going on with her forehead?  She has the strangest dent/dimple/scar that comes out every now and then.  See below.

I was told it was a scar from the chicken pox?  Could be, but I'm going to stick to my story that she's an alien. The little dent makes her kind of look like a klingon from Star Trek.  

Yeah, she's not that far off.

The streak continues.  Four episodes, four shots of Sean half-naked, albeit in a different setting this time.  The producers must have figured out we caught on to Sean's little blue shorts, so they got rid of them.  Then they decided not to replace the shorts, leaving us with a lovely shot of Sean in his skimpies.  There he was, walking past the camera bare-chested, as we're so accustomed to seeing, and then boom!  He's got no pants on. Kind of caught me by surprise.  Let's take a moment and remember that this is the same guy who, as a contestant on the Bachelorette, was so hesitant to take his shirt off for Emily's friends.  If I remember correctly, he said something about not wanting to be the guy that takes his shirt off on national television, blah blah blah. I guess he's changed his views a bit.  But hey, I'm not complaining!  I mean, yes I am.  Umm...

Yeah, 110 lbs in your bra.

"I always liked her from the beginning."  This from my mom as we watched on Monday (she's hooked now).  I, on the other hand, have not liked Selma from the beginning, but surprisingly, I really liked her on this date.  She moves up in my book.  You know how the Bachelor takes the ladies on these crazy dates, and then afterwards says how much he likes that they're "up for anything?"  Here's the thing: anybody can do anything once for the Bachelor on national television.  If Sean ended up with Selma, I can guarantee you they're never hiking again. And in case you were wondering (I was), Selma is 5"2.

This is Lesley's face as Sean picked up Selma and took her away.  To say the least, she didn't look very pleased.  Although she wasn't too happy, can we we take a moment to admire how good Lesley looks right here?  Thanks.  

Did anyone else think Selma had some really awkward sitting/laying/sprawling positions like this one?  Take it easy and sit normal, woman.  Plenty of time to get close later on, unless your family forbids it, of course. Speaking of that, I think a Selma hometown date would be one of the most awkward moments of the season, which is why I am rooting for it with all of my heart.  Pasty white American Sean meets first generation Iraqi family.  The producers would be robbing us of something great if Selma left.  

"You no kiss Sean!"  

This picture reminds me of my dog.  Sometimes he'll get into my bed late at night and try to squeeze under the covers, but I never let him, regardless of how many times he tries to get his nose in there.  Poor Sean really wanted a kiss.  You can tell just looking at the poor sap.  This was a very risky move by Selma, and my guess is that it lasts another episode until she finally succumbs.  They always do.

This is what we should have been treated to during the roller derby date.  Sadly, we were treated to this instead:

Lame!

Yeah, this might not have been the best date for Sarah, but at least Sean didn't invite her to the volleyball game.  

At least we got to see Amanda eat it.  That was one positive from the date.  Props to Sean for not giving her a pity rose.  

This date really picked up during the night cap.  Tierra's manipulating ways were on full display.  She's always coming up with a new scheme.  This episode she employed the seek-Bachelor-out-and-threaten-to-go-home technique, which was used less than a year ago by the eventual winner Courtney.  For Sean's sake, can we entertain the possibility that Tierra isn't as bad as she seems?  Michelle Money was portrayed very poorly in Brad's season, but she turned out to be awesome, albeit still a little crazy.  As much as I'd like to give Tierra the benefit of the doubt, I don't think that's the case here.  Sean really is that stupid.  

Once Sean lost his mind and decided to go get Tierra the rose, these were her facial expressions.  Notice how they change from the top left, to the top right, and finally to the bottom.  She knew she won.  These pictures are proof (as if we needed any) that this was all an act.    

Lindsay makes this lovely face after Sean picks up the rose for Tierra.  I've never been more attracted to her.  

I want to say this date started out with promise, but Sean didn't even look that happy putting the necklace on, at least when compared to Leslie's huge smile (is it any wonder that she played the role of Julia Roberts, another wide-mouthed woman, on this date?).  

"This whole date has been set up to enhance the romance.  Today's date is the most romantic date I could possibly dream up and tonight at dinner I'm hoping something will click.  If I was ever going to have that romantic feeling about Leslie, tonight would be the night."

Sean said that right before dinner, and that's when I grew suspicious that he was sending Leslie home.  My suspicions were confirmed when there was NO music during the dinner.  How we feel while watching the Bachelor is dictated by the music being played, and no music is never a good sign.

Up to this point in the show we hadn't had an elimination from a one-on-one date, so I should have seem this coming.  On most every season of the Bachelor, there's a girl with whom "the connection just isn't there", and it frustrates the Bachelor so much because she's such a "phenomenal girl."  More often than not, the discovery of "no connection" is found out during a one-on-one date.  Sean claimed that he "wanted that romantic connection to click", but I know better.  He was relieved to have the WNBA player, er, I mean poker dealer gone.

Sean, pretending to care about sending Leslie home.  He's as good an actor as Tierra is.  She should teach him how to cry.  He can always do it Bill Murray style: "My dog is dead ... "

The producers really tried hard to make this scene dramatic, but I'm sorry, I just don't buy Sean's claim that he began to doubt himself after sending Leslie home.  It was Leslie, people!!  They should have saved the falling rose dramatics for a more worthy girl.  

The rose ceremony was underwhelming.  I was really hoping he'd send two girls home (namely, Amanda and Daniella), but instead he dragged out Daniella's "incredible journey" for another week.  

She's not impressed.  

I did get half my wish though, as Sean finally sent home Amanda who (and I'm noticing this for the first time) lives in my neck of the woods.  Two summers ago at the U.S. Surfing Open, I saw Ryan from Ashley's season. Yes, we screamed his name, and yes, we tried to chase him down, but he proved very elusive.  My new goal is to find Amanda.  That's it, I'm looking up her twitter right now ...  Didn't find it.  But I did find her Linkedin page (I didn't know models had or needed Linkedin profiles), and I found out she had a history of drunken arrests before appearing on the Bachelor.  That doesn't surprise me for some reason.

Power Rankings

1. Desiree ( - ).

2. Lesley ( - ).

3. AshLee ( - ).

4. Lindsay ( +1 ).

5. Sarah ( -1 ).

6. Selma ( +2 ).

7. Catherine ( +1 ).

8. Robyn ( -2 ).

9. Jackie ( -2 ).

10. Daniella ( - ).

11. Tierra ( - ).

Predictions

Last Week: 0-2
Season: 1-7

The next three to leave:
1) Daniella, 2) Jackie, 3) Tierra.

I don't know how I feel about 4 hours of The Bachelor over the course of two days.  I mean, I love this show more than anyone, but can I really stomach four hours?  I absorb so much of this show I get confused when every woman I meet doesn't automatically start swooning over me.  Is that a problem?  Nah.

Next week we'll be treated to another competition date.

And yes, Sean's making Sarah carry bails of hay along with other challenges.  Should be exciting.

The Bachelor Episode 3 Highlights

One of the best places to write is on an airplane, and that's where most of this was written.  I survived twelve straight days of training at Deloitte University, and while it was a long time, I had a lot more fun than I thought I would.  The facility is amazing, I met some great people, and I'm actually a little sad to leave it behind.

I mentioned that while at training, I did karaoke for the first time ever.  Why didn't I discover this before?  It's so fun!  I figure I missed out on it because growing up in stone-cold sober Utah isn't conducive to people making fools of themselves.  Most people need a lot of booze in their system before they dare the karaoke stage.  Not me though.  When all was said and done I sang on four separate occasions, and I've started making a list of great karaoke songs from which I can pull whenever the moment arises.  If you have some good song suggestions, I'd love to hear them.  And if you ever decide you want to sing karaoke, I want in.  Just to convince you I'm a good karaoke companion, here's a 52-second clip of my first karaoke performance, Back at One by Brian Mcknight.  Please ignore the weird hand-touching I do with whatever random girl was sitting next to the camera, and please ignore the note I totally botched around 0:36.

How's that for proof, Michelle?  Speaking of karaoke, wouldn't that be an awesome group date for the Bachelor?  A bunch of desperate men or women desperately trying to impress a member of the opposite sex? It would be incredible.  I think this date would tell the Bachelor a lot about the girls.  At least a lot more than some lame a-- photo shoot.  The karaoke date would separate the wheat from the tares.  You'd see which girls had a sense of humor, and which were willing to have fun and put themselves out there.  By the end of the date I think the Bachelor would have a pretty good idea of who should stay and who should go.  You can't lose on this date, Bachelor.  Come on!  Do it!

Personally, when I go on the Bachelorette and they have this date I'm singing I'll Make Love to You by Boyz II Men.  I submit there is no greater karaoke love (sex) song than that.  I actually tried to sign up to sing this song while in Texas, but I was told it was too direct for a corporate event, and that it wasn't allowed.  Their loss.

Anyway, we need to move on.  Let it be known that I watched this episode by myself and got seven pages of notes down.  It was a good week.  Here are some of my highlights:

Change your shorts.  

1. The Workout Montage

We've been through three weeks of the Bachelor, and in each one we've started the same way: with shots of a shirtless Sean (kind of a tongue-twister) pumping weights and hitting the treadmill while he gives us a monologue about his situation.  I'm excited to see how long they can keep this going.  Let's make it four in a row on Monday!  On more thing we might need to monitor: I'm pretty sure he's wearing the same blue shorts for all of his workouts.

2. The Competition Date

Wasn't that awkward when Chris showed up
out of nowhere in a shirt and slacks?

We were treated to one of my favorite Bachelor dates: the Competition Date.  This is where the already-too-competitive women get split into two teams for the grand prize of, as Chris put it, "serious quality alone time with Sean!"  That's what was on the line, but from the way the girls talked, you'd think it was much more.

"If we don't win, I'm not gonna get to spend time with Sean.  And I need time with Sean."

"It's freaking me out.  I want to win.  I need to win."

"There's a lot at stake today.  I not only want more time with Sean, I need more time with Sean.  I need to win this game."

Do we see a pattern here?  Those were from Catherine, Des, and Lindsay.  My favorite, however, came from Taryn:

"This volleyball game is the most important game of my life - the only one I'll ever play that has something riding on it.  You're talking about your heart here.  You're talking about more time with a guy that could be yours forever.  It's that big of a deal."  

That sounds really serious!  And you know what, maybe they're right.  Two of the three girls (Kristy & Taryn) were on the losing team and they went home.  My guess is that another one from the losing team (Leslie or Daniella) would also have gone home if Kacie hadn't completely self-destructed (more on that later).  I'm done underestimating the importance of the Competition Date.  I'm with the girls.  They need to win that date.  Wait a minute, what if they had a Karaoke Competition Date?  Split the girls up in two teams, have them sing in front of a live audience, and have the audience decide which team won.  Winning team stays, losing team goes.  Man, that's a great idea, and there's more where that comes from.  How can I become a producer for this show?

Awkward fist pump!  Lindsay can't even look.

3. Kacie

Perhaps the best way to talk about Kacie would be to go through what I wrote in my notes as I watched.  I think that would sum up my thoughts about her demise.  Here's the running diary, starting when Kacie first approaches Sean to talk about Des and Amanda:

"Kacie - don't freaking talk about anything!  Don't you remember how you buried yourself in Ben's season!?  Don't!!"

"What the h--l are you doing?  You are so stupid.  Why are you talking?"

"HE PROBABLY SAW BEN'S SEASON!!! Kacie you are so full of CRAP!!"

"I feel so awkward watching this."

"Kacie, that was the worst move you ever could have pulled.  Seriously, WTF?  Seriously, WTF?  WTF?  WTF?"

Then, throughout the rest of the show:

"I kind of like Kacie's dress ... You freaking better make up for it, Kacie.  Don't screw it up!"

"Why is Kacie so full of drama?  Be cool!!!!!  Don't be stupid!!!!!"

"Kacie, you freaking blew it.  You SUCK.  You SUCK.  You SUCK.  You SUCK.  Holy crap!  Kacie, you stupid idiot, why couldn't you keep your mouth shut?" 

I was really harsh on her, yes.  But that's because she was my first-round draft pick!  She was supposed to take my team to the promised land!  Who else can I rely on?  Amanda?  Catherine?  Sarah and her dog?  I'm doomed!!!!  Why was I so high on Kacie?  Thinking about her just pisses me off.  You want to see the scariest picture of her I've ever seen?

HI SEAN!

4. The Other Dates

When I first saw the 3:15, I thought it was three hours and fifteen minutes.  But no.  Three minutes and fifteen seconds?  Is that really the longest on-screen kiss, because that's pretty weak.  The only other thing I'll mention about this date is how robotic Sean was.  Right from the get-go Lesley was all up in Sean's business (not like that).  She had her hands in his hair, on his face, etc.  Sean, on the other hand, kept his hands moving from her lower back to middle back, and nowhere else.  COME ON SEAN!!  Did Arie teach you nothing?  Why did you even meet with him?  You've got to put on a show in that situation and get into it.  Okay, I've said my peace. Wait, one more thing to mention.  Did anyone else notice this guy?

He looks like he wants to set a record with Chris.

The second single date was the better of the two.  You may not believe this, but this was the first time I've ever got emotional watching the Bachelor.  It teared me up a bit.  You'd think my heart would have been touched at some point during my three year relationship with this show, but no.  This was a first. AshLee's story was quite touching, and I thought their date with Emily and Brianna was really cool.  I would have preferred that date over some of the other more exciting and exotic dates.

5. Notable Quotes

"The date card said 'who will win my heart', so I think it's definitely some kind of competition."

Wow, thanks Sherlock, er, I mean Catherine.  The powers of deduction are strong in this one.

"Oh my gosh.  I am just so amazed by you.  You're everything I'm looking for, you're like, hands down on paper and I feel chemistry."

Those words in that order were actually spoken by Lindsay.  Read it again and try to make sense of it. I can't. I'm not sure what it means for Sean to be "hands down on paper."

"I had no idea I would have feelings for girls this early, and one week into it I find myself really digging a lot of women, and it's blowing me away right now."

Sean is surprised that he finds himself, in his words, "digging" a lot women this early.  Why should he be surprised?  If I were constantly being fawned over by 20 beautiful women, I think I'd also find myself, in my words, "sweatin' on" a lot of women.

"So, I have something super serious to talk to you about.  When you were describing what you look for in a woman, well, you're looking at her."

Sick, Amanda.  Sean wasn't convinced.  None of us are.  Wait while I throw up in my mouth.

"Do you want to taste the chocolate?"

"Yes."

"Which chocolate do you want to taste?"

I cannot wait to see this awkward interaction between Sean and Robyn play out next episode.

6. Power Rankings

1. Desiree ( - ).  No reason to move Des down, despite the fact she was the last girl to receive a rose.  I don't understand why they kept her until the end.  Has it ever been more obvious who was going to receive the final rose?

2. Lesley ( - ).  Despite her Ashley-like open-back dress, Lesley remains right on Des' coattails.  Can I take this moment to say how much I hate open-back dresses?

Three of the top five.

3. AshLee ( +1 ).  I'm leapfrogging AshLee over Sarah, but not quite past Lesley since she, too, had a good one-on-one date.  I think AshLee and Sean would be a good match.  Unfortunately, we all know that once someone becomes the Bachelor they begin to suffer from some strange disease that makes them pick someone who would be terrible for them, so AshLee will make it to hometowns and no farther.

4. Sarah ( -1 ).  For the second time ever, the Bachelor made me tear up.  Maybe I was already emotional from AshLee's date, but seeing that dog greet Sarah got to me.  Probably just because I love dogs.  And maybe because Sarah is the last hope I have of my Fantasy team making any noise this year, but I'm not that hopeful.  I think Sarah's ceiling is fifth place.

5. Lindsay ( +3 ).  Lindsay makes the biggest jump of the week; I knew she'd come around.  I really like her and I finally figured out who Lindsay reminds me of: Pam from the office.

They even tilt their heads the same way.  And they both wear wedding dresses.

6. Robyn ( - ).  "Let's ditch these bi---es and fall in love fo' real!"  You tell 'em Robyn!  I think it's time to remind ourselves why Robyn is ranked so high:

That's why.

7. Jackie ( - ).  We better hear from Jackie before she gets "Taryn'd" (new phrase for good-looking, seemingly awesome girl who gets kicked off before we get a chance to know her).  

8. Catherine ( - ).  Catherine won't be around for too much longer, I fear.  She reminds me too much of a little kid.  She was the recipient of Sean's go-to move though:

I think that's her ....

9. Selma ( - ).  It would appear that next week we'll finally see more of Selma.

10. Leslie ( +1).  Only moves up because I hate Tierra.

11. Daniella ( +1).  See #10.

12. Tierra ( -2 ).  The only thing that can save Tierra from claiming the bottom spot is Amanda.  Tierra is a sick, manipulating, conniving little hussy.  I wonder how long she was waiting at her window waiting for Sean so she could fall down the stairs.  The timing was a little too perfect.  Once she realized she was going to get a diagnosis that said "Nothing wrong - girl crazy", she wanted no part of the medical help.  My guess is that if Tierra had been on AshLee's date, she would have complained when she found out she'd have had to share Sean with two other girls, even if those girls were suffering from a life-threatening disease and were about to have all of their dreams come true.

13. Amanda ( - ).  I don't care about winning Fantasy Bachelor anymore.  Just get her off this show.  Please.

Not my best season.  Note: the pink ponies were not my doing, I swear.  I was in Dallas.

We're saying goodbye to:

Kacie.  Enough has already been said, and she already got a picture.  We'll give the other two a couple great farewell pictures.

Taryn.  Poor Taryn.  I really wish we saw more of her.  Oh well.  Isn't that a freaky picture?  She's looks like some kind of alien, monster, Godzilla, whatever.  Maybe Sean got it right when he kicked her off ...

Aaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!

Kristy.  We went from Kristy winning the model date, then to whatever she was doing in that picture below, and finally to her breakdown after the all-important volleyball game.  She seems like a good fit for the Bachelor Pad. My guess is that we'll see her there.

Stop it.

7. Predictions

Last week: 0-3
Season: 1-5

It's been a rough start to the season, but I get better as the game goes along, I swear.  Please keep reading! Don't leave!  Please!  Now, the next three girls to go, in order, will be 1) Daniella, 2) Jackie, and 3) Amanda.  I swear I'll get this right soon.  At some point Daniella and Amanda will have to go home.  The only thing keeping Leslie out of my predictions is the fact that I think she gets a single date this next week.  Other than that she'd have taken Jackie's place.

Monday should be exciting.  We get to see a bunch of eager, frantic women roller skating for Sean's heart.  I'm pretty sure Sarah is on this date (she's in the back), which could get awkward.  I just hope Tierra is there as well.  She'll be dropping bows.

Episode 2 - The Absurdity of the Bachelor

I think every post should begin with the monkey photo-bombing Sean's make-out session.  It's this season's Bachelor logo.  Way better than some montage of roses or this terribly queer photo of Sean.  Man, that's a lame picture.  We're going with the monkey!

Last Sunday I arrived in Dallas, Texas to seek out the Sean, and hopefully get an interview with him for the blog.  Just kidding.  I am in Dallas, but I'm here to attend some work training.  When I say some, I mean a ton.  They've got us here until the 25th of January, which is a really long time.  Thirteen days to be exact.  However, when you're at a place as nice as this (the video doesn't do it justice), you can't complain too much.  Since I've been here I've gone dancing almost every night, solo-karaoked for the first time and raced armadillos (weird, right?).  I bring my stay in Dallas up to apologize for the delay in posting.  We don't have a lot of free time here.  That being said, I'll jump right in with some quick notes from episode two:

1. The Helicopter

Will there ever come a time when the girls don't get totally and inexplicably giddy when they see the Bachelor coming to pick up someone in a helicopter?  "Are you kidding me?  Shut up!  Oh my gosh!"  Have they never seen this stupid show?  Kacie, with complete and utter awe in her voice, said: "Oh my gosh, Sean is picking her up in a helicopter.  Not a car, not any normal mode of transportation ... a helicopter."  She was on the show! She really can't remember the numerous times she rode in the whirlybird with Ben?

2. The Absurdity of the "Height" Date  

Here we have one of the standard (usually early in the show) Bachelor dates.  The one where the Bachelor takes his "unsuspecting" date in a helicopter to a tall location, where she nervously asks what they could possibly be doing at such an altitude.  The Bachelor then explains that yes (cue foreboding music), they will be making their way down there with some sort of apparatus tied to their bodies.  The potential soul mate then cannot believe that they would do such a thing.  Then we are treated to phrases like these, heard last night:

"[Insert Bachelor name] knows I can do it, and he's gonna be here to do it with me."

"As long as he's, like, holding me next to him and we're going to take this plunge together, I'll do it."

 "We're in this together.  My heart is racing a mile a minute, and the only thing keeping me calm is [insert Bachelor name]."

Finally, as the now-bonded couple floats gently to the ground, we hear stuff like this, also from last night:

"Yes, we really just [insert activity here].  It was such a sense of relief and also a sense of accomplishment.  We did this.  We did it together."

"The way [she] handled it, [she's] up for anything. ... It was a nice bonding experience.  I feel closer to [insert potential lover name]."

"There's nothing I'm scared of.  The only thing in the world I could have ever thought I'd be scared of - [insert activity here].  And I did it with [insert Bachelor name]." 

They were only able to accomplish such a feat with each other's support, and because they did, they are now close and probably in love.  Nothing makes me cringe like the dialogue during the "Height" Date.

3. Love vs. Infatuation

Since this season has started, I've had to explain to numerous people the reasons I watch and write about the Bachelor.  I won't take the time here to enumerate those reasons.  Instead, I will explain and clarify one reason I do not watch.  I do not watch because I believe in the process the contestants go through in order to, as the show so often puts it, "find love."  There might be some people who believe us Bachelor faithful actually have faith that true love really is the end result of each season.  But no.

What the contestants go through on this show is most definitely not love, but infatuation.  Take sweet little Sarah for example.  Sarah's dealings with Sean have consisted of a) a small conversation at the opening cocktail party and b) a single date.  After the date she said the following: "I feel like I'm falling in love with Sean." No you're not.  You are infatuated with Sean.  You like him.  You want to get to know him more.  I can assure you that you are not falling in love with him.  Not yet, and probably not ever while your relationship is still being televised for all to see.  I've always wondered how many of the contestants sign up truly believing that, if they won, the resulting relationship would be a healthy one based on real love.  They can't all be that naive, can they?

I believe that love takes a lot more than three months of polygamous dating, and is much, much deeper than anything reality TV contestants experience.  I obviously haven't experienced it, making me no authority on the subject, but I can write whatever I dang well please here, so I will.  I'll give two reasons why Bachelor-produced love doesn't work.

First.  Two people cannot truly love each other unless they are totally committed to each other.  Real commitment cannot result from this show considering the Bachelor is dating twenty women at once, giving a piece of his heart here and another piece there.  You know when the parents of the contestants are concerned about the Bachelor dating so many other woman?  Well, they have a right to be concerned!  They understand what I believe: that dating that many woman messes the Bachelor up for a while.  He gets so used to that style of dating and having that kind of attention that when the time comes for him to settle down with the one he "loves", he's unable to do it for more than a few months.  The irony of the show is that while its "goal" is to finally let this poor, unlucky-at-relationships guy find true love, it actually ruins his ability to love and commit himself to one person.

The second reason has to do with reality vs. life on the Bachelor.  The Bachelor's relationships with the woman do not resemble reality in any way, shape, or form.  They live an insane lifestyle for three months, traveling to exotic places and doing crazy, exciting things.  They don't experience the vicissitudes of day-to-day living. Everything is, no pun intended, roses.  Not being able to interact with the Bachelor in a real world setting, the ladies see the Bachelor only as the perfect man.  In Sean's case, all they see is someone who is nice, family-oriented, sincere, sweet, etc.  In their eyes, he has no flaws.  Then the show ends, and the Bachelor chooses his girl and they go off to live in a world they haven't been prepared for.  Time passes, the winner sees flaws she never saw before, and real life happens.  They have to deal with work, time commitments and everything else that normal people experience.  The relationship falls apart, and another Bachelor-produced couple falls by the wayside.

I know I said two reasons, but let me bring up a third point.  The commitment that accompanies winning this show and the relationship that the winners arrive at don't match up.  The commitment is that they'll head toward marriage.  The relationship they have is no stronger than any two- or three-week relationship in the real world. What happens at the end of the Bachelor is like taking two people who have been dating for three weeks, telling them they're going to get married, and then tracking their every move after that.  Sound like a recipe for success?  I didn't think so.  Before a couple can take that kind of pressure upon deciding to get married, they better have reached a deeper love - one built on commitment and time spent together.  They better have reached a point where they can see flaws and love one another despite them, and, in the words of C.S. Lewis, "have love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other."  

4. Fantasy Bachelor Teams Announced

This now sits at my cube at work.

The teams don't have names yet, but they have been chosen.

Team 1 (Lindsay Queyrel): Tierra, Selma, Lesley, Robyn
Team 2 (Derek Welling): AshLee, Lindsay, Kristy, Jackie
Team 3 (Colleen Johnson): Desiree, Taryn, Diana, Katie
Team 4 (Craig Swindlehurst): Kacie, Sarah, Catherine, Amanda
Undrafted Free Agents: Leslie, Brooke, Daniella

The teams were chosen after the first episode, and I'll be honest, I don't love my team.  I won't get into which team I think will win.  Not in this post.  The next section will give you an idea of which team I think is best.

Power Rankings

No blog post is complete without the Power Rankings.  Here we go.

1. Desiree ( - ).  How is Desiree not the front-runner?  My knock on her (or my knock on the producers) is that there's no way she didn't know the falling vase was coming.  She must of known because her reaction was too calm for that situation, and I think I even caught her looking at the camera.  That's my only complaint.  That being said, can someone tell me the last time the early front-runner ended up winning the show?  The only one I can think of is maybe J.P., and I'm not even sure he was the early front-runner.  The rest (Arie, Kacie B., Chantal) all lost.  So while she might be "winning" now, I don't think she'll be the last one standing.

2. Lesley (+8).  Sean really likes Lesley, and with reason.  I'm surprised she slipped past me.  After last episode, she's right there with Desiree.  That makes my two original picks for dark horses the two front-runners.  Interesting.

3. Kacie (-1).  I'm starting to get mixed feelings about Kacie.  I think she's a little smug - does anyone else get the vibe that she thinks she's a lot cooler than everyone else?  Plus when she laughs she cackles - go back and watch last episode.  She's like a hyena.  Also, when she got the rose on the group date she stated that all she wanted was "ten more."  She's actually counting down the roses.  Man, you are one pathetic loser.  Didn't like her this week.  

4. Sarah (-1).  Sarah gets the first one-on-one date, and consequently nabs the first real kiss of the show.  So props to her.  My one concern with Sarah is everything seems to be about the arm (or better said, the lack thereof).  She brings it up all the time, whether it's in interviews or with Sean.  Chances are it's the producers doing, but we need to hear less about it.  It's time to move on.  However, I'm still waiting for a really awkward moment to happen, like one of the following: a) Sean goes in for a double high five (oops), or b) he goes down too far as he's rubbing her arm, and slips off the end.

5. AshLee (+1).  Did you know there's a certification to become a professional organizer?  And that experienced organizers can charge well over $100 per hour?  In fact, I read that "it's not unheard of for a certified personal organizer to charge $1,500 per day of services."  $1,500 a day!?  Simple math tells me that five days a week for eight months gets you $240,000!!!!  Who has enough money to spend over $1,000 PER DAY for someone to organize their closets!?  And who's that stupid?

6. Taryn (-2).  I still don't understand why the producers aren't giving Taryn any airtime.  It's really starting to piss me off.  I don't want to move her any farther down.  

7. Robyn (-3).  I still like Robyn, just not as much as I did before.  It's surprising how much failed gymnastics moves will vault you in my rankings.  She goes one week without falling and I drop her three spots.  If she wants a spot in my top five, she's going to have to start tumbling across the rooms or cartwheeling down the stairs.

8. Jackie ( - ).  Jackie also gets screwed with the amount of airtime she gets.  So that's all I can write about her when I'd like to write much more.  Thanks producers, for screwing my blog up.

9. Lindsay (+5).  I'm high on Lindsay.  Forget my old predictions.  I am making Lindsay the official sleeper of this year's Bachelor.  No more changing dark horses this season.  This is the final decision.  It's Lindsay.

10. Catherine (+1).  "I'm vegan, but I love the beef!"  I felt that for that comment alone Catherine should move up at least one spot.  She hasn't been a relevant factor in this show yet, but I'm confident she will be.

11. Kristy (+8).  Kristy flies up the power rankings after a strong show.  Even the girls were describing her as "really, really hot."  I've begun to like her.  What was her problem again?  Maybe it's because she's a model, and models haven't been the best contestants in recent years (see Robertson, Courtney).

12. Selma (+4).  After hating on Selma in the season premiere, I actually really liked her this episode.  For some reason, she does kind of remind me of a Grandma  She has that kind of face.

The Tierra death glares.

13. Tierra ( - ).  Not much to say about Tierra except she is messed up and really, really mean.  There are at least five moments per show where she'll fix you with a death stare, and if I were one of the other girls, I'd be a little scared.  If I were Robyn, for example, I'd start locking my doors and I'd consider not bad-mouthing Tierra right in front of her. Hopefully Sean becomes aware of the insanity of this particular contestant. When will the Bachelors realize that the girl that none of the other girls like is trouble?  My theory is that when they hear the warnings from the other girls, they begin to like the villain even more.  They're drawn to the forbidden fruit.

14. Leslie (+1).  We all know it's only a matter of time.

The most deceiving profile picture of the season.

15. Daniella (+3).  See above.

16. Amanda (-4).  What is wrong with you!?  How did you go from the girl on the right to this sulking dimwit?  It doesn't make any sense!  Be normal! For the sake of my fantasy team be normal!!!

Goodbye to:

Katie.  That photo shoot date just wasn't for her.  And Sean didn't need much convincing when she told him she wanted to go.  "Well, let me walk you out then."

Brooke.  Purrrrrrr.....   

Diana.  Her single mom status didn't help with Sean, whose heart was recently broken by ..... a single mother.

Predictions

Last Week: 1-2
Season: 1-2

If Amanda hadn't received the final rose, I'd be sitting pretty at 2-1.  Instead, I'm 1-2 for the season (which doesn't include the first episode since I just thought of this).  I'm not sure how many girls will go home this next episode, so I'll be safe and choose four girls (in order) whose incredible journey of infatuation should end next Monday.  Amanda, Daniella, Leslie, and Jackie.  I throw Jackie's name out there very hesitantly because I want to see more of her, but who else to send home?

Until next week!

The Bachelor Season Premiere - Here We Go Again

Was anyone else confused by the monkey's photobomb?

I can't tell you how happy I was last Monday as I got ready to waste two hours of my life.  I'm ecstatic The Bachelor back.  The first episode was both absolutely fantastic and terribly disappointing at the same time.  Fantastic because most all the women were crazy, and disappointing because there's not one that I really, really like.  That being said, I was thoroughly entertained, and I think we have a good season on our hands.

My Predictions

As you know, I made my predictions completely and totally in the dark with respect to this season.  While watching the first episode, hopefully you didn't notice that those predictions were pretty terrible.  Some bad ones:

1. All my potential mothers?  Not mothers.
2. Ashley P. (heretofore referred to as Fifty Shades of Whore) was one of my dark horses.  My last post said: "If you want to bet on an Ashley, bet on this one."  This is why I don't gamble.
3. Besides Kacie, these are the girls I chose to make it to hometown dates: Lindsay, Keriann and Amanda. For those keeping score at home that's a) the drunk in the wedding dress, b) a girl who's already off the show and c) a girl that had seventeen seconds of airtime.  Chances are you don't remember Amanda at all.  I do, because for reasons unbeknownst to me, I picked her as my runner-up.  

What if they were both armless?  Maybe next season.

What Are The Chances?

Don't worry, it only gets better from here.  This was my worst prediction (or my best, depending on how you look at it).  Please read what I wrote about Desiree last week:

"Desiree becomes a major dark horse if she actually doesn't have a left arm.  [Her] picture looks like she's missing it.  If that's the case, chalk her up for a top-five finish."

Please tell me what the chances are of me making that statement only to find out that a different contestant is ACTUALLY MISSING AN ARM!?

Homoerotic Moment of the Show

Since all my predictions are terrible, why don't I make one more?  Sean will give the final rose of the show to none other than ... Arie.  Did anyone else think their one-on-one time together was a little too intimate?  Sean had already spent the first twenty minutes of the show engaged in various activities with his shirt off (more below), so I was fully expecting it to come off at some point during this scene.

"Dude, nice v-neck."  "You too, bro.  Get in here."

Good thing Sean didn't see Arie looking like this, or he might not have been so attracted to him:

Yes, Arie.  In this case, long hair does care.

Classic Bachelor Moment

The great opening montages never change.  If there was ever a Bachelor with whom you should maximize shirtless airtime, Sean is that guy, and the producers definitely took liberties here.  The ladies were blessed with bare-chested vistas of Sean running, pumping the weights, looking pensive after pumping the weights, playing with the kids, and hiking a small rock.  What else do you want your man to do?

Do they do this with the Bachelorette?  Do they put her in a bikini and have her run across the beach and climb geographical obstacles?  No, they don't, and I am just realizing this. Seems a bit unfair.  The ladies haven't always had it this good though.  What did the producers do last year with Ben?  Maybe they kept the cameras rolling on his oily hair.  There's not much else to look at.

Not much of a competition here.

Notable Quotes

"Do we need me to start dancing? ... I have no idea why I'm still single"  -Fifty Shades of Whore, and could it be because of your dancing?   

"That's not what you told me in the fantasy suite.  You bastard!"  -Arie, pretending to be a woman for Sean.  He was surprisingly funny.

"Sean is hot.  He is my dream man.  If I could just dream a man up, it would be him."  -Selma, making sure we understand what she means by "dream man."

"Typical engineers I work with are usually socially awkward, and a little boring ..."  -Robyn, making fun of my dad.  Take it back, Robyn.  Take it back now!

"Isn't this exciting?"  -AshLee, after getting a rose, to an audience of other girls who didn't have a rose.  She received a less than enthusiastic response.

"When it comes down to it, I think we might have the same morals."  -Lindsay, after getting very drunk and trying to rape Sean.  She doesn't sound very sure.

Notable Tweets

From some guy named Eric Ledgin (@iamledgin), and some lady named Dr. Jill Biden (@JillBidenVeep).  

"I love the show 'Damaged Women, Boring Man.'  I guess technically it's called The Bachelor." 

"'I'd give my right arm to get a  rose ...' Things you can't say on The Bachelor."

The Power Rankings

Now it is time to rate the women, from 1 - 19.  Honestly, I'm not sure what the rankings are based off.  It's part personal preference, part how well they did last episode, and part how well I think they'll do in the future.  But mostly my personal preference, because that's most important.  Without further adieu ...

That's ugly.

1. Desiree.  My apologies to Desiree for thinking she was an amputee.  I'm trying to make it up to her by putting her atop my power rankings.  I liked everything about her - I like her job, I liked her penny-throwing/fountain-wishing introduction, I like how she's not an amputee (I'll never call you that again, baby, I promise), and I liked her conversation with Sean. The only thing I'm worried about is her puny-a boyfriend that shows up in a future episode.

2. Kacie.  The only reason she's number two and not number one is that awful dress she was wearing.  Everyone else looked pretty elegant, and she looked like a hooker.  I think that was worse than the entire collection of backless dresses that Ashley was so fond of wearing when she was the Bachelorette.

3. Sarah.  I, like everyone else, really liked Sarah.  She was a nice contrast from some of the other girls, like Lindsay and Fifty Shades of Whore.  She was well-spoken, sincere and very vulnerable.  I really felt for her when I was watching the show.  To be blunt, it would be really hard having only one arm.  Sure it would make day-to-day functions more difficult, but you could sense in the way Sarah talked that it affects her confidence and self-esteem, and that's sad.  I'm not ashamed to jump on the Sarah bandwagon.  I hope she does well.

4. Taryn.  My notes (yes, I take notes) from Taryn's first impression: "Normal."  This season that might be all it takes to crack the top-five.  For some reason I have a good feeling about Taryn.  I think she'll be around for a while.  But I also said that about Keriann.

5. Robyn.  Despite her insult to my father (who teaches engineering), I was quite taken with Robyn.  This is surprising, because I like my women like I like my sour cream: white.  Maybe it was her failed back handspring.  That was amazing.  

Robyn takes a tumble.

6. AshLee.  I don't like how she spells her name, but I'll let it slide because she has the best job of all the single ladies - professional organizer.  I think I have a new dream job.

7. Diana.  Not much to say about Diana other than I'm pretty sure she's the token a) Mormon and b) single parent.  I wouldn't have chosen her to be the parent out of this group in a million years.  She didn't totally screw up, even though her introduction needed major polishing.

8. Jackie.  My "Leftovers" both made my top ten (Lesley at #10)!  How many potential introductions did she go over with her friends until they settled on the give-Sean-a-kiss-with-red-lipstick approach?  And how did they end up deciding that was the best one?  I'd be interested to see what options didn't make it.

9. Katie.  Unfortunately, her picture is better than reality.  And keep the yoga to the yoga studio next time.

10. Lesley.  I've heard a lot of people like her.  Meh.  We've seen the football trick a million times, sister.  When it was over and she gave the ball to Sean, I was really hoping he would punt it as hard as he could, Blake Griffin style.  

11. Catherine.  I've also heard a lot of people say they like her.  Meh.  I'm not impressed when someone uses the word "hunk" to describe someone, if even that person is Sean.  You suck, Catherine.

12. Amanda.  I don't want to talk about my "runner-up".

13. Tierra.  This season's villain!  It's too bad the previews of this season turned me against her immediately.  I thought she was okay before that.  Well, at least up until she started to take offense when the others said her rose technically wasn't the first impression rose.  That was a thrilling argument, wasn't it?

14. Lindsay.  You knew the producers were going to force Sean to keep either Lindsay or Fifty Shades of Whore for entertainment's sake.  Even though she is the producer's pick, I have good feelings about her.  I think she'll rise through the ranks quickly and be around for a while.

15. Leslie.  Not much to say about Leslie other than I was expecting it to say "WNBA Player" and not "Poker Dealer" as her occupation.  She also exclaimed "Holy Toledo!" at one point.  When was the last time someone under the age of 80 used a phrase like that?

16. Selma.  My notes from Selma's introduction: "BOOOO!!!!"

17. Brooke.  I'm pretty sure she purred at Sean when they hugged.  No thank you.

18. Daniella.  She was the one that tried the extended handshake that athletes do.  If you want to know what I wrote about that, see #16.

19. Kristy.  Behind Tierra, Kristy has the most villain potential.  I hope they form an alliance.

New Predictions

Instead of trying to make predictions for the entire season, I'll stick to weekly predictions.  If I'm not mistaken, we'll lose three girls this week, bringing us down to sixteen.  My picks are Daniella, Brooke, and Amanda.

Fantasy Bachelor Draft is being held tomorrow at 3 pm Pacific Time.  Looking forward to defending the title. Until next week!